100 Themes of Chaoji HATE
by RoyxRizaFan
Summary: TOTAL HYPER CRACK! 100 stories mocking Chaoji and how he fails at life. Original Chaoji hate oneshots here! IF YOU'RE A CHAOJI FAN DO NOT READ THIS. Rated T for language *cough* Kanda *cough* and some suggestive/violent themes.
1. Chaoji Immitations of Allen Failure

Chaoji's Imitations – Failure

Chaoji's Imitations – _**Failure**_

One fine day at the Black Order, Chaoji found he wasn't getting enough attention. He racked his pitiful mind for an idea. However, as expected, nothing came up. So he went to watch TV and forgot about it for five minutes. While watching TV, he saw a comedian doing celebrity imitations. A dull light bulb lit above his head, almost burning out. He leapt up as fat as he could, and an hour later he was standing and left the room to go practice some imitations with the people he thinks are his friends that just pity him.

"I'm going to do a great Crowned Clown impersonation that will impress them all!" he sang merely as he skipped down the now shaking halls. He took a Sharpie marker, drew Allen's scar, and began crying at the top of his lungs, "I AM THE CLOWN CROWNED…I MEAN, CROWNED CLOWN!"

"That marker doesn't come off, dumbass," Kanda muttered as he walked by him, refusing to make eye contact (Chaoji is not worthy of his sexy stares).

Miranda, pitying him, decided to be helpful.

"Maybe you should add some more details of the Clown outfit, like the fur and the sword…"

"Actually, change your whole costume, man. Allen does NOT wear a rubber red nose," Lavi commented from behind.

"I wasn't wearing one!"

"Oh, sorry. _I should've known it wouldn't have fit you anyway_," he muttered.

After putting on a raccoon he got from God knows where, and making a cardboard sword, he decided to show Allen himself.

"How…um…_flattering_…" Allen managed to stutter. It was hard to keep a straight face with Lavi laughing over his shoulder.

And he failed.


	2. Kanda tries to kill Chaoji Failure

Kanda's attempt at killing Chaoji – Failure

**Kanda's attempt at killing Chaoji – **_**Failure**_

Chaoji sat at the edge of cliff, having a picnic with squirrels. "Kanda, come join our tea party!" he called to the passing exorcist.

"We're on a fucking mission you idiot!" Kanda shouted over at him.

"Now, now, Yuu-kun. Be _kind _to your brother for your father!" Theodore said as he began to paint a landscape.

"DOES _ANYONE _CARE THAT WE'RE ON A MISSION?" Kanda shouted.

Chaoji grinned. "Yes, bro. What better time to _bond_?"

Kanda had had it with The Fatass. He stormed over to the cliff while Theodore was absorbed in his landscape and pushed Chaoji off the cliff. For the first time in years, he felt the unfamiliar urge to crack a grin. Never before had he felt such relief. He immediately turned back around, hating being so close to the tea party, but stopped in his tracks when he heard a _boing _instead of a sickening _thud_.

Chaoji soared back up, having bounced, his blubber flapping back in the wind as he flew. Kanda jumped backwards as he landed perfectly in the spot he had been before he was pushed off.

"Oh, Brother Kanda, I'm so glad we're so close. Have some tea."

Theodore smiled as he listened to Chaoji's happy ramblings.

For once in his life, Kanda had _failed. _


	3. Lavi tries to kill Chaoji Failure

Lavi's attempt at killing Chaoji – Failure

**Lavi's attempt at killing Chaoji – **_**Failure**_

Chaoji sat waiting for Lavi on the roof of his car (obviously denting it to the point that no one could get inside ever again).

Lavi cringed. He had been trying to avoid him all day.

Chaoji smiled, blinking innocently, "So, buddy, are we hanging at your place today? I've got great plans! I'm going to be Ash Ketchum! Get it? 'Cause we're _chums_?"

Lavi wrinkled his nose, wondering what God had been smoking when he had made Chaoji an exorcist. He quickly searched for a way to escape this horrid situation.

The trunk caught his eye. The car was useless now, anyway. Might as well toss The Fatass in.

"Come over here and look at this, Chaoji," he called, hovering over the open trunk. "Look deep inside."

Chaoji stuck his head in, his ass waving in the air. "What? What? I can't see! I can't see! Why can't I see? Where? Where? WHERE?"

Lavi held his breath and pushed him into the trunk, slamming the lid down on him…but it wouldn't shut all the way! Chaoji's fat overflowed from the trunk, preventing it from closing.

"Good one, Lavi. I'm happy I have such a funny friend like you." He smirked, climbing out of the trunk. "Let's be rebels today and drink _carbonated beverages _together!"

Lavi shook his head, too dumbfounded to laugh at his _failure_.


	4. Kanda tries to kill Chaoji 2 Failure

Kanda's Attempt at Killing Chaoji #2 – Failure

**Kanda's Attempt at Killing Chaoji #2 – **_**Failure**_

Chaoji wobbled after Kanda, waving his arms in the air. "Wait up, Brother Kanda! I want to show you something! I got this _huge _zit and I'm not sure its normal!"

"What _about _you is normal?" Kanda hissed. He was still sore after his last failure.

"Come on, take a look!" Chaoji begged, beginning to pull down his pants. "It's on my lower back!"

Kanda quickly turned away. "Are you fucking out of your mind?"

"Maybe, but I thought it looked big to me," Chaoji laughed, slapping where the zit was until his ass fat jiggled.

Kanda heard the noise and shuddered. "It isn't the-" cringe "-_pimple_ that's big here…"

Chaoji shrugged. "Maybe I should start showering more than once a month."

Kanda couldn't take it anymore. Shutting his eyes tightly, he spun around and stabbed Chaoji in the gut.

He felt the sword sink deeper…and deeper…and _deeper_…and yet, DEEPER…it was going nowhere. Mugen was not long enough to extend through Chaoji's layers of fat. He was The Fatass, after all.

_Another failure…due to FAT? _Kanda thought, shocked.

"So, how do you pick big suckers like these ole pimples?" Chaoji continued, not feeling the sword at all.

Kanda just ran as fast as he could in another direction…

_Failure. _


	5. Chaoji tries to turn on Lenalee Failure

Chaoji tries to turn-on Lenalee – Failure

**Chaoji tries to turn-on Lenalee – **_**Failure**_

Chaoji was lonely. All his friends seemed to have an errand to do whenever he came wobbling along. He needed a girlfriend. And who better than the lovely Lenalee Lee?

He started prancing down the halls, when halfway through he realized he had no idea how to talk to a girl. He decided to watch some old western sitcoms for reference. Once he was done, he hurried off to find Lenalee.

She was in the science department, handing out coffee. Chaoji spotted her and waved his chubby hands in the air (the fact that he can raise his hand at all defies all laws of gravity). She saw him and smiled, though it was a pained grin. He dashed over to her.

"Howdy, ma'am. Can I interest you in some home cookin'? Mine granny makes a mean apple pie!"

The room fell dead silent as everyone stared in disbelief. Johnny reached for his phone stealthily, muttering, "Everyone _has _to see this!"

"Um…I'm full," she responded tactfully. "I ate with the others earlier."

"RIVALS!" he cried randomly. "Let me get out me handgun, missy, and I'll shoot 'em right down in town square!"

A few laughs burst out from their audience.

Lenalee blushed, embarrassed at the attention. "Actually, there's no need for that, Chaoji…"

Chaoji tried to pimp it out, lighting a match and lifting a ciggy to his mouth, coughing hysterically. His words became muffled after that.

"Come on, little missy," he managed to say, "Let's go horseback ridin'!"

"Have you been watching western shows lately?" she asked, trying to humor him.

The door to the bathroom swung open as the flush of the toilet echoed throughout the room. No one dared to turn, but they knew who the long shadow covering Chaoji belonged to.

_Failure_.


	6. Chaoji tries to squish a bug Failure

Chaoji tries to squish a bug – Failure

**Chaoji tries to squish a bug – Failure**

One peaceful summer day in the Black Order, Chaoji was reclining in a hammock in the forest conveniently located near Kanda's training area. He was sprawled quite lazily over the tiny hammock, slowly singing himself to sleep with a song from a children's show he watched all the time. He was about to drift into the land of sleep where all young children go during naptime, when he somehow felt a small movement on top of his blubbery skin.

He looked down and saw a little spider struggle to crawl along his stomach.

"GUUAAAAAAAGHAAAAAAUGAHHHHHHH!!" he screamed, sounding somehow like a mix between an elephant and a monkey. He began to writhe and scream in terror, ultimately breaking the small hammock he was in. Chaoji noticed that the spider was still alive and crawling. He looked around for help and saw Kanda passing by, trying to completely ignore him.

"Brother Kanda, please help meeee!!" he wailed.

"Why the hell should I?"

"I need you to squish this spider for me!!"

"Are you FUCKING SERIOUS??" Kanda shouted in exasperation.

"Will you do it?"

"NO FRIGGIN WAY, IDIOT."

Lavi suddenly popped up out of seemingly nowhere. "Did you know that the average person eats about eight spiders in his lifetime when he is sleeping?"

"WHAAAAAT?! Did it get into my mouth?"

"_It's still there, you idiot."_ Kanda muttered.

"I don't know, Chaoji!! You should probably get yourself checked!!" Lavi said in a falsely worried tone. Chaoji immediately ran off, screeching about how he didn't want to die.

And for the first time in his life, Kanda was grateful to Lavi.

_Failure._


	7. What the Others think of Chaoji

What do the others think of Chaoji (failure)

**What do the others think of Chaoji (failure)?**

**Kanda** – "He is the definition of _failure_" (we will be basing our series on this line).

**Lavi** – "He's so easy to tease, I don't know if it's fun at all!"

**Cross** – "That fatass? Worst man ever!"

**Krory white mode** – "I guess he's OK…"

**Krory black mode** – "That FATASS needs a diet worse than the Earl does!"

**Allen **– "Besides calling me a devil, which I can understand, I think he is a great friend who should get credit from trying so hard."

**Lenalee** – "He is a determined exorcist like the rest of us!"

**Komui** – "I don't know much about him yet…" (Readers, note the YET in this sentence).

**Renee **– "His man boobs pwn mine!" (People, I know you don't know who this is, but I assure you she is not an OC).

**Miranda** – "He's so much more talented than I…they all are!"

**Road** – "Did you know his name is spelled L-A-M-E?"

**Tyki** – "Is that is the kid who was in the dice thing chuckles."

**Earl** – "He's another annoying exorcist I need to kill…cough_I thought I was the fat one_cough." (So did we, Earl…if only it stayed that way…)


	8. Chaoji tries to eat 1 Lay's chip Failure

Chaoji tries to eat just one Lay's chip – Failure

**Chaoji tries to eat just one Lay's chip – **_**Failure**_

One day, Chaoji pulled out a party sized _Lay's _chip bag for an after-snack-snack, he noticed the logo on the side of it read 'Betcha can't eat just one!' He stared at the motto, wondering if it was referring to a single bag or a single chip. He bounded out into the halls, leaving indents where he was walking in the floor. He spotted Kanda arguing with Lavi, Lenalee, and Miranda. He stumbled over to them, trying not to trip over his fat.

"Fellow exorcist friends!" he called. They cringed at the sound of his echoing footsteps.

"Sorry, couldn't hear you over the jiggling of your fat," Lavi muttered.

He waved the chip bag in their faces, causing them to back up. "What does this motto mean? One bag, or one chip?"

"One grocery, in your case," Lavi joked.

Chaoji smiled, happy to have such supportive friends, not entirely understanding the situation.

"One _chip_, you IDIOT!" Kanda screamed, aggravation in his tone.

"Let's have a contest!" Chaoji suggested, wrapping his enormous arms around Lavi and Kanda. "It will be another great way for us to bond! We'll see who can eat just one!"

"Who can't?" Kanda asked, pulling away from him. "It's not that hard." He frowned, storming off down the hall. "I'm not playing this stupid game!"

Chaoji turned his sparkling eyes to the remaining three. "Will _you _play with me, my dearest, closest, most exalted friends?"

"Huh?"

He tore open the bag perfectly. He had become quite talented at not ripping it because he ate three party bags a day. He held it out to the three exorcists, grinning. "Try it! Try it!"

Reluctantly, they each reached into the bag. Miranda popped the chip in her mouth, seeming for the first time confident that she would not lose. Lenalee hesitantly lifted it to her mouth, seeming to not understand the point of the game. Lavi stared at the chip as if it was poisonous before dropping it into his mouth. Chaoji struggled to lift one out, for he was so used to grabbing handfuls. After five minutes, he lifted one and tossed it into his over sized trap.

It was gone in a flash. He stared at the full bag, his eyes quivering on it. His hands began shaking as he looked into the bag, the little chips calling his name, for they knew him and they knew him well. He felt his head spinning as the withdrawal symptoms quickly kicked in. He began hyperventilating, not understanding why he would eat just one chip when there were so many others in the bag.

He lifted the bag, raising it to his lips as if it were a beverage, and practically drank up all the chips inside of it. He lowered the bag once it was done to see the horrified expressions of Lavi, Lenalee, and Miranda.

_Failure_.


	9. Chaoji tries to look at his feet Failure

Chaoji tries to look at his feet – Failure

**Chaoji tries to look at his feet – **_**Failure**_

One day, Chaoji decided to look at his feet to make sure he hadn't caught a rare fungi disease that his 'friends' had told him was going around. Apparently, he could catch it from them, because they all had it. To keep healthy, they all suggested he stayed at about a two hundred foot distance from them.

He looked down and could only see his GREEN shirt.

_Failure. _


	10. Chaoji tries 2screw in lightbulb Failure

Chaoji tries to screw in a light bulb – Failure

**Chaoji tries to screw in a light bulb – **_**Failure**_

During one of his staring contests with his lamp, Chaoji noticed that it wasn't glowing as radiantly as usual. It took him a few minutes, but he finally figured out why. His light was missing a light bulb! (Now what happened to it, we don't want to go into).

Too lazy to get up, he screamed as loud as he could for help, sitting with his head thrown back. After a while, he became hungry and had no choice but to move to his secret stash of cookies. Inside the cabinet were also light bulbs!

"How convenient," he thought aloud. Chaoji liked 'convenience' – it was his biggest word, and it usually meant he didn't have to move.

He ripped the box of light bulbs open with his teeth, getting only a little carried away, swallowing not the entire box, but just pieces. This is part of his diet.

He dumped the light bulbs onto the floor, breaking two of them. He picked up a whole one and staggered over to his lamp. Reaching it, he began to slam the bulb into the lamp with all the strength he could possible muster. Unfortunately, as you probably remember (though The Fatass doesn't this time around) he has the Innocence of strength. The bulb shattered into a million pieces, one of which flew upward and stabbed him in the eye.

"AUUUGHHHHHHHMUFFINSAUGH!" he screamed randomly.

A few hours later, when someone actually passed his lair, also known as The Grande Fridge, a knock came on his door.

"Did I hear screaming?" Lenalee called from behind the door.

"AUUUGHHHHHHHDONUTSWITHOUTANAUAUGH!!" he hollered.

Lenalee and Allen opened the door, rushing over to him. "Chaoji, blood is gushing out of your eye like water streams out of a stream!"

At the sound of the words 'Chaoji, blood is gushing out of your eye', a thousand camera flashes went off outside of his room as Lavi took pictures of this long awaited event to sell to all the finders, scientists, and exorcists. He might be able to make Kanda buy some, even.

_Failure. _

Authors' notes: _We realize light bulbs weren't invented at this time. _

_ Unfortunately, no Chaojis were hurt in the making of this. _

_ Happy Tenth Episode! We're 10 there! _


	11. Chaoji gets a wedgie Failure

Chaoji and potty training – Failure

**Chaoji and potty training – **_**Failure**_

Chaoji fumbled over to his hammock, which had been replaced since the bug incident. He laid on his hammock, listening to the stretching of its threads under his weight, watching Kanda admirably.

"Kanda-Nissan is SO cool!" he screamed as Kanda tried to train. Somehow the sword thrown at him bounced off his blubbery stomach. "Nissan is so funny! He likes to tease his fellow Tiedolians!"

Kanda stormed over to him, another sword in hand. "Today will be your last, Fatass!"

The hammock finally gave out from beneath him, causing Kanda to miss with his next strike. Chaoji rolled down the hill to escape. He stopped at a tree and stood up, catching his breath.

"What a work out!" he cried, though he hadn't used a single muscle in his body to roll down the hill. "I deserve a snack!"

On his way to the Black Order cafeteria, he met with Lavi, who was walking with Allen. Lavi smirked, noticing easy prey for a prank. He whispered to Allen, "Watch this," and strode over to Chaoji. Allen frowned, having mixed feelings about Lavi's pranks.

Lavi snuck up behind Chaoji (which is very easy to do) and reached out to give him a wedgie. Instead of a pair of underwear, he was wearing a DIAPER! Lavi fell backwards in shock.

A few hours later, Lavi was brought to the infirmary in fear he had a problem with ceasing his laughter.

"So," Allen began conversationally, "Did you never get potty trained?"

Chaoji grinned proudly. "No, but I prefer diapers anyway. They're SOFT."  
"I'm shocked they had your size!" Lavi cried as an angry head nurse dragged him off to the infirmary.

_Failure. _


	12. Chaoji tries to be gangster Failure

Chaoji tries to be gangster – Failure

**Chaoji tries to be gangster – **_**Failure**_

Chaoji woke up and decided he was going to be a gangster.

Gangsters had all the moolah. They had all the attention. They had all the friends. They had all the girls. If they could do it, why couldn't Chaoji (or so he thought – we all know the answer to that question already).

He dressed up in an oversized T-Shirt (it took him a LONG TIME to find a shirt that was oversized on _him_) and baggy cargo pants, complete with chains. He tried to pierce his ear, but there was too much fat. He settled for clip-ons in the end.

When he had finally got his whole 'get up' ready, he headed off through the halls to show it off to the people he thought were his friends. Lavi was the first person he saw.

"Yo home dawg! My bacon slice!" he called to him. Lavi looked around, not knowing if he was the one being addressed or not. "Let's burizzle down the house and rizizzle up the roof, yo yo yo!"

"Sorry, no time!" Lavi cried, not knowing quite what he was saying. He turned around the corner and sped down the halls as fast as he could.

Lenalee was the next target he ran into.

" 'Sup shawty? How it hanging in the back streets?" he called.

She blinked, looking from his backwards cap to his untied shoelaces. "Um…"

Komui popped out of seemingly nowhere, his glasses glowing evilly. "I don't know it means, but Lenalee is definitely not your 'shawty'!"

Chaoji crossed his arms, irritated. "Just trying to pimp it out, yo."

_Failure. _


	13. Chaoji tries to fish Failure

Chaoji tries to go fishing with 'the guys' – Failure

**Chaoji tries to go fishing with 'the guys' – **_**Failure**_

One day, as Chaoji indulged himself in fattening pastries after his ten-second workout (AKA finding the remote) he decided he needed to have more communication with his fellow exorcists. He flicked off the TV, struggled to stand, and gulped the last four doughnuts down with a sip of triple-choco milkshake.

He spotted Allen, Lavi, and Kanda arguing about nothing – as usual – in the hall. Lavi nudged them and they attempted to dart around a corner as Chaoji approached, but SOMEHOW UNKNOWN Chaoji was – DUH DUH DUH! – _too fast for them!! _(That remote workout had paid off)

"Hey, brother Kanda, best friend Lavi, and beloved Allen who I actually think is the devil's spawn!" he greeted them. "Ready for some male bonding?"

Lavi put his hands in front of himself, stepping back. "Sorry, man. I just don't go that way."

Chaoji shook his head. "All I want to do is chill with you all on a warm beach-" Lavi took another step back "-fishing." They all let out a sigh of relief, though it didn't last long.

--

For reasons unknown, Chaoji was able to force them along. Maybe they just couldn't escape away from his flabby arms. Whatever the cause, they were fishing with Chaoji.

"We should bond like this more often, my dear chaps," Chaoji commented as they sat waiting for the fish to start biting.

"So, Chaoji," Allen began conversationally, "do you always carry bait in your pocket like that?"

"I was gonna eat it myself, but this great bondage is…" he struggled to spit out the last words, "_important _than…my snacks." By the end of the statement, he was in tears and literally choking on his words.

Allen gasped. "Does anyone know CPR?"

Kanda frowned. "Let The Fatass die."

Lavi laughed. "We all knew he'd choke on his fat someday."

Chaoji finally began breathing again after shoving the remaining bait in his mouth. "I shouldn't underestimate my stomach."

"I don't think anyone could," Lavi muttered.

Allen's line began to pull.

"Look – Moyashi's actually caught something."

The scent of FOOD filled Chaoji's enormous nostrils. He crouched by the pond just as Allen reeled the fish out, preparing to spring. He couldn't resist the temptation of an after doughnut-after milkshake-after bait-after snack…his favorite kind!

Hew sprung through the air – somehow – landing on the string, pulling Allen into the water, dragging the other two with him.

Failure.


	14. Chaoji tries to kill Road Failure

Chaoji tries to kill Road - Failure

**Chaoji tries to kill Road – **_**Failure**_

One morning Chaoji was running through town and saw Road Camelot sitting on a diving board at a pool. Her feet were in the water, kicking back and forth. Chaoji balled his fists, recognizing her as a Noah.

"I have to kill her and save the world!" he cried lamely. "For Anita-sama and everyone!"

He attempted to run over to her and tripped four times before reaching the pool. He held up a pool noodle threateningly, shaking it at her. "I will avenge thee!" he cried, looking to the skies where he assumed Anita had gone. He then rushed (in Chaoji terms) to a bucket of pool supplies. Road watched him, entertained. He rummaged through the supplies, putting on a pair of flippers, goggles, and a large inflatable duck around his oversized waist, stretching it to its limit.

He waddled into the pool, stumbling to walk through the shallow end, dreading the deep parts to come, dodging dead insects as he went, muffling a scream with the head of his duck. He continued to go forward, feeling the water rising around him as he went deeper and deeper.

"Wow," Road laughed. "The biggest question is going to be answered now: does Chaoji Han sink from his weight, or float from his balloon shaped body?"

"I don't know what that mean," Chaoji retorted angrily, "but it doesn't sound friendly! You are a very, very mean person, and therefore I must obliterate you!"

"Who knew he could pronounce a word like that?" Road thought aloud, more astonished than impressed.

Chaoji's battle against the 'fierce' waters of the still pool continued. He thrashed around, trying to push himself forward through the water, but his arms could not reach around his waist so he could not use them to push forward. He had to rely on his legs. The sun was setting by the time he figured this out.

"ANITA! MAHOJA!" he cried randomly, not really knowing why. It was just something he did whenever he felt like he wasn't getting enough screen time. Road watched patiently as he attempted to kick himself over to her.

"I'm hungry!" he cried out, beginning to chew on the duck's head. Road cringed, but did not leave.

At last, Chaoji reached her, panting for breath and trying with all his might (yeah, I know – he wasn't trying at all, was he?) to climb out of the pool. Road placed her feet on his shoulders, pushing him so roughly back into the pool that he slid backwards until he was right in the middle of the deep end.

"Next time, walk around the pool," she advised him before slipping into her door.

"B-but…I had to avenge Anita…"

"Bye now, Fat Ass. Next time I'll remember to bring some candles, if you know what I'm talking about."

Chaoji floated weakly in the water, not knowing what to do. "Anita…?"

_Failure_.


	15. Chaoji tries to put on a BandAid Failure

Chaoji tries to put on a Band-Aid– Failure

**Chaoji tries to put on a Band-Aid– **_**Failure**_

Even after eating his sixth box of chocolate chunk mega cookies, Chaoji was starved. His lunch had been so small; he really needed to make up for it.

"What had Jerry been thinking?" Chaoji asked himself. Since no one else seemed to ever be listening, he had taken to talking to himself. "Three grilled cheese sandwiches, two bags of chips, and milk? What kind of after lunch snack is that? I had to eat off of Lenalee's plate!" As Chaoji reached for a bag of chips, he thought of Lenalee, and how she hadn't objected to him eating half of her sandwich. The last time he had stolen food from someone – Kanda – he had found himself flying out of a window and landing outside in front of the Order just seconds after taking it. He hadn't really minded because he had his food to keep him company. The only problem was that he had to actually _walk _back inside to continue stealing food off of his plate. By the time Chaoji had gotten back inside, he had been so exhausted and hungry that he had decided to just get another meal instead of bothering to swipe scraps off of Kanda's plate.

Chaoji pulled at his chip bag, trying to open it. For some reason, it wouldn't budge. Not even for _him_, the professional-junk-food-container-opener! Startled, he reached into one of his cupboards and took out a knife, trying to poke a hole into the bag.

His thoughts drifted back to Lenalee again. He remembered how she had shared her lunch without a complaint. Maybe the fact that she hadn't been looking at her plate had something to do with it, and that Chaoji had left before she had noticed some of her lunch was missing. Either way, she was much nicer than everyone else.

Lost in daydreams of Lenalee skipping through a field of edible candy flowers, Chaoji accidentally stabbed himself with the knife, cutting his finger. He curled over on the ground, rolling and screaming in pain. "HELP!"

Lenalee came rushing through his door. "I heard a scream! Are you all right?"

Chaoji winked at her. "Now that you're here."

Lenalee cringed at what he had said before eyeing his cut. "Here, put on this Band-Aid," she advised him, reaching into her pocket and tossing a small object at him. "I…um…have to get going…" She slowly edged of the door, getting away from him as quickly as she could without hurting his feelings.

Chaoji looked at the Band-Aid, his mind completely blank. What _was _a Band-Aid? He had never gotten a cut before now. His blubber was like a barrier around him. He ripped open the package around it and began to push it onto his cut without taking off the paper on the sticky ends.

"Why won't it stay?" he wondered as it slipped off. He pressed it harder and harder, but it would not stay put. "Do the others' use magic to keep it still?"

_Failure_.


	16. Chaoji runs a relay race Failure

Author's notes: Starting with chapter sixteen, there will be a series of chapters (four) that take place during a sports festi

Author's notes: Starting with chapter sixteen, there will be a series of chapters (four) that take place during a sports festival between the exorcists we know and love and the Asian Branch. Chaoji, unfortunately, will be participating.

_Also I would like to mention that I, RoyxRizaFan and Chiaki Saruwatari, my co-writer, are the ones who originally started doing the Chaoji hate one shots. I've seen some others ones popping up on this site, which sort of set me off guard since we came up with the idea originally. I hope you all keep reading these even though some other people are copying the idea. Thanks again! Now on with the story…_

**Chaoji tries to run in a relay race – **_**Failure**_

For no apparent reason, there was a sports festival at the Black Order. When Chaoji found out, he was extremely excited.

"I'm so flabbergasted!" he cried excitedly as he looked at the sign up sheet for the different activities. "This is a great way to bond with Kanda-Nissan and my friends!" He pulled a crayon out of his pocket and sloppily printed his name across the pages.

Lavi stopped dead in his tracks as he saw Chaoji doing this. He raised an eyebrow, stepping forward cautiously. He knew better than to charge at Chaoji. People who snuck up on him when he was hungry often ended up in the infirmary for reasons too gory to discuss.

"Chaoji?" he asked slowly, his tongue burning from speaking the atrocious exorcist's name. "What are you _doing_?"

"I'm writing!" he answered, dotting the 'i' in his name with a heart.

Lavi's eyes were wide in terror. "You're not _signing up_, are you?"

Chaoji turned around, beaming. "What better way for us to become closer, Lavi? You're my best friend, and I hardly get to hang out with you. You always have something else to do, or you're sick! This is the perfect opportunity to bond!" He pointed to the sign up sheet. "See? I signed up for everything you did! We'll be working together the _whole day_!"

Lavi grabbed his stomach and his face began to turn green. "Oh, man. I'm going to be sick…"

Chaoji leapt forward, grabbing Lavi's wrist and dragging him down the hall. "Let's go to the infirmary, then!" Lavi struggled to escape, but Chaoji's hands were far too large.

As Chaoji dragged him along, he caught a whiff of something in the air. "We should take a stop at the cafeteria on the way," he decided, dragging an even sicker Lavi behind him.

--

At last, the day of the sports festival was there! Chaoji stuffed his face with different candies as he sat waiting for the games to start.

Miranda stood above him, watching him uncertainly. "I might be wrong…actually, I probably am, but…won't eating before a relay race make you sick?"

Chaoji shook his head. "No! Eating gives you the energy you need! _Duh!_"

"Really?" Miranda asked, still uncertain.

He held out the bag to her. "Try it! I'm sure you'll do great in the race if you eat some of this!"

"NO!" Lavi cried from the other side of the room. "Don't take candy from scary men!"

Chaoji's eyes became dark. "TRY IT."

Miranda shook her head, backing away. "I've lost my appetite…"

Komui blew a whistle and they all lined up in their places. Chaoji's place was closest to the finish line. He shut his eyes, imagining himself being the one to run through the finish. _Of course I'll be, _he thought to himself,_ I'll win for us, using candy power! _He reached into his pocket and emptied another party bag of M&Ms into his mouth with one gulp. He frowned at the bag, wondering why he had only brought one when he knew they were so small.

The whistle blew again, and the race began. Chaoji watched the runners coming closer and closer towards him. Soon it would be his turn!

Lavi reluctantly passed over the baton to him. "Run, Chaoji! Pretend the Easter Bunny's waiting for you at the finish line with a basket of chocolate!"

Chaoji was more motivated than ever. He ran faster than it seemed possible for his large body to move (he'd do _anything _for food, people). He was so close to the finish line, when…

A large bee began buzzing around his head. Chaoji stopped dead in his tracks, trying to swat it away. His teammates watched, dumbfounded.

"Chaoji, MOVE!" Lavi cried, losing his last ounce of patience. "The Easter Bunny can't wait all day!"

"Move it, Fat Ass!" Kanda barked, twitching with anger.

Bak cried out to him from the podium. "Take your time!"

Kanda shot him a death glare and he fell silent again.

Chaoji thought of the Easter Bunny, waiting so patiently with his chocolate, and began running again. The bee was determined, though, and followed, still buzzing at his ears. Chaoji tried to run faster, but it was impossible. He glanced at the bee's stinger and let out a high-pitched scream that only dogs could hear. He began running, but not towards the finish line. He was running in the opposite direction, trying to escape the bee!

"Chaoji, go back!" Allen cried, waving his arms in the air frantically. "Go back!"

"What now?" Kanda hissed under his breath. "If the bee doesn't kill him, _I _will."

Chaoji ran faster than his stubby legs could move. He tripped, rolling down a nearby hill and vanishing into the sunset.

Everyone had stopped what they were doing and had been watching him. Now it was dead silent as everyone stared at where the fat man had just disappeared.

Lavi was the first to break the silence. "He's not going to come back, right?"

But he did.

_Failure. _


	17. Chaoji tries to play Basketball Failure

Author's Notes: Sorry it took so long for this new chapter to come out

_Author's Notes: Sorry it took so long for this new chapter to come out! With school starting and all those fall head colds going around, I had no time at all to write. Well, anyway, please enjoy! _

**Chaoji tries to Play Basketball – **_**Failure**_

Chaoji finally arrived back to his team after shuffling along across the field for nearly a half an hour. None of his teammates complained, though. They had won nearly every competition that he had been absent for.

"What game is next, my dearest chums?" he asked as he reached them, patting Kanda and Allen so roughly on their backs that they nearly fell over.

"Basketball," Krory answered, staring as Allen and Kanda struggled to stand up straight again. "You must be tired from your, um…_exhausting _walk back over to us, so-"

"So if you don't want to participate this time around," Lavi continued hopefully, "don't worry one bit about it! We only need five players, so-" He spun around, counting off four teammates "-we have enough people to-"

"NO!" Chaoji cried, his face so filled with sudden rage that everyone began having vivid flashbacks to the zombie times. "I _will _participate! I'm all warmed up, now, too, after that extreme workout!" He pointed to the small section of the field he had taken thirty minutes to cross, which any other exorcist could have walked it in less than four. "After _that_, I can do _anything_!"

"Yeah, anything _but _diet," Kanda sneered under his breath.

"Or brush his hair," Lavi muttered back, ignoring the disapproving looks Allen was sending them.

"Or _die _when he's _supposed _to," Kanda added hatefully. Lavi and Kanda, who had both had failed experiences trying to do just that, shared a sympathetic glance, which Chaoji, unable to hear, mistook for a smile.

"Look, my friends are smiling at the idea of me working with them!" he thought aloud. "I feel like I'm part of the group now!" He put his arms around them again, giving them a small hug. "Oh, how I _love _friendship and harmony among comrades!"

Kanda's arm twitched, but Mugen was not in its usual spot. Lavi looked like he was going to be sick again, and slumped over, grabbing his stomach.

The whistle rang out and Chaoji ran out into the basketball court, standing in the middle and waving to his teammates, who were reluctantly following him.

"Here," Bak called, tossing the basketball to Chaoji, the only player on the court. Chaoji simply watched, not knowing what Bak wanted him to do, as the ball came flying towards him and bounced off his nose.

"That has _got _to hurt," Allen muttered, cringing. "Chaoji, are you all right?"

Chaoji nodded, beaming. "Aren't I a great player, Allen? I can never get injured! You know, I'd go as far as to say I'm _bulletproof_!"

"Want to _test _that theory?" Kanda hissed, once again ignoring Allen's annoyed glance.

"Here, Chaoji, stand over there," Allen said, directing Chaoji as far away from the hoop as possible. "This is probably your first time playing, so just watch for a bit, all right?"

Chaoji nodded briskly, though his face was reverting to zombie mode again. How dare _Allen_ – the most sinful sinner of all sinners – tell _Chaoji _that he didn't know what he was doing? Chaoji clenched his fists, ready to _rule the court_. (yeah, you should be scared about now).

Lenalee came down the court, dribbling the ball. Chaoji jumped on the soles of his feet, shaking the ground so much that many players began falling to the floor. "LENALEE! GIVE IT TO ME! ME! _ME_!"

Lenalee shot him an apologetic glance and passed the ball over to Kanda, who easily tossed it through the basket. Chaoji watched as everyone began running to the other side of the court. Why were they moving so fast? He stumbled along, trying to catch up with them.

By the time he reached the other basket, they were heading to the other side of the court again.

"Come on, Chaoji!" Lenalee called, a pitiful look on her face. "Keep up!"

"GO ON WITHOUT ME!" he cried melodramatically, collapsing onto the ground, trying to catch his breath. Everyone seemed more than willing to follow his request.

Chaoji didn't move again until they were back to the second side of the court again. He rolled over onto his stomach and was magically able to lift himself up. Then one of his opponents made the mistake of passing the ball past him to another player. Chaoji was too big for the ball to pass, and he caught it.

Chaoji stood with the ball, happy to have finally caught it. Now he would show the Satan Worshipper (Allen) who was boss!

He turned around and walked over to the opponents' basket before shooting, ignoring Lavi crying, "That's _traveling_!" and Kanda screaming, "You dumb Fat Ass! That's not our _basket_!" Luckily, the ball bounced off the backboard. Unluckily, it flew straight back into Chaoji's hands.

One of his opponents became a little impatient as he went to shoot it again. "Come on, give it to me!" he cried impatiently, reaching forward to pry it away from Chaoji.

"THIEF!" Chaoji cried hysterically, turning to scurry to the other side of the court. Everyone rolled their eyes, throwing their hands up in exasperation.

Lenalee caught up with him in no time, stepping in front of him since it was impossible to pull him backward. "Chaoji, please, take a break. You've been working far too hard." She held out her hands expectantly for the ball.

Chaoji was staring straight at the picture of an apple on the sweatshirt she was wearing. He began to envision an apple pie, and what it would be like to sit down at a small table with Lenalee, each of them with an apple pie and a large mound of ice cream to go with it. What a nice appetizer for their snack that would be!

The whistle blew again, and Komui was standing up, pointing at Chaoji. "Is that man checking out my Lenalee?"

Bak leaned over, pulling at Komui's sleeve to sit him down again. "She has an image of food on her shirt," he explained. Komui nodded, sitting down. "On with the game!"

Lenalee quickly snatched the ball away from Chaoji, tossing it back to one of her opponents. "Go on defensive, Chaoji. I'm sure you'd do great blocking someone."

"Really?" he asked excitedly, not catching the bitterness in her tone. He quickly picked an opponent and stood in front of them (unintentionally blocking three more of the players with him).

Chaoji was finally helping out a bit (OMG WHAT?) by going on defensive. Even when he wasn't intending to, his extremely large body blocked at least two other players. The problem was when he remembered it had been an hour since his last chocolate fix and his withdrawal symptoms started kicking in.

Chaoji fell over, sprawled on the floor, causing all his teammates to trip over him as they ran. He clutched his throat as if he were choking and rolled around, kicking his legs in the air. In shock, Lavi dropped the basketball, which bounced off of Chaoji's blubber and fell straight into their hoop.

_Failure_.


	18. Chaoji runs a fourlegged race Failure

Chaoji tries to run a four-legged race – Failure

**Chaoji tries to run a four-legged race – **_**Failure**_

Chaoji finished off his 5 pound Hershey bar with a long sip of his usual triple choco milkshake, tossing the empty wrappers into a nearby trash can as he watched his teammates dashing around the field, kicking around a soccer ball, which Chaoji recognized for its Oreo resembling colors.

At last, the game ended. The Asian Branch had lost _again_.

Chaoji got to his feet, his muscles (or lack of) making a faint creaking noise as he moved for the first time in nearly an hour (which he had spent shoving chocolate down his throat). He stumbled over to his teammates, smiling.

"Great job, fellow exorcists!" he greeted them. "You've done brilliantly, and I'm sure all my encouragement really helped edge you on, huh? A strong morale is _everything_!"

Allen's eyebrows narrowed. "I can understand the _cheering_, Chaoji, but what I didn't understand was when you started pelting M&Ms at us."

"What were you trying to do?" Kanda cried irritably, his patience almost

completely gone. "_Kill _us? Or are you a spy from the other team? Did they promise you a lifetime supply of cookie dough ice cream if you distracted us while we played?"

Chaoji laughed, shaking his head. "Silly, borderline-pathetically-stupid- Kanda-Nissan! Oh _course _not! It was a good luck charm!"

"What did you call me, Fa-"

"ANYHOW!" Allen cried, drowning out Kanda's voice. "After our break, next is the four-legged race! Which three of us are going to participate?"

Chaoji waved his hand in the air. "ME! PICK _ME_! I haven't participated in _ages_!"

"That's because we wanted you to _rest_," Miranda explained in a soothing tone. "You really do push yourself too far."

Chaoji shook his head. "I've rested enough. Lavi, Kanda, and I will do the four-legged race right after we share a friendship snack!"

"Don't count on having a snack," Noise Marie said, walking up behind them. "There's practically nothing left in the vending machine. All that's left are Starburst."

Everyone turned to glare at Chaoji, who shrugged. "I was hungry. Resting is exhausting. It involves heavy breathing. Besides, if I were to sit for so long, I had to keep myself moving. Walking back and forth to the vending machine kept my blood pumping."

"Don't know how much longer that'll work," Lavi muttered under his breath.

"Do you guys want me to go get the Starbursts?" Lenalee offered.

Chaoji shook his head violently. "Those things aren't _candy_! They taste like fruit! Vile, sugarless, wicked _fruit_!" He spat on the ground.

"I thought he wanted apple pie just a little while ago?" Lenalee wondered aloud. She glanced down at her shirt, and her breathing picked up. "If he wasn't looking at the _apple_, then-"

"Apple pie's fine," he said just as Lenalee spiraled into a panic attack. "It has tons of sugar, so you can barely taste the apples."

She let out a sigh of relief just as the whistle sounded again.

"No food for us," Allen groaned.

Chaoji was beaming. "Let's go, my teammates!"

Kanda shook his head. "There's no fucking way I'm going with you."

Chaoji grabbed Lenalee's wrist and swung his free arm around Lavi's shoulder. "Let's get going!"

Lavi leaned and whispered in Lenalee's ear. "Should we put him in the middle, or on the sides?"

"The sides," she said quickly, "that way he'll only bring one of us down when he falls." She said it knowing that his fall was inevitable.

Lavi stood in the middle, and he began feeling that all-too-familiar feeling of nausea as he was forced to tie his ankle to Chaoji's. What could be worse than being _tied _to _Chaoji_? Oh, that's right. _Running tied to Chaoji_.

The whistle blew again and they slowly began moving. Chaoji was already breaking into a run, though, and fell over before he had made it past one step. Lavi was immediately pulled down, and Lenalee almost fell herself.

Lavi started to pull himself back up, but Chaoji grabbed his sleeve and forced him to lie next to him on the ground. Lenalee finally fell with them.

"If we can't walk," Chaoji began, "let us _roll_!"

Lavi shook his head violently. "NO, CHAOJI-"

Chaoji began to roll, crushing Lavi so that he was invisible under the layers of Chaoji's fat. Lenalee let out a shriek and the other team members ran onto the field to rescue Lavi. The whistle sounded, and Komui began yelling.

"That man is about to crush my Lenalee!"

Lenalee pried her foot away from the ropes and was able to stumble out of the way, though there was no reason for her to be afraid. Chaoji couldn't roll over again. He was too heavy.

Kanda, Allen, Miranda, Krory, Noise, and Lenalee all lined up and pushed Chaoji off of Lavi with all their might. The Matron hurried over, her nurses holding a stretcher, and rushed Lavi away.

Chaoji looked up at his teammate from where he lay on his back. "Did we win, my dearest friends?"

They all let out a low groan.

_Failure_.


	19. Chaoji tries to play Dodgeball Failure

Chaoji tries to play Dodge ball – Failure

**Chaoji tries to play Dodge ball –**_** Failure**_

There was only one contest left. This one would decide who won the competition. In this game, _every _team member must participate. It was _dodge ball_.

That's right. Chaoji had to play _dodge ball_. When the other exorcists heard the Chaoji had to join them in a game that involved _dodging_, they became pale at the same moment.

"I bet _Lavi _could do a better job than him," Noise thought aloud, "and he's unconscious in the infirmary!"

Unwillingly, they all lined up, face to face with their opponents. Chaoji stood at the end of the line, excited that the games were almost over. All this exercise was _killing _him. He hadn't moved this much in all the years he had lived combined! Even sitting and watching his teammates tired him. Just thinking about moving was exhausting to Chaoji.

Everyone began tossing their dodge balls. Chaoji plunged forward, reaching to catch a ball. It slipped from his fingertips.

"OUT!" someone cried.

"Don't _catch _the ball!" Kanda sneered. "That's not how we're playing it here! Don't touch it until it hits the _ground_!"

Chaoji didn't understand. "They said to catch the ball!"

Lenalee smiled sympathetically at him. "Chaoji, that's if a lot of people have been kicked out. Then we can bring them back into the game, see?"

Chaoji dragged his feet to the outside of the playing area. It wasn't long before other teammates joined him.

Allen was excited when he caught a ball, but regretted bringing back his teammates when he remembered that Chaoji was among them.

Another ball soared towards Chaoji. He allowed it to hit the ground at his feet before reaching to pick it up.

"Over here!" Krory called to him, holding his arms open. "I'll give it a shot!"

Chaoji stuck his tongue out at him. "It's _my _ball! I won't give it to you, you fanged beast!" Chaoji flung his ball forward, hitting Allen in the back of the head.

"OUT!"

"That doesn't count!" Lenalee cried in objection, but Allen was ushered off the field. Everyone turned to glare at Chaoji.

"Don't get him out!" one of the Asian Branch players cried, pointing to Chaoji. "I think he might be able to help us!"

This angered Chaoji. He didn't want to help his opponents. He wanted his team to win! In his fury, he pried a ball from Miranda's grasp and ran forward, crossing onto the Asian Branch's side of the field, and still holding the ball, began banging it hysterically onto the player who had spoken a moment ago.

"OUT! OUT! OUT!" Chaoji was screaming.

Komui blew his whistle, so Chaoji stepped back.

"That's cheating!" Bak cried. "Cheating is _not _allowed! The Asian Branch _automatically _wins!"

Everyone nodded in agreement.

Chaoji wasn't paying attention, though. He was still chanting, "Out, out, out!" When everyone began moving off of the field again, he asked, "Did we win?"

Kanda, unable to contain his fury any more, plunged forward, his fists balled.

_Failure_.


	20. Thoughts on Chaoji after Sports Festival

What the others think of Chaoji after the sports festival – Failure

**What the others think of Chaoji after the sports festival – **_**Failure**_

When everyone returned to the Order, they went straight to the cafeteria, where Jerry was waiting with food for them. Chaoji, too tired from his workouts, headed straight to his room, knowing that he had just as much – if not _more _– food stored up there than Jerry could give him downstairs.

The cafeteria was dark, with only the light from the setting sun lighting the room as it came through the windows. The exhausted exorcists were the only ones remaining the cafeteria. Too exhausted to move, they sat and began discussing the sports festival.

"That was…" Allen began.

"_Horrible_," Lenalee finished with a sigh. "We were _smothered _by the other team."

Lavi, who had recently joined them from the infirmary, nodded in agreement. "Yeah, I'd say so."

"Because of that damn Chaoji," Kanda hissed, taking another bite of his soba. "That Fat Ass doesn't know _shit _about sports."

"You should have seen it," Noise agreed, turning to Lavi. "During dodge ball, he _crossed the field _and banged an Asian Branch player with his ball, while he was _holding it_!" Everyone rolled their eyes and laughed at the memory.

"Seriously? I missed that?" Lavi cried, smirking.

"Best part was when Kanda tried to hit him at the end."

"_Tried_?"

Noise looked uncertainly at Kanda, who was glaring at his soba. "Well, he sort of _bounced off _of Chaoji."

Lavi threw his head back, laughing loudly. "Man, I wish I were there! That's _priceless_!"

"It's _annoying_, and that's all!" Kanda grumbled. "Honestly, no matter what I do, I can never get even with that idiot!"

"Don't worry. One day all that chocolate bingeing will catch up to him," Miranda assured him in a nearly inaudible voice. "I know I must sound cruel saying that."

"Don't worry. We all hate him," Lavi assured her. "At least, I _think _we do." He looked around the table, raising an eyebrow. "What do you guys think of Chaoji?"

Lenalee glanced down at her lap. "I don't know if I should talk about someone behind their back…"

"Opposed to what? Saying it to his face?"

"I'd _love _to see that," Noise laughed.

Lenalee looked up uncertainly, confidence rising in her voice. "Well, I find it a little aggravating how he follows me around."

"He _was _looking at you strangely today," Allen agreed.

" '_Apple pie_'," Lavi snickered.

"Even that time when he was gangster," she continued, "and when he had that western accent. I almost felt like he was _flirting _with me, in a _Chaoji way_."

The room was dead silent. Everyone's eyes were wide with terror.

" '_A Chaoji way_'?" Kanda repeated.

Allen cleared his throat. "That sounds really…"

"…Frightening," Lavi finished.

"Understatement," Krory disagreed.

"What about you, Krory?" Lavi asked. "What do _you _think of him?"

"Well, I don't have to deal with him too much," he began. "He _did _call me a 'fanged beast' today during dodge ball, though, which I found slightly _rude_."

"Sometimes he _can _be really blunt," Miranda agreed hesitantly. "He doesn't ever beat around the bush."

"Too much exercise," Lavi joked.

"So, do you dislike him, too, Miranda?" Lenalee asked.

Miranda shrugged. "I hate to talk poorly about someone! Sometimes, I can be just as clumsy-"

Everyone shook their heads violently. "No _way _do you compare in the slightest to Chaoji!"

Noise groaned. "I haven't had too much experience with him _yet_, but he's in my group, so I bet he'll get on my nerves in no time."

"Maybe he'll start calling you 'Noise-Nissan'," Allen suggested. "He calls Kanda like that, as if they were brothers."

Noise nodded. "On missions, he does stick close to Kanda."

"Che, he's so annoying," Kanda hissed. "I hate that damn Fat Ass. I despise every aspect of his being."

Lavi laughed again. "Ouch! That was harsh, but I'd have to agree with Yu-chan on this one. You saw how he crushed me today! And remember when we went fishing? He seems to think I'm his best friend!"

"He still hates me, though," Allen added. "He keeps giving me these _looks_. He called me the devil's spawn the other day, too."

"Remember that time he did those imitations of you, Allen?" Miranda spoke up.

"That was _horrible_," Lavi said, nodding.

"What about when he tried to change his light bulb and Lenalee and I found him with the shard of glass in his eye?" Allen cringed at the memory.

Lavi laughed. "I took _so many _pictures of that! Priceless moment right there! Like when I gave him that wedgie!"

Lenalee covered her ears. "You guys are too mean!"

Allen yawned. "It is late, though. Maybe we should head to bed."

"Hey, that rhymed."

"Well, good night."

"Good night!"

--

Meanwhile, Chaoji sat in his bed, drifting off to sleep. He thought for a moment of all his friends downstairs, reliving the festival together. His great friends were probably talking right now, in this very second, about how great Chaoji had been, and how he was an aspect to the team.

What a great way to get closer to his friends this had been. They'd be able to hang out even _more often _now that he knew them better!

_Failure_.

_Authors' note: Thanks for reading the first 20 chapters of Chaoji hate! (Cheers) We're twenty percent there! Still a ways off, but we're getting there! I hope you enjoyed our 20th chapter special, in which the others gossiped about Chaoji (laughs) _

_Well, thanks again for reading, and please continue to do so as this story continues! _


	21. Tyki tries to kill Chaoji Failure

.

**Tyki tries to kill Chaoji – **_**Failure**_

Chaoji was waddling back home on his way to the grocery store when he spotted someone who appeared oddly familiar walking just a few feet in front of him. He squinted his eyes, and after a moment of racking his offensively small brain, he realized that it was Tyki Mikk, one of the Noah from the Ark.

"Allen's friend!" he whispered to himself, causing the people around him to back away slowly. "The one that Allen sacrificed his morals to save!"

Chaoji knew what he had to do. He had to sacrifice his king size Snicker's bar and use it as a weapon to defeat this Noah!

He took a deep breath and dashed forward. After an hour or so (remember that he's a few feet in front of Chaoji), he was able to catch up to the Noah. He withdrew his Snicker's bar and began banging it onto Tyki's back.

"Take that, you evil person!" he cried lamely. "I have _super strength_, you know!"

Tyki stopped walking, wondering who was tapping on his shoulder. He turned around and rolled his eyes.

"Oh, jeez," he muttered. "Aren't you the exorcist who broke the floor under your weight while trying to attack me?"

"That's me!" Chaoji announced proudly, not realizing that this was a bad thing.

"You also attempted to kill Road with a butter knife," he added, fighting to hold back his laughter.

Chaoji nodded. "I was feeling rebellious that day."

Tyki was finding it nearly impossible to hold back his laughter now. _Might as well finish this exorcist off now, _he thought to himself, because normal people don't talk to themselves like Chaoji did.

Tyki spun around, swatting away Chaoji's candy. He reached forward, through Chaoji, trying to grab hold of his heart.

Tyki's arm sunk deeper…and deeper…was it _ever _going to reach his heart? How many layers of fat _did _Chaoji have?

Finding that he didn't want the answer to that question, Tyki withdrew his arm and ran for it.

_Failure. _


	22. Chaoji tries 2steal Allens Oreos Failure

Edward Cullen is like a snowflake

.

**Chaoji tries to steal Allen's Oreos – **_**Failure**_

All was well at the Order, or so it seemed (Chaoji was not in the room quite yet). Allen sat at a table in the cafeteria by himself, munching into the box of cookies that Jerry had bought especially for him, the one and only _double stuffed Oreos_.

Chaoji, who was attempting to sneak into the kitchen four the sixteenth time that day, as he always did, immediately realized that there was a new food present in the cafeteria. He stopped dead in his tracks, shutting his eyes to let the aroma sink in. Yes, there was definitely a new food in there. Each day, every food in the kitchen would begin calling to him. Today he was hearing a new voice – one he hadn't heard before!

Chaoji stumbled over to Allen, noisily taking a seat next to him on the bench, causing the entire table to tip in his direction. All the cookies began sliding towards him as the table tilted. Chaoji, of course, didn't realize that this was because his weight had lifted the table. He believed that whenever food did this, it was because it was _choosing _him, as he had chose it, and was rushing over in his direction so that he could consume it all.

Chaoji dove for the cookies with a determination never seen in him before. Allen reached forward as quickly as he could, snatching the cookies back before they could fall into Chaoji's grasp.

"Jerry bought these for me, Chaoji," Allen explained, trying to sound calm. "They're mine."

"But they _love _me," Chaoji told him. "They _called _my name. They _ran_ to me. They _chose _me."

Allen's eyes widened as he stared at Chaoji. His anger was almost outshined by his sympathy. He had never heard anything so pitiful in his life.

"Chaoji," he began in a soothing, understanding voice. "Chaoji, food doesn't think. It isn't alive."

Chaoji beat a hand on his chest. "It lives inside of me!"

_I'm sure the entire kitchen does_, Allen thought to himself. "Chaoji, you can't steal my cookies."

"It's not stealing," Chaoji argued. "They _want _me. They're _mine _now."

Allen couldn't take it anymore. He leapt to his feet, holding the cookies behind his back. "Chaoji, I challenge you to a game of poker," he said, an evil gleam in his eyes. "Whoever wins gets the double stuffed cookies."

_Author's notes: Don't ask about the Edward Cullen thing. I have no idea how it got there, but it's stuck there. Just ignore it LOL Honestly, no idea…Anyway, thanks for reading, and I hope you'll drop us a review! _


	23. Chaoji tries to play poker Failure

Edward Cullen is like a snowflake

**Chaoji tries to play poker – **_**Failure**_

"The question is, which one is double stuffed?" Lavi stared back and forth between Chaoji and the cookies, smirking.

"This is stupid," Kanda muttered, "but if the Fat Ass is finally going to get a taste of his own medicine, I have no choice but to watch."

"I wonder if the reason Chaoji's so persistent is because those cookies are actually distant relatives of his," Lavi said thoughtfully.

Kanda groaned. "Are you going to be telling _double stuffed cookie_," he spat the word, "jokes the entire time?"

"Damn straight."

A smirk grew on Noise's face. "Good. Chaoji is going to get it _bad _today."

"You guys are just _assuming _he'll fail," Lavi said. "You haven't had the live, close up experience that I've had with Allen and _poker_."

Chaoji examined his cards, not knowing what the strange designs on them meant. He knew he had seen something like these cards before, but he couldn't quite place it. Allen was studying his cards, too, waiting for Chaoji to speak.

"Well?" he asked after a moment of waiting.

Lavi snickered. "Allen, leave him alone! What if he's talking to the cookies? If you yell at him, he won't be able to hear what they're saying!"

"They're not talking right now," Chaoji argued. Everyone let out a sigh of relief just as he added, "They're _singing _now."

What they were singing had nothing to do with the game, though, so Chaoji was still lost. He shut his eyes, grabbing his head, and rocked back and forth in his chair, trying to remember where he had seen the cards before.

Allen stared at him, dumbfounded, and having no idea what he was doing. "Chaoji, if you have a bad hand, incantations or whatever you're going right now aren't going to help."

Chaoji finally remembered. The kind in his hand resembled an akuma he had seen once on the ship. _Leave it to Allen to use akuma-based toys_, he thought snidely.

"Man, the last time I played poker was so long ago," Allen said, addressing the three exorcists who were actually paying attention to the game (as in everyone but Chaoji, the player).

"Yeah," Lavi agreed with a laugh, "and that time it was Tyki Mikk, wasn't it?"

Chaoji knocked the table over then, sending all of the cards flying everywhere and knocking Allen's hand out of his, well, hands.

"BLASPHEMY!" he bellowed at the top of his lungs. He pointed a shaky finger at Allen. "You are the Devil himself! Playing with akuma toys with Noah! I curse your ugly face, Allen Walker! May no one ever suffer under your murderous wrath ever again!"

"Chaoji," Noise snapped. "It's a game of cards, calm down."

Lavi cupped a hand over Noise's mouth. "Shut up, Noise! It's getting to the good part!"

Chaoji glared over at Noise. "You are a terrible Nissan. Kanda-Nissan can recognize the evil in this room, can't he? Kanda-Nissan has not fallen into the trap laid out by the treacherous _Allen Walker_!"

Kanda raised an eyebrow. "_Beansprout_, treacherous? Che! If only; then he might actually accomplish something on missions."

Allen ignored that, glaring at Chaoji. He opened his mouth and closed it again and again, as if debating with how cruel of a comeback he wanted to use. Everyone watched patiently until he muttered, "I would have beat you anyway," and stormed from the room, snatching his cookies as he went, not wanting to argue anymore with the other exorcist.

Lavi rolled his eye. "Well, that was anti-climatic." His green eye lit up and he jumped out of his seat, snapping his fingers. "I have an idea!" He pointed at Chaoji, smirking. "I challenge you to a game of _'Trouble'_, to avenge Allen! Me and Noise against you and your Kanda-Nissan!"

Kanda jumped to his feet. "No way in _hell_ am I playing with _him_."

"Look, Kanda-Nissan is so _shy_!" Chaoji laughed. "Sure, I'll play!" Then he cocked his head, looking confused. "How much trouble do we have to get into, though? I don't want anyone to get mad at us."

Failure.

Author's notes: He's still a snowflake, my friends. Still a snowflake, though I haven't the slightest idea why…hopefully he'll have melted by next chapter…

_Anyway, next chapter Chaoji plays 'Trouble'. Stick around. _


	24. Chaoji tries to play 'Trouble' Failure

Chaoji tries to play 'Trouble' – Failure

**Chaoji tries to play '**_**Trouble'**_** – **_**Failure**_

"I don't want to be red," Chaoji argued. "Red makes me think of blood which makes me think of-" he took a deep breath, preparing himself for what he had to say next "-ANIIIITTTTTTAAAAAAAAAAA-SAAAMMMAAA!!"

"Anita didn't bleed to death," Lavi muttered under his breath.

"Really?" Chaoji asked. "I could've sworn…oh, well. I hadn't been paying much attention."

Everyone groaned, banging their heads on the table. "Then don't complain about it so often…"

Kanda crossed his arms, fuming. He sat halfway down the entire table, not only because he didn't want to sit directly next to Chaoji but also because Chaoji took up too much room for him to be able to view the board either way unless he stood behind him. "I'm not participating. Do whatever you want!"

"Don't take that too literally," Noise advised nervously.

Lavi pressed the popper, and the die landed on six. He and Noise exchanged a high five, beaming as they removed one of their pieces from _HOME_. Noise pressed it this time, and the die landed on three. He moved the piece forward.

Chaoji reached to press on the popper, but Noise held up a hand to stop him. "Give Kanda a turn, huh? I think he might be better off being the one to press it."

"Why?" Chaoji asked.

Lavi and Noise exchanged a quick, nervous glance. "Well, Chaoji, because…because…"

"Because you have super strength!" Lavi said. "We don't want you breaking it." Then, under his breath to Noise, "That may be true, but it ain't because of super strength!"

Kanda rolled his eyes before dragging himself over, reminding himself that the only reason he was participating was to see Chaoji get crushed, since the poker idea had failed. He quickly pressed it down, landing the die on a five, before wandering back to his seat without a word.

"YAY!" Chaoji cried, moving his piece forward five places. "Come on, Kanda-Nissan, push it again."

Noise stared at the piece he had moved. "Chaoji, you can only move it _after _you get a six, remember?"

"NO."

"Well, in this game, on your first turn you have to get a six to move your piece out of _HOM-_"

"I'm hungry!" Chaoji wailed randomly banging his fists on the table and leaving an indent in it. "It's been nearly fifteen minutes since my last meal!"

Kanda jumped to his feet. "That's it. I can't take this anymore!" He stormed from the room, ignoring Chaoji calling his name.

"Kanda-Nissan. Kanda-Nissan. Kanda-Nissan. Kanda-Nissan."

"Chaoji, he's gone."

"Kanda-Nissan. Kanda-Nissan. Kanda-Niss- _oh_, I guess he is." He took a deep breath before turning back to the game. "My turn!"

"Actually-"

He banged onto the popper, shattering it to pieces. Chaoji frowned, pulling himself to his feet.

"That game sucked," he complained. "Let's have a pie eating contest instead."

Lavi shook his head. "That's one game I don't stand a chance at."

Noise stared at the pieces of the game. "You're going to replace that, right?"

Chaoji laughed in his face, causing his enormous stomach to jiggle. "It's _your _fault for buying this breakable shit, not mine!"

_Failure. _


	25. Chaoji bobs for apples EPIC Failure

**Chaoji tries to Bob for Apples – EPIC **_**Failure**_

It was the annual Halloween party at the Black Order! Everyone was excited about the party until Noise's eyes grew wide with terror and he pointed towards the door, shuddering.

Lavi, who was currently hanging paper spiders from the ceiling, paused to stare at Noise. "Oh, man," he muttered, "don't tell me you hear…"

"The loudest, hardest thumping I've ever heard," he groaned. "I think I'm going to have a headache…"

Every person in the room turned, exchanging quick, exasperated glances. "Chaoji," they all moaned in unison.

Just then, the door flung open and Chaoji stumbled in, dressed as a giant, red M&M. "Ready to go get some candy?" he cried cheerfully.

Lavi leaned over to Allen, whispering, "Why'd he bother with the costume? He could scare everyone away _without _a mask!"

"I _said_," Chaoji hollered, "_ARE YOU READY TO GET SOME CANDY_?"

"Chaoji, calm down!" Reever shot at him bitterly from across the room. "None of us _go _trick or treating. This is our annual Halloween party."

Chaoji blinked a few times. Parties meant lots of people and lots of people meant lots of _food_. He shut his eyes, picturing a long buffet table with all you can eat cookies and brownies and seven layer bars and whoopee pies and triple-chunk-chocolate-blast-extreme-choco-crunch-cookies…

"Am I…_invited_?" he asked in a soft, hopeful voice, attempting to make a puppy dog face. Everyone stared at his attempt to look cute and turned away, turning green. Lavi ran from the room in search for a bucket.

Kanda, who had been dragged to the party involuntarily, was _not _going to let this event get any worse. He pointed above Chaoji's head to the paper spiders. "Are you sure you want to stay here?" he asked, a snide edge in his voice. "There are spiders and ghosts everywhere."

"Kanda-Nissan, don't be a dumb ass," Chaoji shot, laughing so that the entire room quaked, "those are paper – _DUH!_"

Kanda reached for Mugen, striding forward. Lenalee caught him by the sleeve and pulled him back. "Let it go," she advised him, "whenever you try to kill him it just ends up hurting you more in the end, anyway."

"Yeah, but it's still amusing," Noise muttered so only they could hear. A smirk flickered across Kanda's face, but he backed out of the room.

"Let's start by bobbing for apples!" Komui sang cheerfully, addressing everyone _but _Chaoji. "The winner gets a box of Halloween chocolates, baked by Jerry!"

Jerry waved to the group, winking. "That's right!"

Chaoji eyed the box of chocolates and wobbled forward, pushing everyone around him out of his way, charging (the best he could) towards the apple bin. He shoved his face into the water without hesitation, although the game hadn't begun. Everyone watched, awestruck, knowing that they'd have to replace the entire barrel of apples after he came back out.

Chaoji straightened himself up again, an apple barred in his teeth. Suddenly, he spat it out, back into the water, and began spitting into the water, waggling his tongue.

"FRUIT!" he screamed. "I _hate _fruit! Despicable, contaminated, putrid fruit! Why didn't anyone warn me there was _fruit _in there?" he yelled as he continued to hack and spit into the barrel. This time, Miranda left the room in search for a bucket, her face as green as Lavi's had been.

"We said it was apple bobbing," Komui muttered.

"And thus, it is confirmed: Chaoji never attended kindergarten."

"Ken doll garden?" he repeated, pausing his spitting for a moment.

Everyone groaned, rolling their eyes.

"Chaoji, are you done?" Allen asked hesitantly as Chaoji continued to cough up his saliva into the barrel of apples.

"One second." Chaoji leaned his head back, gargling so loudly that Noise ran from the room, clutching his ears. Then he leaned forward and spat out whatever remained in his mouth of the fruit he hadn't even bitten into. "There. Now, did I win that chocolate?"

Jerry raised an eyebrow nervously. "Hon, you're not getting _any _of my chocolate!"

_Failure._

_Author's notes: Happy 25th anniversary! I know it's a little early for Halloween, but there's a second part to this (and possibly even another after that...we'll see) so that will come out closer to the holiday. I just felt like I needed to put out some more Chaoji HATE, as usual XD Hope you enjoyed it, and please review and let me know what you thought!_


	26. Chaoji tries to trick or treat Failure

**Chaoji tries to Trick or Treat – _ Failure_**

"So, _is _anyone going to go trick or treating with me?" he asked in a whiney voice, holding up his plastic, hollow pumpkin. "Pretty please with chocolate sauce on top?" He paused, envisioning chocolate sauce. He wished he could take a gallon of it, just for a quick drink before heading out on his long, hard walk through the night in search of candy…

Lavi had returned to the room by now, no longer sick to his stomach. "Someone ought to go with him," he whispered. "I'd hate to think of what would happen to the children if he went unsupervised."

Lenalee sighed as no one stepped forward. "_Fine_, I'll go with him-"

"NO!" Komui sobbed. "Lenalee, you can't walk around in the dark on Halloween! There are all sorts of _creeps _out there!"

Lavi snickered. "Not right now, but in a minute there'll be one." He eyed Chaoji.

Chaoji tried to cross his arms, but his stomach was too large, so he settled with placing his hands on his hips. "You guys are terrible people!" he cried randomly before wobbling out of the room. "I'll go by myself!"

After he left, everyone began cheering.

--

Chaoji walked through the dark streets, shaking from head to toe. He had never been this afraid, not since his fellow crew had played an April Fool's prank on him, saying that Kit Kat Bars were going out of business. Chaoji tried to concentrate on Kit Kat Bars, humming the song under his breath to keep himself focused. He was alone on a dark street (he had been trying to walk on the sidewalk, but he was far too wide).

At last, he heard voices up ahead. They weren't the voices of excited children, but rather of the candy, once again calling to him, chanting his name.

Chaoji's mouth began watering and he picked up his speed to ten feet a minute. "Like Sirens, they call to me," he said, talking to himself again, "I cannot resist their plea! I must devour them, because they love me, as I will love them!"

Just then, some actual trick or treaters passed by. They stared in horror at the giant that was stomping over to them, talking to himself about devouring things. They let out a scream and tried to run down a nearby street.

Chaoji picked up not the screams, but the calling of the children's candy. He sped up even more, hunting down the children through the darkness.

"Give me candy!" he cried stupidly, wandering aimlessly in the darkness. "GIMME GIMME _GIMME_!"

The children, who were currently huddling, terrified, behind a bush, threw their candy into the road at Chaoji's feet. He tried to bend down to pick them up, but was unsuccessful. He was still happy, though.

"The chocolate fairy has brought me gifts! They have fallen from the Heavens!" he sang joyfully. "Man, I _love _being an exorcist!"

He fell onto his side to scoop up the candy and then rolled back to the Black Order. He rolls faster than he ran, so he was there in no time at all.

Problem was, he squished his chocolate as he rolled and had to go back out.

_Failure. _


	27. Jasdevi tries to kill Chaoji Failure

**Jasdevi tries to kill Chaoji – **_**Failure**_

Chaoji wobbled down the street, gripping tightly onto the large plastic bag in his hands. He had just bought something called the _Mega Cookie _– a four pound piece of cookie dough. It was a relief to him that he'd be able to buy just one product that could be a snack. With small packaging like King Sized bags of M&Ms, he'd have to buy at least four a day. This was so much easier.

Just around the corner, two bored Noah stood, waiting for an easy human target to pass the time tormenting. Chaoji just happened to walk around the corner and into their view just then.

"Lookit that fat ass," Debitto laughed, pointing at him. "Seems like an easy target, huh?"  
Jasdebi nodded his head. "Hee hee! Blubber-face looks familiar, doesn't he?"

Debitto studied him for another moment before bursting out into another round of laughter. "It's a friend of Allen Walker and them!" he cried excitedly.

Chaoji stopped dead in his tracks, having overheard. He turned around to face the Noah, trying to shoot them a stern look that just made them laugh harder. "Do _not _associate me with that Oreo-stealing one-armed Cyclops!" he cried in a whiney voice, stomping his feet so the Earth shook. The ground began to crack and Jasdebi fell over. Debitto clutched onto a stop sign, catching his balance.

"What a fatso!" he barked. "Let's kill this fucktard now!"

"Hee hee!" Jasdebi laughed in agreement.

"Killing is _mean_!" Chaoji cried, trying to sound kind hearted and sophisticated, although what he was really thinking was: _If I can't stall, I won't be able to eat this Mega Cookie_! "Killing _evil _people is okay," he continued, inching away, "but killing nice people is super, duper not nice at all!"

Debitto bit his tongue, resisting another round of laughter. He was hardly able to keep his face straight as he said, "If you're not an evil person, you'll give my starving twin a bite of that cookie, won't you?" He raised an eyebrow, challenging Chaoji.

Chaoji seemed to have no choice. He wouldn't be fast enough to escape them, so either way, he'd be missing out on the _Mega Cookie_. Reluctantly, he held out the _Mega Cookie _so that Jasdero could break off a piece.

As Jasdero lifted the cookie dough to his mouth, Chaoji stood stiller than a statue (other than the flapping of his fat in the wind) and watched, green jealously filling him faster than a triple choco-milkshake. He began to squirm uneasily as the cookie dough called out to him, asking why he had abandoned it.

"I thought we had something, Chaoji!" it called to him (actually, it's not talking, Chaoji's just a fucking idiot who imagines it is), "You said you needed me, and now you're casting me aside like this!"

Chaoji began to stumble (rather than 'rush') forward to save the dough in distress, but Debitto kicked him backwards, and both the twins drew their guns at the same time.

"GO!" Debitto cried, and they pulled the triggers.

The twins were not familiar with Chaoji's blubbery shield effect and were not expecting the bullets to bounce off of Chaoji and to soar back at them.

So in the end, Chaoji got to eat all of his _Mega Cookie_.

_Failure. _


	28. Chaoji takes a Nap Failure

**Chaoji takes a nap – **_**Failure**_

Lavi was smirked devilishly as everyone crowded into the cafeteria, ready for their annual Thanksgiving celebration. Allen studied his face, unsure of what he was so excited about.

"Lavi?" he asked hesitantly. "You've got this mysterious gleam in your eyes…"

Lavi rubbed his hands together as if he were plotting something. "This is our vacation, Allen. Our vacation from the beast."

"The beast…?" Allen repeated, still not understanding.

Lenalee sat next to him, pointing over to the entrance, where Chaoji was stumbling in. "I think he means Chaoji, but that's all I know. How is this a vacation from him?"

Kanda groaned, falling into the seat next to Lavi. "If anything, it's going to be a hell lot worse than usual. We're going to have to watch him stuff his face to no tomorrow."

"Worse than Halloween," they murmured thoughtfully, gazing off into the distance for a moment, recalling the previous holiday. With a shudder, they brushed the thoughts away, snapping back to reality.

"Don't you _see_?" Lavi cried. "Chaoji's going to stuff his face with turkey!"

"I don't _want _to see," Noise whined.

"Turkey is as effective as sleeping pills," Lavi reminded them. "Eat a lot of it, and you're out like a light. We'll get a vacation from Chaoji because today, he'll finally sleep!"

"Why doesn't he usually sleep?" Lenalee wondered aloud.

"It's his stomach," Allen explained. "He's always hungry, so he has to stay awake to eat."

"I've tried sleeping pills, but it's only worse because when he doesn't eat, his stomach growls louder than Krory's!" Lavi cried.

Krory blinked. "What?"

"You drugged Chaoji?" Lenalee verified, a little bit of shock in her voice.

Lavi shrugged. "Sometimes, a man's survival instincts block out his common sense."

"Survival instincts?"

Chaoji joined them, plopping down onto the bench next to Lenalee. It snapped underneath them, and Chaoji groaned. "Everything here is so _cheap_," he complained.

"It was designed for humans, not ogres," Lavi muttered to Kanda.

They moved onto a different bench just as Jerry came over, holding a turkey. "Here's yours," he told them, placing it down on their table. Allen reached forward and began cutting off pieces for everyone, and just as Jerry began walking away to serve the other tables, Chaoji grabbed his sleeve, stopping him. Reluctantly, he stopped. At this point, even Jerry hated Chaoji.

"Where's mine?" he demanded.

Jerry blinked. "Excuse me?"

"Where's _my _turkey?"

Everyone stopped eating and stared at Chaoji.

Jerry sighed. "I'll give one of the other ones for you and Allen to split, since you both tend to eat a lot." Allen frowned. He knew he ate a lot, but it was still really bad to be lumped in with Chaoji.

Jerry came over again and placed another turkey down. Allen reached forward to cut it again, but Chaoji swatted the knife out of his hands, sending it flying across the room (probably landing in one of Leverrier's cakes or something).

"_Mine_," he hissed in a deadly voice, snatched the entire plate away from Allen.

"It's for the best," Lenalee assured him.

So, as you expected, Chaoji stuffed the turkey down his throat, not bothering to use utensils. Half way through the meal, Kanda stood up and left, unable to watch any longer. Chaoji didn't stop to take a breath – he plummeted into his turkey, nonstop. It was not a pretty sight, and by the end of the meal, half the cafeteria was empty, where before it had been full.

Chaoji sat back, yawning, and waving away the napkin Miranda was trying to hand him, causing her to walk out, along with a few finders and Johnny.

Chaoji yawned again, causing Lavi to perk up. He winked at Lenalee and Allen, the only exorcists remaining in the cafeteria.

Chaoji seemed like he was just about to fall asleep when a few of Jerry's cooks came over with pies. Lavi's eyes widened, and he exchanged a nervous glance with Allen. "Wait a minute…"

Chaoji snatched all the pies from their hands and ate them like bite sized cookies, popping them into his mouth.

Lavi slammed his head onto the table, and with a sigh, Lenalee got up and left.

"What?" Allen asked, not understanding why everyone had gotten upset about pie.

"The sugar, Allen," Lavi groaned. "He won't fall asleep once he's high on sugar. The way he eats pies, he'll be awake the whole rest of the _week_." Allen and Lavi peered nervously over their shoulders to see Chaoji running over to Link to steal his pie, too.

Defeated, Lavi and Allen stood up, leaving the cafeteria.

_Failure_.

**Author's Notes: Sorry I'm so late with the Thanksgiving chapter! I hope it was all right and that you'll let me know what you think! **

**We'd also like to thank you all for 200 reviews! We love you guys!!!!!!**

**And that you all had a great Thanksgiving, too, and enjoyed seeing **_**Twilight **_**last weekend! XD**


	29. Lavi tries to kill Chaoji 2 Failure

**Lavi tries to kill Chaoji 2 – **_**Failure**_

"Allen, I just don't get it," Lavi whined as he walked through the halls with Allen, heading towards the cafeteria.

"What?" Allen asked.

Lavi sighed heavily. "Why does Chaoji get more screen time than me in the last few episodes of the last season? And as if that isn't bad _enough, _we're wearing matching shirts!" he cried desperately.

Allen shuddered, remembering how excited Chaoji had been about the wardrobe for the last months of the season, and how he had said that it symbolized his undying friendship with the bookman.

"Lavi," he cautioned, "You shouldn't talk so loudly about him."

Lavi sighed. "That's right. We're headed to the cafeteria, which means we'll run into him for sure…. He practically lives there, huh?"

"I feel bad for Jerry."

Lavi shook his head, pointing to his chest, "Pity _me_! You know how he stalks me! I've had just about all I can take! Take last night, for instance. He came knocking on my door at twelve at night, saying that he wanted to watch the Barney marathon with me. I guess all the sugar keeps him up. I was sound asleep, though, and so was the Old Panda. Of course, Gramps blames _me _for getting woken up…" Lavi shuddered. "It wasn't pretty, I tell you."

Allen nodded. "I know what you mean."

"And last week," Lavi continued, picking up a momentum, "I left the lunch table for one second to go find a napkin, and when I come back, his face was literally _in my bowl_. I haven't eaten rice since."

"He was in your _bowl_?" Allen verified.

Lavi nodded. "He says that they were calling him, and that he couldn't resist their 'seductive pleas'. He's like, a freaking food pervert."

Allen decided to ignore Lavi's new phrase. "He seems to be having conversation with food a lot lately. Maybe he should get that checked."

Lavi shook his head. "We can't get a doctor _near _him. Once they see one thing, they'll see another, and he'll be locked up in the clinic for days – not that that's a bad thing in general, but it'd cost a whole lot."

Allen shrugged. "I guess we'll just have to deal, then."

Ironically, a large thumping came just as they were saying this, nearly knocking them off of their feet. Chaoji's loud, high, obnoxious voice echoed through the halls (and probably the whole country at that).

"Lavi, my dearest, closest, most adoring best friend of all time!" he greeted him. "Want to sit together?"

"Do I have a choice?" Lavi muttered, refusing to turn around to face Chaoji, who was still scampering down the halls after him.

"Lavi, you're so funny!" he laughed. "Everyone here is so funny that I can hardly stand being by myself anymore. You're all so much fun to be around."

Lavi had had it. He raised his hammer, swinging it backwards to slam it into Chaoji. Of course, as seen a million times before, it merely bounced off of Chaoji, but this time with a lot of force. The hammer went flying in the opposite direction, too fast for Lavi to stop it, and slammed into the head of Inspector Leverrier, who had just taken a turn into their hallway. Lavi withdrew his weapon and Chaoji ran away.

_Failure. _

**Author's notes: This chapter was requested by Tiny Secret! I hope it came out all right. Sorry it took me forever to do this. I'm open to requests if anyone has any - don't worry, though. We've got a zillion more ideas up our sleeves if you don't have any. But just know that if you ever want a certain chapter let us know and we'll do it. **


	30. Chaoji tries to be festive Failure

**Chaoji is Festive– **_**Failure**_

"It's Christmas time!" Allen cried happily, clapping his hands together as he walked down the hall, surrounded by the other exorcists. "Are we going to decorate?"

"Hell yes!" Lavi shot his fist in the air energetically. "We'll have the sexiest tree in the whole damn universe!"

"I can't wait to start Christmas shopping!" Lenalee agreed.

"I remember celebrating with Eliade," Krory said in a dreamy voice. "Every Christmas night, we would-"

"Ornaments!" Miranda cut him off. "We'll need ornaments!"

"Lots of lights, too!" Noise agreed.

"We should do Secret Santa!" Lenalee suggested.

Suddenly, from out of nowhere came Chaoji, his eyes ablaze, with fury flooding his eye sockets (best sentence ever).

Kanda blinked. "What the f-"

"You guys are terrible commercialist!" he cried, pointing at them as if he were an elementary school student tattling to the teacher. "Christmas is about love, happiness, friendship, family, Jesus, love, love, and…um…did I say love?"

Lavi smirked. "I don't think you did."

"Love, too!"

"Sorry, couldn't hear you!" Lavi winked to Allen, who shot him a dirty look.

"Lo-"

"How would you love to have Mugen shoved down your throat?" Kanda snapped.

Chaoji shook his head. "Kanda-Nissan is hilarious, and his jokes are very amusing. But during these holy times, we must be serious about what we say as we prepare for the Christmas season."

"A lot of people don't like the commercialism," Miranda said defensively as everyone shot Chaoji dirty looks. "Although, it _does _puzzle me that Chaoji is so upset."

"Why is that?" Chaoji demanded, gawking.

Miranda shrugged, becoming a little flustered. "Well…I thought…you'd be excited about Christmas chocolate."

And so, Chaoji was the one to write the Secret Santa list.

_Failure._

**Author's Notes: Thirty chapters! (does victory dance) I am so proud of myself right now…and thank you all as usual for reviewing. I probably wouldn't have bothered writing this much if I hadn't gotten reviews. You guys are freaking amazing. **

**So, we'll be having a few more Xmas stories before the actual holiday. I'm guessing not all of you celebrate, but the Black Order is Christian, and won't be celebrating anything else. **

**Thanks for reading! Let me know what you think!**


	31. Chaoji tries to decorate Failure

**Chaoji tries to Decorate for the Holidays – **_**Failure**_

Chaoji sat on a heap of broken boards from another table he had demolished, watching as everyone decorated. He stared with wide eyes as everyone hung wreaths and placed ornaments on the large tree, his mouth hanging open. Surrounding him were a thousand empty candy wrappers and a half-eaten cake. He was saving the rest for his friends. He was trying to, at least. It was hard to _not _eat it as it sat there, tempting him, covered in its milky chocolate frosting, complete with the words _Merry Christmas _spread across the top. Chaoji began to drool, causing a few of the finders who had been assisting the exorcists in decorating to leave.

"You see, the eye patch comes in handy," Lavi told Allen. "If I decorate this side of the tree, I'm at an angle where I can't see Chaoji."

"I say we take turns with it," Allen suggested, trying to sound innocent. "You know. Christmas spirit and all."

"No way. This is the only thing keeping me from puking all over this tree."

Kanda stepped into the room and Chaoji turned, still drooling, to stare at him.

"What the hell are you doing?" Kanda snapped, stepping back a bit.

"Staring at you," he answered.

"At least he's honest," Noise muttered sarcastically.

"He's frigging _drooling _at Kanda," Lavi pointed out (this is one case where we cannot blame Chaoji too much…)

Kanda turned around and walked out of the room without another word.

"Chaoji, want to help us?" Miranda called over to him.

"I'm too busy supervising," he whined. "Plus, I need to guard this cake."

"Wow, cake," Allen murmured, licking his lips.

Lenalee shook her head. "He didn't eat the other half with a fork. Or any utensil, at that. He eats it like you would a cookie."

Allen's face turned a little green as he realized how close he had come to eating the cake.

Krory rushed into the room, holding a giant, silver star. "For the top of the tree," he explained.

Lenalee clapped her hands together excitedly. "Oh, it's beautiful!"

"Noise is tallest. Let him do it," Lavi suggested, pointing to the exorcist.

Noise began to walk towards Krory, but Chaoji used his super-rolling-trick and beat him to Krory, snatching the star from his hands and running off at 0.0000000001 mph towards the tree. In fact, it was more of a trot than a walk, and it caused his ass fat to jiggle.

"I WANNA!" he screeched. "I WANNA, I WANNA, I _WANNA WANNA WANNA_!"

Chaoji grabbed a branch on the tree, lowering it so he could reach.

Anyone can deduce what happened after that.

Poor Lenalee didn't move fast enough and was in the infirmary for a week.

_Failure_.


	32. CHaoji prepares for Christmas Failure

**Chaoji prepares for Christmas – **_**Failure**_

Lavi and Allen walked side by side down the halls of the Order, admiring all the decorating that had been done. Suddenly Lavi stopped dead in his tracks, pointing to the ceiling, which had a humungous dent in it.

"Allen…?"

"Chaoji insisted on being the one to put the lights up."

"And you _let _him?"

Allen shook his head. "No…Kanda tried to stop him, but…well…Chaoji's _shield _went into activation."

Lavi nodded in understanding, and they began walking as if nothing had happened. "How far did Yu-chan fly?"

"Only a few miles."

"Oh, better than last time, at least."

They entered the library, where Chaoji was sitting on a bean bag (nothing else supported him at this point) in front of one of the desks, hunched over a piece of paper.

"Speak of the devil," Allen remarked as they entered.

Chaoji looked up, glaring at Allen. For a moment, he resembled an undead manatee even more than usual. "Allen, you can speak with the devil anywhere you want, but not around _me_." Trying to act tough, Chaoji got to his feet (causing his muscles to creak like rusted wheels) and knocking over the table as he did so. "If you want to do your devil worshipping in here, you'll have to get through me, first."

Lavi burst into a fit of laughter, causing him to leave the library to catch is breath. Seeing how unaffected Allen was (he was in the habit of muting Chaoji out lately), Chaoji became even _angrier_. He lifted a dictionary and chucked it at Allen.

"Ow!" Allen cried, becoming irritated. "Chaoji, it's Christmas! You shouldn't go around picking fights!"

Chaoji pointed angrily at him. "Do not speak of the holy holiday! I know you've been plotting to ruin my Christmas!"

Lavi, who had composed himself, reentered, picking up the dictionary. "Oh, shut up, Chaoji!"

"Killing demons is part of celebrating Christmas!" he cried lamely.

Lavi chucked the dictionary back at Chaoji, but it bounced off and hit Lavi with such force that he was knocked over. Chaoji's blubber continued to shake from the impact as he got back to his writing.

With a groan, Lavi pulled himself to his feet. "How about a pitchfork?" he whispered to Allen. "Perhaps a pitchfork could injure his fat. Or is it something simple, and I'm thinking too hard? Maybe a tack on the chair will work…"

Allen sighed, quickly darting past Chaoji before he could react. Chaoji glanced over his shoulder, glaring at Allen until he was out of sight. Then, once he was gone, he turned back to Lavi, a sudden smile spreading across his face. Lavi rolled his eyes.

"Look at my letter to Santa!" Chaoji squealed, waving the paper at Lavi.

Unwillingly, Lavi accepted the letter.

_Dear, dear, Santa…I luv you. _

_If u bring me chocolat. _

_Lotz of chocolat. _

_I lik anything BUTT darck chocolat. _

_Becawse that has no suger. _

_I lik suger. _

_Do u lik suger?_

_I've ben good and have been on a secret mission to kill demons this yeer._

_Please…give me chocolat. _

_I mite die if u don't. _

_I all so lik donuts and ice creem and cake and pi and candy and anything that don't got veggietablez or frute init. Becawse dat is digustininging. _

_Love, Chaoji_

_PS. Bring a little for my brother Kandah, two. He has ben a good boy, two. _

Lavi stared at the letter, ready to kill himself. "Can I write one?" he asked in as calm of a voice as he could manage.

"Sure!" Chaoji said, handing him a piece of paper.

Lavi scribbled a short message on the paper before rushing after Allen.

_Dear Santa, _

_Can I please, please, PLEASE have a blubber-proof weapon?_

_Thanks, Lavi_

Chaoji laughed. "A blubber-proof weapon?" he thought aloud. "Hm…who do we know that's fat? Oh, it must be that _Tapps _guy. Or maybe the Satan lover. He eats like a freaking _pig_." Chaoji laughed. "That kid needs a _diet_!" Chaoji burst into a fit of laugher, ROFLing, causing all the nearby shelves to fall down, squishing Lavi and Allen. They were brought on stretchers to the infirmary.

But don't be too angry with Chaoji, guys. He felt bad about it, well, Lavi at least. So everyday, he goes to the infirmary and sings Christmas carols to Lavi for three hours straight to make sure he's entertained.

_Failure. _


	33. Chaoji celebrates Festivus Failure

**Chaoji celebrates Festivus – **_**Failure**_

The members of the Order sat around the table, waiting excitedly to begin.

"Do you do this every year?" Allen asked timidly. Kanda and Lavi had just finished going through the rules of Festivus.

Lavi snickered. "Like _hell _we have. We're only doing this for _Chaoji_."

Allen nodded in understanding, though he still seemed reluctant. "Well, it's still kind of mea-"

"At this point, it doesn't matter," Lavi assured him.

"That Fat Ass deserves what's coming," Kanda hissed under his breath, cracking his knuckles.

"Now, now, Yu-chan, violence is not part of Festivus."

"But telling people why they suck is," Noise reminded them.

"That's the whole point." Lavi leaned back in his chair, smirking.

"Let's get started," Krory suggested, and everyone began staring at Chaoji, who was sitting alone on the opposite side of the table, with everyone glaring at him.

"What's Festivus?" he asked.

"It's when we tell each other how we've disappointed one another over the past year," Lavi explained again.

"What's up with the metal pole?" Chaoji asked. "Is it made of peppermint?"

"How about I shove it down your throat so you can see?" Kanda snapped.

Chaoji clapped his hands together in excitement. "Really? Oh, Kanda Nissan, you're so _helpful_!"

"Let's begin already!" Kanda said, drowning out Chaoji's voice.

"I'd like to begin," Lenalee said, standing up. Chaoji whistled at her, staring intently at the candy canes on her sweater.

"Shh!" Allen hissed, and everyone glared at Chaoji.

Lenalee sat back down. "Perhaps someone else should begin."

Kanda leapt to his feet, knocking his chair over. "Let's skip the formalities and get to pounding in his face!"

"What does that mean? Pounding in?" Chaoji wondered.

"No violence!" Lavi repeated, pulling Kanda back into his seat. "Just harsh words."

"You're a fat ass!"

"That doesn't count."

Chaoji laughed. "Great sarcasm, Kanda Nissan. You're right – I have been slimming down a bit. Perhaps I should eat a little more."

"How the hell did he get that?" Kanda muttered under his breath.

"Don't ask questions when it comes to the mind of Chaoji," Noise advised him.

"You have to say what they've done to annoy you specifically," Lavi reminded them, wondering if he was going to have to take out his Seinfeld DVDs to get them to understand.

"Chaoji," Noise said, standing up. "In the past year, you have ruined several tables in this cafeteria. Also, you may have damaged my hearing a little with all your thumping."

Chaoji was bouncing in his seat, excited for some reason. Outside, trees collapsed from the sudden earthquake.

"You bought me _bunny slippers_?" Chaoji cried, "to silence my shoes and celebrate my undying bond with Lavi?"

Lavi gripped onto the leg of the chair, forcing himself to stay put.

Noise shook his head, but Chaoji wasn't paying attention.

"Chaoji," Miranda called hesitantly, knocking over her chair as she stood. "Um, you…the other day…I mean, I'm clumsy too, but-"

"What is it?" Chaoji demanded. "Speak up, dammit. I don't have all day to listen to your yammering!"

"Chaoji, shut the fuck up!" Kanda screamed across the table.

"I think what he meant to say is that it isn't your turn yet," Lenalee whispered.

Chaoji nodded. "My bad."

"Sure was."

"What was that?"

"Nothing."

"What were you saying, Miranda?" Noise asked in soft voice.

Miranda, blinking away tears, shrugged. "I can't…remember…"

Chaoji rolled his eyes. "Ugh…this is going to take all day."

Lenalee stood up, wrapping an arm around Miranda's shoulder. "I think she was going to talk about how we were baking the other day for everyone and you _ate _all our cookies."

"Not only that!" Jerry, who had happened to be passing by, cried. "You took them _out of the oven _and then _ate them_!"

"I couldn't wait any longer!" Chaoji cried.

"Is it my turn yet?" Kanda shouted impatiently.

Krory stood up, clearing his throat. "Chaoji, just last week, you-"

Kanda stood up, drawing Mugen. "It's _my _turn!"

"No violence!"

"If you say that once more, I'll take your tongue!"

Everyone burst into an argument. Chaoji watched, fuming, until he couldn't stand it anymore. He stood up, knocking the table over with his stomach (along with all the exorcists who were standing in front of it), waving his finger menacingly.

"You, my friends, are all _selfish prats_!" he cried. "There was once a boy who asked 'what is the true meaning of Christmas'! Do you want to know what his answer was?"

"Chaoji, I already told you to _stop _quoting your ABC Family Christmas special movies!" Lavi screamed.

"You are all going against what Linus said to Charlie Brown!" Chaoji cried.

"Go figure. His knowledge doesn't go beyond a cartoon," Kanda spat.

"Allen!" he cried, pointing at the exorcist. "_You_, you little hell child, have disappointed me by _existing _in my _world_! You, Kanda Nissan, have disappointed me, because you are _only _nice to me, and not to anyone else!"

"What was that?"

"_You_, Lavi, my friend, need to stop being so self centered. Part of playing a game is breaking the rules!"

"Since when?"

"Noise, you are too ugly to be my friend," Chaoji added, "I'm sorry. But we're over."

Everyone glared at Noise, who was looking up to the Heavens, muttering a prayer of thanks.

"Miranda, stop being such a dumb ass. Krory, stop being so…well…_Krory_!"

"Huh?"

"Lenalee," he said, softly, stepping forward. "Oh, dear, dear, Lenalee…you, my friend, are _perfect_…" Chaoji licked his lips, stepping forward.

"Oh my God!" Lavi cried, yanking Lenalee away, "he's going to _eat _her!"

The exorcists turned and ran, scrambling through the halls, running from Chaoji as fast as they could. Chaoji stood, alone, not understanding what had just happened.

He scratched his head, dumbfounded. "What did I say?"

_Failure_.


	34. Chaoji waits up for Santa Failure

**Chaoji Waits for Santa – **_**EPIC FAILURE**_

Chaoji sat next to the tree, swaying back and forth eagerly. Soon, Santa would come.

Santa had never been able to visit Chaoji before. Chaoji was wondering why this was, and he was waiting up to ask Santa a few questions. If he couldn't get his answers, he'd just take an elf or two hostage until Santa fesses up.

Lenalee and Miranda rushed over to the tree, frowns on their faces.

"We had to go with store-bought cookies," Lenalee grumbled. "We weren't able to get enough ingredients to bake the cookies Chaoji ate over again."

Chaoji eyed the box. "Does Santa really need _all _of those?"

"Don't even _think _about eating them," Lavi snapped irritably as he hung the stockings. He glanced over his shoulder, eyeing Chaoji. "Why don't you go to sleep, Chaoji? We can take care of the final preparations."

"No, I'm waiting up for Santa."

Miranda shifted nervously on her feet. "Well, Santa might not come if someone's waiting up, Chaoji."

Chaoji stuck his tongue out at Miranda. "Sucks for you, then, doesn't it?"

"Chaoji, don't be cruel! It's Christmas Eve!" Lenalee cried, placing the cookies out onto a tray.

Chaoji wasn't looking at Lenalee, though. All he could concentrate on were the Pepperidge Farm assorted cookies that she was lying out on a plate.

"Psst, Chaoji," one of the Milanos called to him. "Chaoji, listen up!"

"I'm listening!" he cried, crawling across the floor towards them.

Lenalee smiled. "So you won't be rude to Miranda anymore?" she verified, thinking he was talking to her.

"Chaoji, I need your help!" the Milano cried out. "We _need _your help!"

"Santa ate all of our relatives throughout the centuries!" a Pirouette called in a pleading voice. "We need _you _to eat us, to break our deadly tradition!"

"For the sake of Christmas!" a Verona called.

Chaoji cringed. "No, you have fruit in you. I don't love you like I love the others."

"Miranda has fruit in her?" Lenalee exchanged a look with Lavi, who shrugged.

"I will do what you wish, in the name of Christmas!" Chaoji, feeling like a super hero, cried. He punched his fist into the air, defeating gravity once again, and tripped on air afterwards, toppling to the floor. The tree shook, threatening to fall over again. Lavi dashed forward, balancing it before it crashed down with Chaoji.

"Thanks, Chaoji," Lenalee said, tying to sound sincere, and believing once again that he was talking to her.

"I wasn't talking to _you_!" Chaoji snapped, shoving Lenalee roughly out of the way. He stared with bugging, mad eyes at the cookies, drool dripping between his fangs onto his enormous, beastly jelly belly. "My Milano! My _baby_!" He plunged forward, crashing into the table and knocking it over, along with the cookies, which scattered around him on the floor. He squirmed across the tiles, using his tongue to pull the food in, as if he were a frog. "Sweet nectar of the Heavens!" he cried. "They call to me and I hear their pleas, I satisfy their needs and I, in return, devour their very carcasses as they fall around me, sent by the Lord's angels from above! Holy, holy chocolate! Sacred, sacred almonds! Glorious coconuts and exalted, crunchy, bitey bits!"

When Chaoji was done eating, there was no one left on the entire first floor.

_Failure_.

**Author's Comments: Second to last Christmas chapter! I dedicate this to my bff Ki-chan, who asked for another epic failure chapter XD Hope you enjoyed it! I thank google for the cookie names, but Chaoji knows these off the bat as far as I'm concerned LOL**


	35. Chaoji tries to kill Santa Failure

**Chaoji tries to kill Santa – **_**Failure**_

It was the moment Chaoji had been waiting for all his life – for the first time, he was going to receive presents from Santa.

"He never visited me before," Chaoji explained to the remaining Melano. "I'm not sure why, though. After a while, I became aggravated and went to _him_." Chaoji became thoughtful, trying to remember that moment in his life. Even though is brain _was _smaller than the very cookie sitting next to him, it was so out of use that it was almost as difficult as _exercising _for Chaoji to use it. Yes, thinking was like a mile run with his brain. It never worked the way he wanted it to.

Chaoji fell over, beginning to curl into a ball from the pain and effort of working his mind. The Melano watched helplessly, not knowing how to help (of course it's just a stupid cookie lying on the floor, but I use personification as to not crush Chaoji's dreams).

At last, Chaoji remembered. He sat up, beaming over at his new friend. "I went to the mall," he said.

"Then what?"

"I don't remember."

"Okay."

Chaoji squinted his eyes, seeing something far away. "Well, it's a blur, but I can make out some of it. I was sitting on his lap…then there was a loud crunching sound, like something shattering into a million pieces…" Chaoji shrugged. "I have no idea what it could have been that was breaking while I sat on his lap, but afterwards I was thrown off of him and he was rushed to the hospital. They shouldn't have thrown me so roughly, though – it was _their _fault the ground dented, not mine, yet _I _was billed for repairs…"

"Your memory is good," the Melano assured him.

"Really?" Chaoji asked in his usual helium voice.

"Not really. I was just being nice. You didn't have to push it by asking again."

Chaoji shoved the Milano into his mouth, crunching it as roughly as he could.

Then, there was suddenly the sound of footsteps, coming nearer, nearer…

Chaoji tried to hide behind the tree, but it wasn't large enough.

Somehow, Santa Claus didn't notice. He was too busy stuffing the stockings.

He was stuffing them, all right. Chaoji licked his lips. His stocking was next. How much would _he _get?

Santa pulled out a single, bite sized, dark chocolate and placed it into the stocking before moving on to the next one.

"_Dark _chocolate?" Chaoji repeated, fury rising in his tone. "After _all _these years, _dark freaking putrid dishonorable effing chocolate_?" Chaoji shoved the tree out of his way, causing it to crash onto the ground, shattering all the ornaments on it. Santa spun around, eyes wide. He wasn't sure what to be more afraid of – that someone had caught him, or that that person was _larger _than _he _was?

"I WANT MY CHOCOLATE!" Chaoji screamed. "I WANNA WANNA WANNA WANNA CHOOOOCCCOOOLAAATE!" He sprung forward, somehow soaring through the air towards Santa.

Their stomachs collided, sending them flying backwards into opposite walls. Chaoji, though, went through the wall – went through the next, then the next – until he had demolished at least four walls, and had landed in none other than – yep, you guessed it – Leverrier's bed.

Chaoji, not knowing what to say, whispered, "Merry Christmas!"

_Failure_.

**Author's notes: And so, the Chaoji HATE Christmas special comes to an end. Thanks for the **ideas from PandaPandaka (dark chocolate) and AnimeFanAmber (a letter to Santa Claus) and thanks to the rest of you for reading! Have a very Merry Christmas!


	36. Chaoji makes friends Failure

**Chaoji makes friends – **_**Failure**_

"My Kanda-Nissan was very nice," Chaoji was saying to the man sitting next to him, who was also waiting to board the plane. "He said I deserved a vacation and needed some time away from everyone at the Order, and sent me here! Isn't that the sweetest thing an older brother can do?"

The man looked at him quizzically. "Didn't you only met this _Kanda _a few months ago? He isn't really your _brother_…"

Chaoji's eyes grew wide and he stared at the man as if _he_ were the one who looked like a half dead ogre from Neptune. "What do you mean? Kanda is my brother and Tiedoll is my father!"

"But you said-"

"You don't know me! You don't know who I am! You don't know my family!"

The man cringed a bit away from Chaoji. "I never said I-"

"I'm _sick _of you!" Chaoji screamed at the top of his lungs, standing up. "You always talk like the world revolves around you! You're so _self-centered_, like _Allen_!"

"I thought you said Allen was the nickname you used for the devil?"

"He _is _the devil!" Chaoji screamed, backing up and knocking over a plant. "We're _over_! I'm finding a _new _friend!"

The man let out a sigh of relief as Chaoji turned to face everyone else who was waiting. They all stared at him, bugged eyed and terrified to be his next victim.

He plopped down next to an elderly woman.

"I had to buy three tickets," he said randomly. "They said I was a new case. That they couldn't even just let me buy two seats. I had to pay for _three_. They say it's because of my _weight_. I hardly _have _weight. Right?"

Before the woman could answer, a young boy ran up, holding a camera phone. "Excuse me, sir, but can I take your picture?"

Chaoji laughed, shaking everything so that the woman nearly fell out of her seat. "Of _course_! I suppose as an _exorcist _I'm a _celebrity_!"

The boy smiled and nodded, though that was definitely not why he wanted a picture of Chaoji. "My friends won't believe I met someone like you if I don't take a picture," he explained, backing up halfway across the room so he could fit all of Chaoji into the picture. He snapped the shot, smirking as he ran off.

Chaoji turned back around to continue talking to the old woman, but she was gone. Despite her age, she moved faster than a bullet, determined to escape.

Feeling his stomach grumble, he made his sixth trip to the small sandwich shop over in the plaza area.

"You _again_?" the woman at the counter asked dryly, eyeing him with disgust. "Sir, you only have to wait ten more minutes for your plane. If you get sick from eating so much, you may not be able to sit through your whole trip."

"I've got a stomach of _steel_," Chaoji assured her.

"And a hell lot of other things," she muttered. "What's your order?"

"Three turkey, two roast beef, six bags of chips, ten chocolate chip cookies-"

"We're out of everything but the cookies," she informed him.

He gasped. "Blasphemy! What kind of place _is _this?"

"You _ate _them all."

Chaoji accepted the cookies, muttering under his breath. As he made his way back to the seats, he smiled at the cookies. "Humans are so _pissy_," he told them. "You actually understand me. Oh, I _love _you, my dear cookies."

Then he shoved them all into his mouth at once.

_Failure_.


	37. Chaoji boards an airplane Failure

**Chaoji boards an airplane – **_**Failure**_

Chaoji walked onto the small walkway, which led to the airplane after handing over his tickets.

He found that he was panting after only a few steps. The walkway was slanted upward. It remind Chaoji of all the times in his life he'd had to walk up a hill. It was nearly impossible. (Those who have been on an airplane know this is _hardly _a slope, let alone a _hill_)

His feet gave out beneath him and he toppled over, rolling back down to the beginning, knocking down a few children as he went and squishing a man into a pancake. Chaoji tried to get up again, pulling on a woman's skirt to give himself leverage. When that didn't work, he went for a man's briefcase. He reached out like seaweed, trying to grip onto the passersby for support.

Someone who worked at the airport ended up going over and trying to help him. Unable to, she made a quick call to security, where six muscled security guards were summoned.

Chaoji, after several minutes of suffering, was standing again. He began to board again with the final passengers, gripping onto the wall for support.

Chaoji toppled over once more, rolling back down past the old woman he had talked to earlier. "Go on without me!" he cried dramatically.

"I never intended _not _to," she snapped; ready to slap him with the cane but thinking better of it (at last, someone doesn't let the blubber-bounce-effect take advantage of them!)

As Chaoji rolled down, all by himself, he wished he hadn't eaten the cookies so hastily. He could really use some company right now. A supportive smile of a sugar cookie or the friendly laugh of a chocolate chip cookie was much needed during this rough time in his life (yes, even as an exorcist, this is a life crisis right here).

Somehow or another, after delaying take off, Chaoji made it to the top of the slope. He went to board the plane and found he couldn't fit through the entrance.

_Failure_.


	38. Chaoji rides a plane Failure

**Chaoji rides an airplane – **_**Failure**_

After much hassle, Chaoji was sitting in his seat(s), ready for takeoff. He bounced excitedly in his chair(s), causing the plane to shift a bit, moving slightly down the slope. The flight attendants watched him closely, not knowing how to react.

They walked to the front of the plane, showing the safety precautions.

"There are life jackets under your seats," one of them was saying.

"Where?" Chaoji screamed, attempting (and FAILING) to bend over and see.

"You don't need to see them right now, sir," one of them said politely.

Chaoji frowned. "Oh, so I'm just supposed to take your word for it?"

"Yes."

"I just have to _trust _that you're not lying, and that I'm not going to drown?"

"Like a life jacket will save _you_," one of them muttered.

"So, like I was saying," the other continued on. "We'll be coming around with refreshments later-"

"FOOD!" Chaoji screamed, unbuckling his seatbelt and leaping up, causing the plane to shift…_again_. "FOOD! Yummy, crunchy, chewy, spicy, sweet and salty, rich and creamy, soft and smooth, nutty buttery sugary colorful delicious and deluxe _food, in the highest_!" Chaoji fell to his knees as if he were performing a religious ritual and began holding his arms out to the attendants. "Bestow upon me your many goods…your edible masterpieces: gifts sent from the Heavens themselves!"

They looked like they wanted to put him in a straightjacket, but decided it wouldn't fit and moved on with their lives.

So, everyone was sitting and the plane backed up and did all that stuff that takes forever to do until it finally began speeding down the runway, picking up pace until it was lifted from the ground and the wheels went back up. Chaoji held on anxiously, staring out of the window excitedly.

The plane began to fly upwards, but then, its speed began to drop. Slowly, the plane began sinking back down, and was soon soaring back to the Earth.

Chaoji looked around, stunned. Had this happened before?

"Why is this going back down?" he asked, not noticing that everyone was glaring at him. "Hey, I want a _refund_!"

_Failure_.

**Author's Notes: I wrote this about a week ago, but somehow I feel bad posting it after that accident in the Hudson River. Thank God no one was hurt. **

**Anyway, thanks again for all of your awesome reviews! It's over 300 now! We really appreciate it so much! Half the fun of writing these is hearing what you guys think!**


	39. Chaoji spells his last name Failure

**Chaoji tries to Spell his Last Name – **_**Failure**_

There was a raffle down at the supermarket. Of course, Chaoji blew every cent he had on tickets. A month's worth of free groceries would be excellent, and some of the money would be going to a good charity. "It's a great way to fight the forces of evil – charity," Chaoji explained to an elderly man who was standing behind him in line in front of the store (even though he hadn't asked and Chaoji was only entering to get the free food).

At last, it was his turn to sign up. Chaoji had woken up hours early just to get there, and now he was finally going to be able to enter! A man sitting behind a small table handed him all of his tickets and a pen. Chaoji began to print his name in large, capital letters (unable to write anything else), but there was a problem.

He had already written most of it. "_CHAOJI HA"_. For some reason, he was struggling with the _n_. He kept having the urge to finish it off with an _m_. He closed his eyes, imagining how different his life would have been if he were _CHAOJI HAM_ (mind you, he's still at the front of the line).

"Um, excuse me…" the man at the desk muttered.

Chaoji waved a hand to silence him. "SHH!"

"What are you _doing_?" he demanded.

"I'm imagining I was a Ham."

The line let out a groan, and a few people left.

The old man behind him patted him on the shoulder. "You can be whatever you want to be," he assured him.

"Really?" Chaoji squeaked.

"Sure," he said. "If you get your fat ass out of line before I start beating you with this cane!"

"I'll call the manager," the man threatened as even more customers left.

"Can he turn me into a Ham?"

_Failure_.


	40. The Black Order relocates food Failure

**The Black Order Relocates the Food – **_**Failure**_

"The Fat Ass will be returning in a day or so," Kanda reminded everyone as he took a bite of his usual soba. "We need to get started on our plan."

"He's not due for another whole week," Allen pointed out, laughing.

"As if," Kanda scoffed, his eyes darting around before he leaned forward, whispering so the people sitting at the table were the only ones who could hear, "You think he'll honestly stay the whole time? He'll be back in less than two days, saying either 'the food wasn't good enough' or complaining about how much he 'missed us' and how his heard 'yearned for us'." Kanda shuddered as he envisioned Chaoji in his mind.

"So, what's the plan?" Lenalee asked.

Lavi smirked. "We're relocating all the food in the Order so he can't find it."

Her eyes grew wide with shock and excitement. "What? Are you serious?"

"Jerry already gave us permission," Lavi assured her. "He's in on it, too."

"That's ingenious," Noise said thoughtfully.

"It has to be," Lavi told him. "Nothing seems to be working. This might be our last chance to get back at him."

"I'll never give up trying," Kanda muttered, staring off into the distance with a homicidal glare.

"I'm going to make sure you keep your word," Lenalee sighed, "because I don't know how much longer I can hold out."

"Let's get started!" Lavi suggested, jumping up. "I'm too excited to finish eating! Where should we hide the food?"

"I say we put it in Allen's room," Lenalee said. "He'd _never _go in there."

"But Allen might eat all of it."

"I won't," Allen assured them. "I'm just as determined as you guys with this one."

Everyone leapt up, nearly running into the kitchen.

---

Sure enough, Chaoji was back the next day, skipping through the halls of the Black Order, searching for his dearest brother, Kanda. He had so many stories to share, and he had missed him so much while he was gone.

Humming the Barney theme song under his breath, Chaoji made his way towards the kitchen, deciding to have a small snack (in other words, a feast worthy of ten grown men) before continuing his exhausting search. He hadn't been expecting to find it completely empty, its vacant cupboards hanging open loosely.

Chaoji fell to his knees, looking around in disbelief. His lower lip quivered as he stared at the empty sheleves, and he began to tremble.

"Mr. Muffin?" he called out. No response came. "Senor Taco?" Yet again, silence. "Dr. Dorito?" When the doctor didn't answer, Chaoji knew something was wrong. The last person who'd ever ignore him was Dr. Dorito. There must be something seriously wrong.

Chaoji began to sob, falling onto his back and kicking his legs into the air hysterically, like a turtle that had fallen onto its shell. His tongue lolled out, wiggling about as he screamed. He balled his fists and smashed them at his sides, continuing to scream like a baby, even more high pitched and annoying than Sun in the season finale of _Lost_. He began to roll about, crashing into the walls (and, inevitably, denting them severely).

He continued this until Noise, unable to bear the racket any longer, gave in and brought him down the food.

_Failure_.

**Author's Notes: This was an idea requested by Kayday! I hope it came out all right, and that you liked it! **

**Happy Lunar New Year! It's the year of the Ox (Hatsuharu Sohma will prevail!)**

**Please review and let me know what you think, everyone!**


	41. Chaoji meets the Tooth Fairy Failure

**Chaoji meets the Tooth Fairy – **_**Failure**_

"I want to meet the Tooth Fairy," Chaoji declared randomly as he stuffed his overflowing mouth with yet _another _cookie.

"Good luck with that," Kanda muttered, his hands shaking with anger as he tried to take a bite of his soba. As Chaoji spoke, the masses of food that he had crammed into his mouth were splattering across the table, and if they came anywhere near Kanda, he was going to have no choice but to pounce.

"Where is this _coming from_, Chaoji?" Lavi demanded, disbelief in his tone.

He banged a fist against his chest, his eyes watering with emotion as he responded, "My soul, which calls for the queen of the magical realm with every inch of its being!"

"Queen of the magical realm?" Lenalee repeated skeptically.

Chaoji held out his hand. "Someone give me a tooth."

Kanda rolled his eyes. "I'm surprised your own teeth haven't rotted out with all the sugar you eat."

"Didn't you know, Kanda-Nissan? Sugar coats the teeth, making them strong fortresses of iron."

"Where the _hell _did you hear _that _bull shit?"

Chaoji frowned. "You may be admiral, but your brain span-"

"His what?"

"-Doesn't extend very far, Kanda-Nissan. You may need to consider going back to spool."

"You mean _school_?" Lavi corrected in a slow tone.

Chaoji rolled his eyes. "Whatever it's called!"

" '_Whatever it's called_'," Noise repeated under his breath doubtfully.

"Watch it, Fat Ass," Kanda muttered warningly under his breath.

Chaoji glanced over his shoulder before turning back to Kanda. "I don't see any of those fatsos from the science division. Who are you talking about? You know, 'fat' is a very controversial term." He continued on, not allowing anyone to cut him off. "In fact, recently, in the United States, a bill was passed banning the use of the word in political documents."

Everyone groaned, falling over.

"See how your heads sink under the weight of knowledge?" Chaoji chimed on. "It feels spectacular, doesn't it? Here's some more: the prime minister of Mexico has openly spoken out again the use of the word, saying that it was 'demoralizing', and could 'eventually lead to another war with Australia'."

"Is a single word coming out of his mouth fact, or is he taking every bit of information he's ever learned and jumbling them together?" Lavi muttered to Kanda.

Chaoji, amazed at how much attention everyone was paying him, continued on immediately. "Obesity is a huge problem in Salemslavia-"

"There is absolutely no such place as-"

"-And therefore, all production of Mini Bity Kidy Crunchy Snacky Bars has been officially banned, as signed by president Yttrium Bromine-"

Kanda balled his fist, cracking his knuckles. "You still want that tooth?"

"I didn't know he knew the word 'obesity'," Lavi thought aloud. "I suppose we can't use that anymore."

"Of _course _I know that word!" Chaoji laughed. "It's a physical condition which prevents someone from producing saliva due to long term exposure to radioactive plants."

Lenalee groaned. "Can we get back to talking about the tooth fairy? It didn't hurt my head as much."

Chaoji frowned. "Lenalee, information should not be a burden! It may be overwhelming, but allow the strong tide of data sweep you up and carry you away, deeper into the sea of knowledge."

Kanda leapt to his feet, gripping Mugen. "THAT'S IT-!"

Noise struggled to pull him back into his seat. "Kanda, please-"

"If I knock out a few of Moyashi's teeth and give them to you, will you quit with the bull shit trivia lesson?" he bargained.

Chaoji shook his head violently. "Allen's cursed fangs are not worthy of the mistress of magicness."

"Magicness?"

Chaoji smiled at Lenalee. "_Your _pearly whites might do."

Lenalee looked over her shoulder, jumping to her feet. "I think I heard my brother calling me-" She excused herself, running off.

Chaoji was about to (attempt) to bend down and roll after her, but everyone held up their hands at the same moment, urging him to stay put all at once.

"The tooth fairy only wants _your _teeth from _you_," Miranda spoke up after a moment, fidgeting nervously in her chair. "You should just wait until they naturally fall out. Doing things like tying your teeth to a door will only hurt you in the end."

For no apparent reason, smoke came out of Chaoji's nostrils. Sometimes, that just happens (see episode 90 for details). "WHO ASKED YOU? You…_you_…if _you _think _you're _so damn smart, why don't you tie your own damn teeth to the railing and jump off a flight of stairs!"

Everyone opened their mouths to tell Chaoji to back off, but were too taken aback by the absurdity of what he had said to bother. They sat with their mouths hanging open, dumbfounded.

"Lazy ass!" he remarked, getting up himself. "I'll use my own teeth if you think you're too good for me! Miranda Lotto, your name is going on my list, right next to Allen's!"

"I'M SORRY!"

"I'm sure that's what Satan said when he lost his legs," Chaoji muttered with an evil chuckle, taking off down the hall.

Lavi glanced into Chaoji's cup. "Did someone slip something in here?"

Furious beyond words, Kanda leapt up and stormed off in the opposite direction of Chaoji. Lavi headed off for the library, and Noise and Miranda left the cafeteria, heading as far away from Chaoji as possible. Large, earth-shaking thuds were heard every few minutes, but no one bothered to ask what Chaoji was doing.

A few days later, they found Chaoji tied up in his own threads at a bottom of a staircase. No one bothered to untie him.

"Too bad you killed that Milano friend of yours," Lavi teased as he walked by. "I bet he would have untied you."

"I never killed anyone!" Chaoji objected. "It was an _accident_!"

_Failure_.

**Author's Notes: THANKS SO MUCH FOR OVER 400 REVIEWS!!!! It's just…WOW! Sometimes I feel like your reviews are funnier than the chapter itself, too LOL**

**Story behind this chapter – I got volume 12 of DGM the other day, and while I was reading it, I was like, "Chaoji really **_**forced **_**himself into the plot?" and his annoying laugh and everything…setting on fire…getting stabbed by candles…constantly clawing at Lenalee…I couldn't take rereading Chaoji anymore. Then, at the end, preview to volume 13, the one which is best known for Lavi vs. Allen and Cross and the Earl's arrivals…HAS A PICTURE OF **_**CHAOJI **_**on its promotional page!!! I was so fed up with him (all over again) that I jumped on the computer and wrote this. Bizarre, I know, but it just goes to show how much I despite him. **

**PS. All that bull shit he was blurting out is just that – **_**bull shit**_**. **


	42. Chaoji ice skates Failure

**Chaoji ice skates – **_**Failure**_

"Look, Yu-chan. I know you and Chaoji are practically brothers, but did you really have to invite him?" Lavi teased.

Kanda shot him a dirty look. "There is no way in _hell _that I was the one who invited that Fat Ass. It was _Krory_!"

"Krorykins?" Lavi gasped, spinning around to glare at him. "It was _you_?"

He shook his head. "I could have sworn it was Allen…"

Allen's eyes widened in fright. "I know I must sound rude by saying this, but I'd _never _invite Chaoji to a place like this."

"Allen, even if you swore at someone, I doubt you'd sound rude."

"Lenalee?" Noise asked, turning to the dark-haired exorcist.

She shook her head violently. "I'm wearing _tights_. Why would I want _Chaoji _anywhere _near _me?"

They all turned to look at Miranda, who was already shaking with fear.

"Miranda?" Noise whispered in horror.

She looked down at her feet, her lower lip trembling. "I-it's just that, he said if I didn't he would take me off of his…his _blacklist_."

"You could have given him a cookie and he'd have done the same thing!" Kanda screamed. "What were you _thinking_?"

"I'M SORRY!" she cried frantically.

"It's all right," Allen assured the group, placing a reassuring hand on Miranda's shoulder. "It's only for a few hours, right? We'll find a way to get through it."

"Don't count on it," Kanda grumbled. "I'm not doing this." He stormed to the other side of the room, taking a seat on one of the benches, his arms crossed.

Chaoji wobbled out from the lobby, wearing skis. "I'm ready, guys!"

Lavi looked him up and down, resisting a laugh. "Chaoji, that's not what you wear to go ice skating."

Chaoji groaned loudly, falling backwards onto a bench, crushing it beneath his weight. "I knew it. I _knew _I should have took the snowboard."

Allen and Lenalee exchanged a look. "No, _skates_, Chaoji. Like the ones we're wearing."

Chaoji glanced down at everyone, laughing out loud. "How the hell do you balance on such thin blades?"

"Not all of us know how to skate," Allen assured him. "I, for one, am using these barrels to balance myself until I get the hang of it. So is Miranda. Why don't you join us?"

Chaoji nodded. "For a someone with such a wicked, hostile spirit, your idea isn't so bad, devil's spawn." Chaoji (slowly) made his way over to the barrels. He took one of them, set it down on the ice, and sat on it, using his skis to push himself forward across the ice. "Look, guys! I'm _skating_!"

Kanda got up and left.

_Failure_.


	43. Chaoji looks in a mirror Failure

**Chaoji looks in a mirror – **_**Failure**_

The next morning, Chaoji's hair looked like a bizarre crossbreed between a pineapple and a lightning struck seagull, as usual. Most of the time he fixed his horrendous catastrophe by pulling it all back into a (FUGLY) ponytail, but today, he felt like being adventurous.

"Today is a day to try many new things," he declared randomly as he rolled out of his bed (prepare yourselves). "I'll start with brushing my hair."

He was about to go in search of his hairbrush when he remembered he _had none_. So, instead he would wash his hair. Oh, right. No shampoo. Plus, he had a fear of bathtubs.

With a sigh, he glanced over at his mirror, which he hadn't used since he arrived at the Order. This was because it took so long, and so much energy, to get all the way across the room over to it. His food stash was on the opposite side of the room, so he was cut off from all supplies as he made his way across. It was like trekking across the desert.

Chaoji flipped his pillow upside-down, taking off the pillowcase. Opening his cabinets, drawers, closet, lifting the floorboards, and opening every other one of his hiding places, he began to stuff mounds of food into his pillowcase, using it as a rucksack or, in his opinion, a lifeline. By the time he was done, the bag almost weight as much as him.

"Wow," he muttered, letting out a huff of exhaustion after his first (half) step. "It's a good thing I have that super awesome bracelet that gives me super powers, or who knows if I would be able to carry this. Thank God for bracelets!"

A week later, Chaoji made it halfway there, but found he was out of food and had to go back to restock.

Two weeks after this, he finally reached the mirror. He passed out from exhaustion in front of it, too tired to look at his hair.

A day later, he woke up. Looking for a source of energy, he reached into his bag and crammed three Snickers bars down his throat. He took in a deep breath and pulled himself to his feet.

Three hours later, he was finally facing the mirror. He looked into the glass, and as his face reflected back at him, the mirror shattered into a million pieces.

_Failure_.

**Author's notes: So yeah, mirrors break when he looks in them. It's not my fault I took so long to write this chapter - it's Chaoji's fault for taking so long to cross the room (is shot) Ok, sorry...I've been busy...**

**This was a real random chapter LOL I hope you enjoyed it anyway and that you'll review! **


	44. Chaoji attends a party Failure

**Chaoji attends a party – **_**Failure**_

The exorcists decided to throw a birthday party for General Sokaro despite the fact that they knew he wouldn't bother showing up to his own party. They'd use any excuse to hang decorations and eat tons of cake.

Word sped around the Order and, as usual, Chaoji showed up for an event he wasn't invited to.

"Birthday boy doesn't show up, but Blubber boy does," Kanda growled as Chaoji wobbled into the room.

Lenalee sighed. "We're going to have to make the best of it."

"I'm sure Jerry's made the best of cake, which is the problem," Lavi sighed.

Chaoji, who was exhausted from walking down the hall to the party, immediately took a seat. Due to the large span on his rear-end, as he sat he popped every single one of the balloons Allen had just blown up.

"Chaoji!" Allen cried.

"Don't speak to me, you vile wasp!" Chaoji cried, throwing a party hat at Allen and missing by a long shot. The hat fell neatly on Timcampy's head.

"Chaoji, please don't throw things," Lenalee pleaded as she began passing out streamers.

Chaoji winked at her. "As you wish."

Lenalee cringed, vanishing off to the punch bowl and not returning.

"All right!" Komui cried, clapping his hands together. "Let's start off this party with a game of the minister's cat!" Everyone gathered around in a circle, standing shoulder to shoulder. Chaoji took up one side of the entire circle, making it almost too large for the room. A few people had to double up to fit.

"The minister's cat is an _awesome_ cat!" Lavi began. Everyone clapped with the beat of the game.

"The minister's cat is an _amazing_ cat!" Lenalee continued.

Noise clapped along. "The minister's cat is an _awful _cat!"

Link, who had been forced into the game and was not clapping, sighed, saying, "The minister's cat is an _ambidextrous _cat."

Everyone took a moment to stare at him in awe, both because he had participated and _how _he had contributed, before continuing.

"The minister's cat is _Allen's _cat!" Johnny sang out.

It was Chaoji's turn not. "The minister's cat is red!"

Everyone stared at him in awe. Sure, they had expected him to mess up, but not like that.

"Chaoji," Lenalee began, "you _do _realize the rules, don't you?"

"Sure!" he cried boastfully. "This game is a piece of cake!"

"But you said that-"

Chaoji crossed his arms. "You're just trying to say this to trick me into losing my momentum! It won't work!"

Lavi smirked. "How can you lose your momentum if you already had your turn?"

Chaoji's eyes grew wide. "You're siding with her? Lavi, I thought we were best friends."

Lavi was too dumbfounded to say anything.

"You're out, Chaoji," Lenalee tried to say as kindly as possible, shrugging.

Chaoji wandered away sadly, dragging his feet as Allen said, "The minister's cat is a _blind _cat!"

As he left the game, Chaoji noticed the large bunny piñata hanging from the ceiling. It began to speak to him (as usual)

"Chaoji," it called out. "Oh, Chaoji, we're all trapped in here. It's like being a prisoner. Free us Chaoji!"

"Yeah Chaoji!" a high voice came. "Save us from this isolation and confinement!"

"I'm coming, my dears!" he shrieked, charging forward. Everyone in the circle turned and watched in disgust. It was far too late to stop him – he was already tackling the piñata to the ground, shrieking, "MY BABIES!" The piñata crushed under his weight, as did the screaming candy, whose voices vanished as they crumbled underneath his weight.

"You killed them," Lavi stated in as serious of a voice he could manage, resisting a laugh. "You murdered such innocent-"

Chaoji threw his head back, cutting Lavi off with a wail of misery. His tongue lolled out, wiggling in the air, and he screamed without allowing his voice to waver, the note carrying on forever. Jerry was ushered off to the kitchen and returned with a cake, which he promptly dropped down Chaoji's widely opened mouth, making sure not to touch him as he did so.

"See?" he said. "There's your cake. Happy?" Jerry seemed unhappy about giving his delacies to someone like Chaoji.

Chaoji tackled down Jerry next, taking the entire cake like an animal tearing apart their dinner. Everyone dashed forward to pry the gigantic beast off of Jerry.

"Call the Matron!" Komui cried. "We need to get him to the infirmary immediately!"

"Is he breathing?" Lenalee cried.

"Oh my God, Jerry, can you hear me?"

"Jerry?"

"Are his bones broken?"

"Check for a pulse!"

"Is he breathing? Jerry? Jerry?"

"Hello? Matron, it's Jerry. He's been crushed. By what? What do you _think_?"

While all this went on, Chaoji enjoyed his cake from where he sat in the corner on top of his pile of deflated balloons.

_Failure_.

**Author's notes: This chapter is dedicated to my good friend who is celebrating her thirteenth birthday this week! I double checked the fan book and Sokaro was the only character with a birthday in March (from what I saw), so this is why it was his party, even though he didn't bother showing up LOL I hope you enjoyed it and that you'll drop a review!**


	45. Chaoji steals candy from a baby Failure

**Chaoji Steals Candy From a Baby - _Failure_**

Since Chaoji had practically killed Jerry, food had been minimal at the Order. Jerry's cooks were still doing their best, but Jerry's special touch was lacking from the taste. Distraught, Chaoji made a declaration:

"I hereby _boycott _the cafeteria until Jerry returns!" he shouted randomly, barging into Komui's office.

Komui blinked, glancing up from his paperwork. "What was that?"

Chaoji pounded his fists on Komui's desk. "We cannot live under these conditions! We cannot act as if this is all right! We must stand up…" Chaoji attempted to straighten his posture, but his enormous gut smashed into Komui's desk, knocking the coffee onto his white lab coat, and ultimately burning him. Chaoji spoke over Komui's screams, saying, "WE MUST DEFEND OUR RIGHTS TO GOOD FOOD! WITHOUT GOOD FOOD, THERE IS NO JUSTICE! It's a right we're BORN with…. Komui, stop that screaming! I can't hear myself think!"

Rather than retorting with, "When _do _you think?" Komui said, "Don't you remember tackling Jerry? It's your fault that-"

Chaoji wasn't listening, though. "I am off to find the golden Pop Tart!" he declared. "I am off to find the silver Sweet Tarts! I am off to find _harmonic edibles_! I will report back to HQ with my findings!"

And with that, Chaoji left, bringing his poetic imagery with him.

The town was busy, and the streets were overwhelmed with people shopping. Once Chaoji entered the downtown, though, the crowd seemed to thin out, flocking into nearby stores. Managers and storeowners locked their doors and pulled down the shades. A single child, eating cotton candy, stood in the street. At the sight of Chaoji, he ran for his life, darting into a bush.

For a moment, Chaoji considered chasing him to steal his cotton candy, but he didn't have the energy, and the candy shop has distracted him. It, too, was closed, with a Sold Out sign on the door.

"Hm," Chaoji thought aloud, "I usually only see that sign on my way out…after I've bought everything." He smiled to himself. What a martyr he was, always spending his money on all that candy. Without him, the shopkeeper would go broke! He was sure that the shopkeeper's groaning at his sight was a sigh of relief.

A mother walked into the streets, pushing her baby in a stroller. She stopped by one of her friends, who was peeking their head out of their window, and began to talk. She held onto the baby carriage, but with one hand – the baby was facing the street, munching happily on the large lollipop his mother had given him as a treat. Overcome by his hunger, Chaoji 'charged'.

Chaoji hovered above the baby, drooling like the monster he was. Petrified, the woman slammed her window shut and the mother actually fainted.

"Fork up the lolli, shorty."

The baby stared at him, and then shook his head silently.

There was a murderous glint in Chaoji's eyes. "I'm giving you one more chance."

The child stuck out his tongue, then slowly licked the lollipop, accentuating the movements to taunt Chaoji.

Chaoji revelaed his enormous piehole, then sunk his face down to the lollipop. The baby moved it at the last minute, stabbing the stick into Chaoji's eyes.

He wobbled back in defeat, falling into an open pot hole in the street, plummeting into the sewer.

When he returned to the Order, he made an apology to the chefs and began eating his after-after-second lunch snack.

_Failure_.


	46. Chaoji tries to brush his teeth Failure

**Chaoji brushes his teeth – **_**Failure**_

Chaoji had spent nearly a month getting to his mirror (and month thoroughly enjoyed by his fellow exorcists and Black Order members), but didn't realize how much time had passed. Still feeling ambitious, he decided to brush his teeth.

Chaoji lifted his toothbrush curiously, eyeing it as if it were a foreign article.

"How do I use this thing?" he asked aloud.

Lavi, who had just entered the bathroom, cringed. This was not something he wanted to help out with. Chaoji spotted him, though, and cried out, "HA HA HA! LAVI-SAN!"

Lavi cringed. "Um, hi, Chaoji."

"So, how do you use this thing?" Chaoji held up the toothbrush, turning it around as if trying to figure out with angle to use it at.

"You use the _brush _part on your _teeth_, hence the name _toothbrush_." Lavi had known Chaoji had no hygiene, but this was a new low.

Chaoji placed the brush against his teeth and pushed with all his might. Lavi, enjoying his stupidity, waited a moment before saying, "You're supposed to _brush_, Chaoji."

"Oh."

"With _toothpaste_."

Chaoji took the tube. As he examined it, he realized how similar it looked to a tube of frosting he had once seen. He lifted the tube up, holding his mouth open and tilting his head back.

Lavi watched in terror as Chaoji squeezed all of the toothpaste into his mouth. He kept squeezing until it began to ooze out the sides of his lips.

Then he made a choking sound. He dropped the tube, leaning over the sink, coughing. Next to none of the toothpaste was coming out – it was all crammed and stuck in his mouth.

Lavi brushed his teeth, then left.

_Failure_.


	47. Chaoji tries to insult Allen Failure

Chaoji tries to insult Allen – _FAILURE _(take that, bitch!)

Chaoji found something remarkable the other day while stalking Lavi. As usual, the bookman was seated in the library, working on his notes. Chaoji watched him from afar, monitoring his 'friend's' every movement.

"Lavi doesn't talk much about his day to me," Chaoji explained to his Reese's cup, "so I've decided to find out for myself so that I can strike up better conversation with him!" Chaoji would have taken notes on what Lavi did, but spelling wasn't his strong suit. He had never understood why people felt like carrying out stupid rules like E before I except after Y…or however the rhyme goes.

Then a book fell on his head. Like other things, it bounced off of him, soaring to the ground at his feet.

It only took him an hour and a half to reach down and pick it up. He was making progress!

The strange object that Chaoji had heard referred to as a 'book' read _thesaurus _on its front. Deciding not to bother pronouncing the word, Chaoji began flipping through it. Thankfully, he was literate enough to realize what the book's purpose was.

"It's a bunch of words that mean the same thing!" he concluded (after a time period unknown). "Why would someone need that?" Chaoji stretched his mind to think of someone who would use such a useless book (he didn't think much, so this was like running a mile with his brain). He had trouble enough trying to figure out why someone would sit around reading when they could sit down with a bag of chips and watch Barney the Dinosaur.

The only person disturbed enough to read such a useless book was the vile, demonic Allen Walker.

The words _vile _and _demonic _echoed in his head, and Chaoji looked them up in the thesaurus:

Vile – bad, rotten, nefarious, detestable, wretched

Demonic – satanic, diabolical, fiendish

Chaoji tore the dedication section out of a nearby novel and used it as scrap paper to jot down the words. He rushed out of the library as best as he could, searching for Allen.

He stumbled upon Miranda.

"Where's Allen?" he demanded.

Seeing as Chaoji had never looked for Allen before, she was taken off guard.

"SPEAK!" he cried.

Miranda nearly fell over. "I-in the cafeteria!" she stuttered.

_The cafeteria_, Chaoji thought, _this is like killing one bird with two stones…er, reverse that…and was it a bird, or…?_

Before he could get too distracted, Chaoji made his way to the cafeteria.

Eventually he made it there, where Allen was eating with Lenalee.

"You know, I haven't seen Chaoji in a few months," Lenalee commented. "Lavi told me he's been watching him in the library, but the last week, he just kind of vanished…"

"He's probably walking somewhere," Allen said, no hint of sarcasm in his voice.

Chaoji made his way over to them, not hearing that he was the subject of their conversation. "HELLO, ALLEN WALKER."

Allen jumped at the sound of his voice. "Chaoji…hi. We were just talking about you." He forced the words out, trying to sound as polite as he could.

Chaoji laughed. "HA! Plotting against me, are you? It's a conspiracy, _isn't it_?"

Lenalee and Allen exchanged a silent glance, figuring that wasn't worth actually responding to.

Chaoji reached into his pocket, pulling out the list of words. Along with it came a gum ball he had been saving for later (after his long walk to the cafeteria). It fell onto the ground, and rolled off.

Chaoji was faced with the most difficult decision of his life. To insult Allen, or save the food before the 'five minute rule' was up.

You guess which one he went with.

SUPER FAILURE OF ALL TIME CHAOJI YOU SUCK

**Author's Notes: Yeah, so it's been forever since I've updated. You all know how fourth quarter can be. And Chem. My teacher probably makes her own drugs, because she's worse than anything I've met before. I'm sure she shares with Chaoji, too. **

**Anyway, sorry for the delay, I hope you all will enjoy this chapter and I will try my best to update more often! Please drop and review and let me know what you think of Chaoji's increasing stupidity! Thanks for over 500 reviews you have NO IDEA how happy that makes me! I love all of your feedback. **

**...Um, synonyms curtousy of Merriam-Webster's Dictionry AND Thesaurus. **


	48. Chaoji makes a decision Failure

**Chaoji makes a decision – **_**Failure**_

"Chaoji, the truth of the matter is that we can't afford to feed you any more."

Chaoji could barely hear Komui over the crunch of his large cookie. "Wa-waz-dat?" he asked through a mouthful.

Komui reached out and snatched the cookie away from him. Before Chaoji could attack, he quickly said, "You have to chose, Chaoji: your job, or the cookie."

Behind Komui's desk, Allen, Lavi, and Kanda huddled together, listening intently. They had finally found a safe and sure way to get rid of Chaoji for good. Allen felt slightly guilty, but after how Chaoji had treated everyone, he knew it was the right thing to do.

Chaoji paused in his pounce to stop and look at his good friend, the cookie. It's small, chocolate chip eyes looked at him, begging for mercy. His eyes began to water as he watched his friend, being gripped so tightly by the _enemy_, one who cannot hear or understand the song of the Cookie Man…

"Friendship comes before personal indulgence," Chaoji said through a broken voice. Lavi and Allen exchanged a look of horror. How could he sacrifice _food _for the Order? "So that is why I'm leaving the Order today."

Komui was about to begin listing the reasons why Chaoji should leave before stopping himself, his mouth hanging open for a moment. "Wait…food is your friend and work is an indulgence?"

"We must part ways!" he cried melodramatically, snatching the cookie back. "But I swear to you, I will return again! I WILL RETURN!" Chaoji turned to make his dramatic entrance, but he was too large to rush out of the door. As he squeezed his way through, he echoed himself, crying, "I will return! I will return! I will…I'm stuck."

Allen, Lavi, and Kanda sacrificed their position to pry him out of the room (and lock the door) Chaoji wandered out into the town. "I'll go back there soon, don't you worry," he told the Cookie Man. "I'm going to get a job, and then I'll head back to the Order! I'll pay for my _own _food!"

Chaoji walked towards the supermarket, but at the sight of him, they locked the shop.

"Everything's always shutting early lately," Chaoji noticed, frowning. "Ah, look, it's McDonald's! They'll take _anyone_!"

And so, Chaoji rushed off to the store, devouring the 'friend' he had sacrificed so much for as he did.

_Failure_.

**Author's notes: So, Chaoji's going to be ambitious…**

**Sorry I've been brain-dead and haven't written anything recently. To keep yourself amused, you should look up my Chaoji HATE AMV on youtube! I've made a few, but I've only put up one…to the song White and Nerdy by Weird Al. So that can amuse everyone since I'm taking forever to write…. The AMV is really sucky; I made it last year when I first made the fan fiction. Like, the same day. But watching an AMV reminds us all how much we hate him, and why, even though we've had hiatuses and the anime ending LOL**

**Wow, the Author's comments was practically longer than the actual chapter *dies* Thanks for reading! Drop me a review and let me know what you think!**


	49. Chaoji works at McDonald's Failure

**Chaoji works at McDonald's – **_**Failure**_

Chaoji stood behind the counter at McDonald's, waiting for a customer to come and order something. He was bouncing on the heels of his feet excitedly, causing the room to shake. A light from the ceiling fell down, narrowly missing a little girl.

"This place is as shitty as the Order," he remarked to himself.

The apron that all the workers were made to wear was dangling around his neck, too small to tie around his waist. He was supposed to wear a hat as well, but his pineapple/porcupine haircut made it impossible. He felt at home, though, surrounded by food.

"Food understands me," he explained to the woman working beside him, who was trembling in fear as he spoke to the fries. "Sometimes, I don't even have to speak. We share the same thoughts."

He watched her expectantly until she stuttered, "A-And what's t-that?"

He stared off into the distance, gripping his chest as he spoke from his heart (you know, that detiorating organ that fights to move blood through his clotted arteries). "That I must eat them, each one of them, until not a single piece of their shattered bodies remains."

The woman excused herself and ran for her life.

At last, a customer walked in. Chaoji perked up, waving for the teenager to come over.

"WELCOME!" he cried out, leaning his flabby body over the counter to wave to her, flapping both of his arms in the air. "I'M CHAOJI! I LIKE FOOD, I PREFER DOGS TO CATS, AND ON WARM OCTOBER NIGHTS, I LIKE TO SIT UNDER THE STARS AND EAT HAMBURGERS WITH HONEY MUSTAR-"

She was gone.

"Funny," he murmured, mostly to himself. Glancing down at the counter, he rolled his eyes. "Look, even the _counter _has a huge dent in it. How did _that _get there?"

All the customers hurried out of the fast food restaurant, warning the people who were about to enter. Even the employees hid. He was alone with the food.

Glancing back and forth to make sure he was by himself, Chaoji made his way over to the ice cream machine. He stood beside it, beaming.

"This may feel lonely at first, but I'm sure the two of us will get along fine," he assured the machine. Unable to control himself, Chaoji bent down, placing his head under the machine before turning it on, practically drinking the ice cream as it came out.

Suddenly, the ice cream stopped coming out. Frustrated, Chaoji knocked over the machine, kicking it to the side. "What betrayal! And after I opened my heart to you…"

He was distracted by a display case with toys inside of it. His eyes watered a bit as he imagined himself playing with those plastic racecars with Lavi and Kanda. "I'll bring some back for them," he decided, walking over to the case. He attempted to remove the clear screen, and when it didn't move, he began to kick the case.

That's when the manager walked in, all the employees hovering behind him, trembling in fear.

"Who are you?" he demanded.

"I _work _here," Chaoji responded, rolling his eyes.

"I didn't hire you!"

Chaoji threw up his arms, exasperated. "I come in here, put on an apron, and work, and this is the thanks I get?" He blinked back tears, tearing off the apron. "That's it! I'm returning to the Order!"

"You're returning your order?" the man cried. "You're not allowed to-"

Chaoji stomped out of the room.

But not entire out of the restaurant.

In the doorway, there was a bench. Seated on it was a life-size Ronald McDonald (this guy scares the living shit out of me, BTW), grinning over at Chaoji. Wiping a tear off his cheek, Chaoji took a seat next to the plastic clown.

"Do you understand me?" he asked, blinking pitifully at the plastic.

Ronald smiled at Chaoji (or so he thought), a soft twinkle in his eye (also known as chipped paint).

Chaoji let out a sigh, settling himself. "All these years, I've hunted for a place where I truly belong. At the Order, there's Allen. Here, there's that broken ice cream machine. Back at home, there's Mom. She still hasn't forgiven me for eating my pet goldfish. It was an honest mistake, right? Everyone does it once in their life…" He looked at Ronald expectantly. The clown smiled in agreement. He must have eaten a fish or two as well.

And so, Chaoji sat there, talking to his new friend until he had enough energy to move again.

_Failure_.


	50. The Noah kill Chaoji Failure

**The Noah Kill Chaoji – **_**Failure**_

All the Noah sat around the table, ready to eat dinner. Debitto and Jasdero were whispering back and forth to each other, seeming serious about something. Road was taken off guard by how intently they were talking (rather than their usual loud joking around) and stared at them quizzically before asking, "What are you two whispering about?"

Rather than shooting back their usual '_It's none of your business!' _response, they exchanged a look before turning back to her, answering, "We're plotting a way to kill that really fat, obnoxious exorcist!"

"Oh, Chaoji," Road and Tyki said in unison with a nod.

"We've been mulling over it for _days_," Debitto whined, "but no matter how ingenious our plan may seem…"

"His blubber defense system always _kills_ it!" Jasdero cried.

"There's no way to win!"

"I've thought it over before, too," Tyki admitted. "Then, I gave up."

"We've all tried before, haven't we?" Road thought aloud. "All of us except for Lulubell!"

"We've already thought of that," Debitto told her. "We've considered her posing as an ice cream man to lure Chaoji away."

"Then we realized how dangerous that was," Jasdero continued.

Road considered it before nodding. "Yeah, he'd probably trample her looking for the ice cream…"

"What can we do?" Jasdero asked sadly, leaning his chin on the table.

"We can always let it be," Tyki suggested. "It's not like he's anything to worry about. In battle, he's next to useless!"

"What do you mean 'next to'? He's _more _than useless!" Road argued.

"What I'm trying to say is that he's not worth our time, especially with the other exorcists to worry about."

"I know that," Debitto admitted. "But he's just…just…" He stared off into the distance, his eyebrows narrowing, and his teeth clenching, "SO DAMN _ANNOYING_!"

"Understatement!" Jasdero cried. "Hee hee!"

"What are you all talking about so energetically?" Everyone glanced up to see the Earl wandering in, his usual smile planted across his face.

"Of course!" Debitto cried, standing up excitedly. "Why didn't I think of this before?"

"Earl!" Road called, dashing up to him. "We have a favor to ask of you!"

"What is it?"

Road smiled over at the other Noah before turning back to the Earl. "Could you pretty, pretty _please_ kill the exorcist Chaoji for us?"

"Who?"

"Of course you wouldn't have heard of him," Tyki said with a laugh. "He doesn't do anything but mope around."

"And threaten us with butter knives," Road added.

"And crack floors underneath his weight."

"And eat."

"Why does this exorcist in particular bother you?" the Earl wondered.

The Noah exchanged a look before saying, all at once, "You'll understand once you _see _him…"

The Earl was still unsure, but it sounded interesting enough. If all of the Noah knew about this exorcist and cared so much about him, he was sure to be…_interesting_.

**Author's notes: Of course, his only use is to be bashed relentlessly. **

**Sorry this took forever to come out. My internet has been DEAD. For no reason. I guess it just doesn't like me, which is kind of sad because I was going to release the fiftieth chapter on this story's one-year anniversary. Oh, well.**

**I've been writing and you've been reading for an entire year! I really can't believe it! Thanks for sticking with it for a year and fifty chapters worth of hyper crack, and for the 600 reviews! **


	51. The Earl Kills Chaoji Failure

The Earl Kills Chaoji - _Failure_

The Earl floated over England, gripping onto his unbrella as he scanned the area, searching for the exorcist that the Noah had described to him.

"How will I recognize him?" he had asked them the day before.

Road leaned her chin into her hands, concentrating before she said, "Think about...a hot air balloon. A big, hot air balloon shaped like a pinapple," she added, thinking of his atrocious hair.

"Just think of a spiky beach ball," Tyki suggested.

"Or just a fat guy," Debitto said in an attempt to simplify it. "Bigger than you, Earl. He's trying to claim your place as the most obesce man of the year!"

"Impossible!" the Earl had cried. _No one _could take his title! Convinced, he grabbed hold of an objecting Lero and sailed off into the sky on a hunt for Chaoji.

---

In the meantime, Chaoji was trying to shop for food. His problem (well, _one _of them) was that he had no money, though. Since he had left the Order, he hadn't been able to find another steady job.

"Tough times we're going through," he commented to a man who was sitting on the street in rags, clutching onto a can. Inside, there were a few dollar bills and coins. Chaoji glanced down at it, beaming. "Why, aren't you a kind man, offering everything you have to whoever needs it! Thank you!" Chaoji snatched the can away, honestly believing that the man had been offering it to him, and entered the nearest grocery store.

He took a shopping cart, but it did him little good - in just four minutes, he had filled it completely.

"Super markets are inconvient," he muttered, shoving his way down the aisles. "I can barely fit through here, and the carts aren't _nearly _large enough."

Oblivious to everything around him (as usual), Chaoji was unaware that the Earl was sneaking through each aisle, eyeing him from afar.

"This must be him," he muttered to himself. As Chaoji's large ass knocked over a stand of magazines, he nodded, now positive. "Yep, that's the one."

"This isn't a good idea, Lero!" the pumpkin cried out. "If the Noah didn't stand a chance-"

"But I'm the Earl," he pointed out. "I am the fattest man alive and today, I will prove it to the world."

He began to move forward again as Chaoji stepped up to the check outline, dumping out all of his items onto the counter. Once his cart was empty, he reached into his pockets, where he had stored the rest of the food.

"Summer is almost over," he explained to the confused lady at the counter. "I need to stock up for the cold winter to come."

Rather than pointing out that it was still August, the woman said, "You're not a squirrel."

"But if I wanted to be, I could," he argued with wide, serious eyes. "You can be whatever you want to be."

She nodded slowly and began checking out the food, figuring it was best to get it over with. Starving, Chaoji began eating the food as she bagged it.

"Your total is $1,789," she read, seeming completely stunned as she read the numbers. Chaoji handed her the money she had stolen from the man on the street. She frowned. "This is hardly enough to buy that bag of chips you just ate...or one of them, at least." She eyed the pile of trash with disgust.

Chaoji's eyes fell onto the tip jar. He reached in and held up the money. "What if I added this to my total?"

"I'm going to have to get the manager, sir."

Chaoji let out a sigh as the woman turned her back to make the phone call. Why was it that everytime he went to the store, the manager wanted to see him? Being insanely popular could be tiring sometimes. Oh well. While she made the phone call, he might as well help himself to the free samples of chocolate that were behind him next to the magazines (in other words, he's stealing again without realizing it)

Seeing his chance, the Earl leapt out from behind a cooler, revealing himself. "Why, hello, exorcist! Any last words?"

Chaoji turned, his mouth already full of Snickers and Milky Way bars. "Huh?"

The Earl took out his weapon, and all the shoppers fell back in horror. The cashier gave up, slamming down the phone and rushing off with the customers.

Chaoji eyed the Earl. "You're the devil!"

"And you're the Fat Ass!"

Chaoji saw this was his chance to activate his super duper braclet of ultimate DOOM (yeah right), but his fear held him back. He was so used to complaining that everyone else wasn't doing enough to actually do anything himself.

_What would Anita-sama, Mahoja-sama, and EVERYONNNE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! do in this situation? _he thought to himself, _as an exorcist and an able seaman _(actual VIZ dialouge) _what should I do_?

Seeing there was no other choice, he began screaming his lungs out and tossing M&Ms at the Earl. It wasn't that this attack was actually working, but the Earl was so taken off guard by this idiocy of it that he didn't fight back. The horrified crowds stopped cowering and fear, and some even broke out into giggles as they passed by, resuming their shopping.

"YOU !" Chaoji cried, running backwards out of the store. "DEVIL! CREEP! FRIEND OF ALLEN'S! MOTHER-MURDERING-MONKEY-FACE!"

The manager had arrived, and was whispering to his employee, "Afterwards, I want the security tapes of this."

Chaoj dashed out of the store, feeling slightly relieved. Now that he had faced the Earl and won, he had a reason to return to the Order (other than his true objective: free food).

The Earl continued to stare in disbelief at where Chaoji had exited. What had just happened...?

He blinked his eyes before turning to the cashier. "Well...while I'm here, I might as well purchase this food that he left behind..."

_Failure_.

**Author's notes: Sorry it took so long again!**

**I'm going on vacation for a week...so I won't be on the computer much, which means it'll be a while before I update...Sorry!!!**

**Please drop a review and let me know what you think, though! I love hearing your feedback!**


	52. Chaoji Returns to the Order FAILURE

**Chaoji Returns to the Order – **_**FAILURE**_

"I have never been this happy in my life."

The entire table looked up in horror, wondering if they had actually heard those words come from _Kanda's _mouth. Had Kanda honestly just said _happy_? He snapped his chopsticks perfectly, a smirk forming at his lips.

"I don't know if I should laugh, or be scared," Lavi commented, although he was already laughing.

"It _has _been a relief, though," Noise agreed. "Do you realize that since he's left, I haven't had a single headache?"

"Yeah, now that the elephant's footsteps are gone, you have nothing to worry about!" Lavi snickered. "My shoulders haven't been aching as much, either, now that that Fat Ass isn't draping his freaking arms all over me anymore!" Imitating Chaoji's high, obnoxious voice, Lavi cried, "_Best friend Lavi! Brother Kanda!_"

"You can't forget _Devil's Spawn Allen_," Noise reminded him, shaking his head in disbelief.

"It's been nice being able to eat without someone picking at my plate," Allen admitted.

Lenalee smiled thoughtfully, glancing off in the distance. "I've felt a little safer walking alone in the halls now that he's gone."

"And it's finally _quiet _for a change," Kanda added. Appreciating the newly come silence, the group stopped talking for a moment and listening to the gentle hum of distant conversations and chirping of birds outside the cafeteria windows. A relaxed feeling settled over the group, and everyone fell into a trance.

Everyone except Noise, that was. At first, he had been serene, but then his eyebrows began to furrow and a crease formed in his forehead. He pressed a hand against his ears, cringing a bit…

"It really _is _nice," Miranda noted in a soft voice.

"JERRY!!! WHERE'S THAT USELESS COOK WHEN I NEED HIM? I WANT FOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD!!!!!!!!!!!!! WITH LOTS OF MAYONAISE AND MUSTARD AND SALT AND CHOCOLATE!!!"

Kanda's chopsticks snapped in his grip. Lenalee's eyes flew open in horror. Noise leaned over, clutching his ears. Lavi let out a moan. Allen frowned, "I don't think that combination will taste too good…"

Somehow, Chaoji had heard him. "What do _you _know about _food_, Allen? You probably cook in a large caldron with your fellow demonic _evildoers_!"

Kanda stood up and left, kicking over his chair as he went.

"Brother Kanda!" Chaoji sang out, even though the door was already closed. "How I have missed thee and longed for your encouraging words and the sounds of your gentle laughter and warm embrace-"

"-Who the hell are _you _talking about-"

"-He's talking to a _door_-"

Chaoji continued to stand at the door, screaming out stupid shit. "HOW I LOVE THEE! THEE, OF WHOM I LOVETH! MY KIN!!!"

"That's a _door_, Chaoji!" Lenalee shrieked, unable to watch anymore.

Chaoji turned around to face all the solemn, downcast looks of disappointment that were on his _friends' _faces. A smile spread across his huge ass face.

"I think you guys need a _hug_," he decided.

And they tried to run, but no one could run faster than the Fat Ass could roll.

_Failure_.


	53. Chaoji Steals Link's Pie Failure

**Chaoji Steals Link's Pies– **_**Failure**_

One day, Chaoji took out his crayons and began making a list of people that he liked for no apparent reason. When you were fucking insane, you didn't need reasons for doing things.

"I like Mr. Cookie," be began. "Dr. Doritos, of course. I like Brother Kanda, and Lenalee…and…and…"

Chaoji caught a sniff of the scent of freshly baked pie drifting in the air and his hand seemed to move on its own, adding _baked goods _to the list.

"I like pie," Chaoji blurted out randomly, "because the cake is a lie. I still like cake anyway, though. I wish _everyday _were my birthday. When is my birthday, again?"

He took a moment, trying to remember the date, but then decided, "_Today _can be my birthday!"

Chaoji got to his feet and 'charged' down the hall, searching for the pie with his super sugar-detecting skills. Unfortunately, he was led to the 'Devil Spawn's' door.

Chaoji frowned. "Why does _Allen _get pie? He deserves _cake_! Or even worse, _fruitcake_!" Images of the vile substance filled the Fat Ass's mind. What kind of idiot decided it was smart to taint a perfect cake with something as despicable as _fruit_?

Chaoji had to get that pie. He just _had _to. It was time for him to use his super bracelet of ultimate jewelry doom for the first time in this fan fiction!!!! He lifted his arm, the light catching onto his bracelet to send a dramatic glint in his eye. "This time, Allen Walker doesn't stand a _chance_!"

Using the bracelet of ultimate jewelry d00m, Chaoji smashed through the door. His enormous shadow cast over Allen's room, eliminating all light.

"Is it an eclipse?" Allen wondered aloud, squinting in the dark.

Link shook his head. "It appears that the exorcist Chaoji Han has come to pay us a visit."

"THAT IS RIGHT!" Chaoji bellowed, pounding a fist against his chest as if he were an ape. "BOW BEFORE ME AND FORK UP THE PIE! Get it? Fork up the pie? Get it? Get it?"

"See?" Allen whispered to the Inspector, glancing uneasily at Chaoji's massive figure. "Isn't he just like I told you?"

Chaoji couldn't let Link listen to Allen. This was a serious battle – a showdown of sorts. Good vs. Evil. Exorcist vs. Devil. Sugar vs. Splenda. It wasn't like there was a life at stake – no, this was much more important, much more vital. This was a battle to see who earned the rights to the pie. "Why does _Allen _get your pie? _Allen _doesn't appreciate the pie! _Allen _doesn't appreciate food at all!" Link seemed baffled by the Fat Ass's statement, and Allen began frowning, becoming impatient with Chaoji, who continued to ramble on. "He doesn't understand the _form _of the pie. The sugary sweetness. The crisp, burnt edges. The cinnamon scent that lingers in the air, playfully caressing my taste buds as I envisions the taste of the pie against my tongue, smoothly crushing through my teeth-" Lost in his daydream, Chaoji sucked in a deep breath of the scented air, letting out a long, content sigh before finishing. "Besides, Allen's the very devil we're fighting! You of all people should know that!"

Allen, who was beyond tired of Chaoji's accusations at this point, opened his mouth to retort. Link beat him to it, though, standing in front of the pie, which Chaoji was staring at longingly. "Your assumptions are not only highly incorrect, but you have seemed to overlook a few things," Link began with a frown, glancing at the fragments of the door reproachfully. "It is unheard of for an exorcist to vandalize the Order in such a way. You do realize that you will be held responsible for all repair costs, do you not?"

"I don't know what that means, but it didn't sound nice!" Chaoji snapped.

Before he could say anything more, Link went on. "It is completely inappropriate for a member of the Order to hold himself in such a manner, shouting and making selfish demands in such a way."

"How can you blame this on _me_?" Chaoji whimpered. "All my sins aren't my fault, anyway. It's the _devil _that's responsible for sins, right? My sins are all _Allen's _fault!"

"Furthermore," Link continued, his voice rising, "you will certainly not receive anything I bake. You have not earned it, and have displayed yourself in such a manner that assures me that you are not capable of ever doing so. Now, if you kindly could leave, I will get busy filing the reports of the damage you have caused today."

Chaoji couldn't believe it. He had lost the battle. This fight may have been the point of his existence – it may have been his _destiny _to save that pie. It was too late, though. The devil had one. Evil would prevail.

"Those who assist the devil _are _the devil!" Chaoji cried, running from the room in defeat, sobbing all the way. He _had _to get back at Allen somehow. Perhaps next time, he'd go to the root of the problem.

But for now he was a _Failure_.


	54. Chaoji and the root of evil Failure

**Chaoji finds the root of all evil– **_**Failure**_

"Yes," Chaoji murmured to himself as he sat in the cafeteria one day, rubbing his hands together maniacally, "I _will _go straight to the inner evil – the dark, insufferable abyss of treachery! I will find the root of all sin, and demolish it! I will be the Messiah to food _everywhere_!"

"Chaoji, I've been meaning to tell you this for a while, but talking to your food isn't normal," Lavi informed him with a humorous, yet confused smirk.

Chaoji let out a sigh. "For a best friend, you aren't very understanding," he huffed, causing Lavi to cringe. "It's because of hypocrites like you that I _have _to find recluse with other friends."

Lavi jumped on the opportunity without wasting a moment. "If that's how you feel, then find a new best friend!" he suggested, unable to hide the enthusiasm in his tone.

"But then who would help me _find _the root of all evil?" Chaoji demanded, blinking his eyes at Lavi in an attempt to appear helpless and appealing. The look was horrifying enough to scare off an army of soldiers.

Lavi sat back in his chair, shooting an annoyed glance at Noise, who had already been given dismissal from a 'friendship' with Chaoji. "Chaoji, my intellect cannot compare to yours," he said in a tired, sarcastic voice. "Yes, you are _the one_ – the _chosen _one, who will deliver this universe from evil. Kind of like Jesus, but instead of leading the world with scripture, you'll lead them with cookbooks."

Chaoji's imagination ran wild; he took Lavi's suggestion quite seriously. There was only one Bible story that he could remember, however. "I like the one where they only have a few baskets of bread and fish, and then Jesus makes them _multiply_," he said to himself. "If I can have that kind of power…"

Noise cringed. "Don't give him ideas."

"With his brain capacity, he'll forget this ever happened in a few minutes."

"What is _evil_?" Chaoji began again, going back to his first subject.

"He remembered _that_," Noise pointed out, "and he _always _remembers to eat."

Chaoji, annoyed, spoke over Noise. "What is _evil_?"

"What is life?" Lavi countered, beginning to pick up his tray. Sitting so close to Chaoji had made him lose his appetite. "Why are we all here on this planet, being eternally punished with your presence?"

Chaoji missed the last part because he was having an epiphany. He didn't know how to spell 'epiphany', but he knew he was having one.

"Evil is Allen!" he declared, causing Noise to throw his hands up in exasperation and storm away. "If I delete Allen from the picture, then I will have brought salvation to the universe!"

"What do you plan on doing?" Lavi asked nervously, pausing.

Chaoji began to rub his hands together again and Lavi, beyond disturbed at this point, turned and left. "I will arm myself with a cookbook and charge into the battlefield, of course!" He stood up, knocking over his chair as he climbed onto the table, rolling onto its surface before yanking himself to his feet, standing on top of it to address the entire cafeteria.

"FEAR NOT, O WEAK ONES, FOR CHAOJI HATH COMETH! THOU SHALT BE DELIVEREDETH FROM ALLEN!"

Then, the once sturdy table cracked in two and Chaoji fell down, leaving a large dent in the tile floor.

_Failure_.


	55. Chaoji goes into Twilight Failure

**RoyxRizaFan updates her fan fiction – **_**Failure**_

I mean…

**Chaoji Goes Into Twilight – **_**MEGAFAILURE**_

Author's notes: This chapter is for a request, and it's a crossover of Twilight and Chaoji. This means that Chaoji and Twilight get bashed, so please, if you are a hardcore Twilight fan that will get offended, don't read this. I was reluctant to post it before because I thought people might get upset, but…I can't resist…

Lenalee had developed a new obsession with a book, and all she did was sit around musing about a man by the name of Edward. Apparently he could jump tree to tree and his ass sparkled. Chaoji constantly tried to read the book himself, but each time he _failed_, unable to make it past the first line.

"I'd never giv…giv…um, give-something much - Oh! Much, like 'munch'! - something to how I would die…DIE? Dying is _mean_!"

And so it went, his struggle with the book.

"If only I had a Klondike bar this size," he thought aloud, weighing the book in his hands.

One day, as Chaoji shut the book, defeated again, he noticed there was an apple on the front cover. Because his brain only processed 12.3% of what he saw (let alone _correctly_) he hadn't seen it before. Disgusted, he flung the book across the room.

"VILE FRUIT!" he shrieked, "WICKED FOOD OF THE DEVIL THAT BROUGHT SIN UPON OUR WORLD!" Appalled, Chaoji ran from the room.

_Ran as fast as he could_, that is. So by the time he reached the door, he was too hungry to go further. Defeated, he stumbled back over to his food stash. Once he had emptied a cupboard, he headed back over to his bed. On the way, he absentmindedly stepped on the book.

Before he could do anything, he was sucked into its pages. The words swarmed around him, absorbing the real world, and he fell down into a small living room. Due to his blubber, he bounced back up, crashing through the ceiling above him and into the room of a teenaged girl, who was currently in bed with a sparkly hunk of rock. The hunk of rock was leaned over her, watching her sleep, a glint in his eyes.

"Finally," he murmured under his breath, "After 108 long years of searching, I've found someone stupid enough to love a block of stone!"

"It's the sparkling Michelangelo statue Lenalee told me about!" Chaoji cried aloud, pointing at him in horror.

Edward looked up at Chaoji, shocked. He had been too caught up in his pedophilic daydreams to realize someone had entered his love nest. "I'm dangerous, you know."

"I'm Chaoji Han!" he cried randomly. "I come in peace! I'm from the anime D. Gray Man!"

"Anime's for _virgins_," a sleepy Bella muttered.

"Bella, love," Edward swooned, "you _are _a virgin."

"I must have been dreaming again…"

Before the two began confessing their undying love for one another _once again_, the sound of loud footsteps on the stairs came.

"Charlie!" they cried.

"We have to get out here!"

But it was too late: Charlie had already swung the door open. He had guns tied to his legs and a machine gun strapped to each of his arms. A laser was plastered to the top of his head.

"YOU HORNY BASTARDS!" he shouted, "GET AWAY FROM BELLA!"

"Charlie, you're ruining my life!" Bella sobbed, "I'm moving to Phoenix!"

Edward swung her over his shoulders and flew out of the window.

"He really _does _fly!" Chaoji said thoughtfully. He followed after them, intimidated by Charlie. He bounced down the street after them.

"He's following us!" Bella cried. "He's going to take me because I'm so beautiful and irresistible! I'm too helpless to defend myself, Edward, protect me!"

Edward glanced over his shoulder, "I'm dangerous, you know," he said in as deep of a voice as he could.

"You're so manly," Bella swooned.

"Thanks."

Chaoji rolled after them all the way to the Cullen mansion.

"Hey, Esme," Edward greeted his fake-mommy. "What have you been up to?"

"I've been sitting around the house, as usual," she said.

"Doesn't it get boring watching TV all day and night?" Bella wondered.

"I baked cookies!"

Chaoji, who was crouched 'inconspicuously' outside the window, crashed through the glass now, tackling her for her cookies. She didn't break under his weight, being a rock and all, but Bella still cried out, "I _told _you he was another one of those sexual predators!"

Edward sighed, "I'm dangerous you know."

Chaoji rolled off of Esme, done with his cookies. Edward mistook this as a victory on his part. "All in a day's work."

"Edward," Bella swooned, "You're so _perfect_…"

"And don't forget _dangerous_," he added, smirking her favorite twisted half-smile thing that looked like a perverted devil who had just devoured a small baby.

Bella nearly fainted. "The topaz..." she gasped, "It's too much for my virgin heart…"

"Hey, guys." Jacob Black walked into the house. "LAWLS I love bloodsuckers."

"Jake you freaking asshole," Edward hissed, "her ass is _MINE_, BITCH!"

Jake tore his shirt off. "I've got mad muscles!"

"I'M DANGEROUS!"

Chaoji pointed to Edward. "He's got you on this one."

Jake noticed the fat ass for the first time, though I have no idea how someone can overlook a crossbreed between a whale and an elephant. "Do you have any children?"

"Jake, you need to stop that," Bella warned him. "Not only is it creepy, but it's making me jealous. You know how I feel about you, Jake."

He blinked. "You love me, too?"

"So much it breaks my heart."

"Oh, Bella…" Jake reached out, touching her arm.

"AH!" she shrieked.

"YOU PERVERT!" everyone screamed, throwing shit at Jake until he was forced out of the house.

"He's such a sexual offender," Bella moaned.

"I know," Edward agreed, "I swear, tomorrow instead of molesting you while you sleep, I'm going to press charges for that."

Esme dabbed her eyes with a handkerchief. "My little boy, all grown up and dangerous."

Rosalie stomped down the stairs, followed by Emmett.

"You're up late," Esme pointed out. "Late night?"

"As always," Emmett snickered. He turned to look at Chaoji. "Whoa, man. Looks like you didn't follow the instructions correctly."

"What's he talking about?" Chaoji demanded.

"He's so addicted that he thinks everything relates to steroids," Bella explained.

"IS IT TRUE?"

Emmett smiled at Chaoji. "I'm comedy relief, you know."

"Really?" Chaoji squealed, "Tiedoll-Toto tells me that all the time, too!"

"BELLA!" Rosalie shrieked, sickened by her presence. "You fertile bitch!" She turned around, running for the exit.

"If it makes you feel any better, I was once stabbed by a candle!" Chaoji called after her.

"What does that have to do with anything?" Emmett asked.

Chaoji shrugged. "Tiedoll-Toto told me that was one of the funny things I did, though it hurt."

"Who are you, anyway?" they all asked at once.

Chaoji beamed. "I'm an able seaman."

They nodded, pretending they knew what that meant.

The doorbell rang, and in came Mike Newton, who is not a fairy.

"Bella," he cried out, "marry me!"

"Ew!" she shouted, "I only like men who are dangerous!"

"I'm…well, I read dangerous things!" Mike held up volume 15 of D. Gray Man. Chaoji, spotting himself on the cover, charged forward.

"WHO IS THAT DISTINGUISED MAN?" he cried, even though he was asleep in the picture. He tackled the book out of Mike's hands, falling into it and back into his bedroom.

Chaoji sat still for a moment, taking in his surroundings. He was back to the Order. Chaoji thought for a moment, trying to remember what had happened, but his attention span was like that of a fish's, and soon he had forgotten the entire incident and was bumbling his way back down to the cafeteria.

_Author's notes_: Yeah, I'm alive. My brain isn't, but that's nothing new xD

**For a while there I was sick, then insanely busy, then sick **_**again**_**, since I'm **_**always **_**sick, but then I forgot about updating all of my fan fiction until the other day. I'll be submitting Christmas chapters soon!**


	56. Chaoji meets a ghost Failure

Chaoji and the Ghost – _Failure_

It was the best time of year once again! Snow, cookies, fat guys and chimneys, talking snowmen, and Krampus beating up German kids! The Order was, once again, celebrating this time joyfully, hanging up decorations and baking continuously. There was only one member who was moping around.

"HAMBUG!" Chaoji screeched, unable to avoid adding food into the phrase.

"What's wrong with him?" Allen whispered to Kanda as he set up a manger scene.

Kanda crinkled his nose in disgust. "Well, to start with, he smells worse than a goddamned reindeer-"

Lavi cut him off, adding in, "If Chaoji had been alive 1,800 years ago, I bet God wouldn't have had to bother with the star! The wise men and shepherds could've used Chaoji's _ass _as a beacon!"

"I could care less how that moron feels," Kanda snapped. "Just leave him to mope in his corner."

Chaoji couldn't fit into a corner, so he was moping up against a wall. Spotting a chocolate Santa, he snatched it and tore off the wrapper with his teeth. With a homicidal glint in his eyes, he savagely gnawed off its head.

Lenalee watched him in terror, a memory flashing before her eyes. "Last Christmas, Chaoji didn't get any chocolate, remember?"

"Well, he didn't get coal, either," Allen pointed, frowning at Chaoji's greediness.

Kanda let out a sharp laugh. "Che! If he received coal, I'd use it to set his blubbery ass on fire."

"That's another thing!" Lavi began again. "Who needs advent candles? There's enough of Chaoji to last four weeks of burning, right?"

The exorcists left Chaoji to sulk, not wanting to bother with him. The Fat Ass began to eat more and more, having no other way to cure his depression.

By the time the exorcists were done decorating, Chaoji had consumed too much sugar and entered a coma (or something).

"What should we do now?" Lenalee asked, staring at the inactive hump of blubber on the other side of the room.

"Should we push him off a cliff?" Lavi suggested.

Kanda frowned. "Tried it already."

"Stuff him in a closet?"

"He wouldn't fit."

"Drop him in the lake?"

"How the hell are we supposed to carry him out of the Order?"

Figuring it was enough that he was silent, they let him be, placing CAUTION tape around the room so that no one stumbled into his makeshift room. There was a rumor that Chaoji ate finders when he sleepwalked.

In his coma-like sleep, Chaoji was prancing through a garden, but not one made of revolting heresies like carrots and lettuce – this one was made of peanut butter streams and chocolate trees. He rolled through the sugar patches, overwhelmed by the Utopia around him.

Out from behind a coconut flower stepped a man Chaoji had never met, bound by chains of liquorice. Chaoji glanced up at him in horror.

"WHO ARE YOU?" he cried out. "Are you here to steal my candy? There's a commandment about that, you know! _Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's candy_!"

"Chaoji," the man began, "you may not know me, but I know you." He crinkled his nose in disgust, silently thinking how unfortunate he was.

"Are you my mom?" Chaoji asked hopefully.

"I'm Daisya," he responded, ignoring the question. "I'm back from my grave to warn you of what's to come."

"Your grave?" Chaoji didn't know who this man was, but graves scared him, nearly as much as the _d-word_. You know…_diets_…

He sighed, wishing to get the meeting over with as quickly as possible. "I was Kanda and Noise's partner before I died, and _you _came along."

Chaoji frowned. "So, you're the _other _brother, eh?" he spat jealously. "Well, _I _replaced you, and Kanda loves me and I disowned Noise and Tiedoll told me I'm special and that I'm one of a kind, and that I stand out from a crowd and I draw pretty with crayons and make cool Play-Doh toys and I'm good at reciting the ABCs and I hate devils, _so there_!"

Daisya had lost him after the first question, and continued on without trying to figure it out. "Chaoji, you've been a bad boy this year. You've been selfish, piggish, greedy, ugly, rude, controlling, obnoxious, and conceited."

All those words were too big for Chaoji to understand, so he asked, "Does that mean I get chocolate this year?"

"It means you'll be visited by three ghosts," Daisya answered in a hurried tone. He was anxious to leave as soon as he could. "They'll show you the light."

Chaoji still didn't understand. "But I already _have _light," he pointed out, gesturing to the yellow Skittle that represented the sun, which was shining overhead. Marshmallow clouds passed by it lazily.

"Chaoji, you don't understand," he sighed. "See these liquorice chains? These are heavy things, you know. If you eat too much, you'll soon be weighed down, just as I am, and then you won't be able to move anymore."

Not moving sounded good to Chaoji. He could just sit and _eat _all day. An image of Kanda and Lenalee waiting on him, bringing him food constantly throughout the tray on silver (and edible) trays flashed through his mind. "And your point is?"

"Perhaps the other ghosts can explain it to you," he groaned, fading away. "I wish you luck, Chaoji…for the sake of Kanda and Noise…"

Chaoji sat alone in his field of candy, already having forgotten his conversation with Daisya. There were more important things for him to deal with at the moment. Such as finding a way to eat the sun.

_Failure_.


	57. Chaoji and theghost of Xmas past Failure

Chaoji and the Ghost of Christmas Past – _Failure_

Chaoji was wandering about through his field of sugar coated, relatively edible, artery-clogging, slightly hazardous garbage when there was a flash of light and before him appeared Lenalee, dressed completely in white.

A smile spread across his face, contorting his features so that he looked like the Grinch (which might actually be an improvement for him). "Lenalee! I was just wishing you and Kanda-Nissan were here so I could share this with you!" He lifted a sour, sugary grasshopper to show her what he was referring to. "But in my daydream, you weren't dressed in white." Lenalee began to back away as Chaoji explained, "You and Kanda-Nissan were dressed as gingerbread cookies!" Drool trickled out from the side of his mouth from the memory, and Lenalee backed up further, remembering the rumors that Chaoji ate people in his sleep.

"I am the ghost of Christmas past," she informed him in a hurried, shaky tone.

"Of candy's past?"

"Of _your _past, obviously," she snapped. "I am here to show you the Christmases that have come and gone, so that you can reflect on the way you have led your life."

Chaoji's mind began to wander. Going back in time meant re-eating everything that he had devoured throughout his entire life! His stomach growled in anticipation as he remembered all the cakes he had forced his fellow able seamen to bake for him.

Lenalee lifted a candy cane out of the ground, placing its tip on his shoulder rather than touching him herself. "Let us go, then…"

The massive sun transformed into Pac Man and devoured Chaoji's candy world, swallowing them into the past. In other words, Chaoji experienced an LSD moment.

The Pac Man burped them out into a memory. Lenalee and Chaoji were standing on a snowy path, watching as several children ran by, singing Christmas carols.

Chaoji glanced around, tears beginning to form in his eyes. Lenalee suddenly felt a pang of sympathy for him, realizing that he, too, had a past he missed.

She didn't feel bad for long. "I don't know where the fuck we are," Chaoji snapped immediately. "I want a fucking refund. A Merry fucking Christmas indeed."

"Hold on," she muttered. "I _know _you don't recognize this moment, because although many of the children were having fun, there was one that was left behind…"

She pointed past the children, who were now sliding across an icy lake, and directed Chaoji's vision to a large pineapple that was lying in the road, gnawing on a dead bird.

"While the other children played," she continued, "there was one child who was neglected and abandoned, for he desired the company of food more than that of his friends. His father, too poor to feed his motherless child's appetitive, had no choice but to abandon him."

Chaoji inched forward towards the enormous pineapple. It was placed in the center of the dirt path, lying amongst the ants as it fought to get its fill of the bird.

"He was a desperate being with a stomach of steel," she added, turning away from the disturbing scene.

Chaoji bent down, closely examining the pineapple before leaning to take a bite out of it.

"That's not _food_! It's _you_, you idiot!" Lenalee shrieked, using the hook of the candy cane to drag him back. "What the hell's wrong with you?"

"NO BODY LOVED ME!" Chaoji sobbed, pointing to the pineapple.

"You know that's not true," she argued. "Your cousin, sympathetic of your state, fought to find you a place with your remaining family. Let us go a few years further…"

The scene faded out and reformed into a candy store, which was seemingly deserted with the exception of Chaoji and the few scraps of candy that he had not yet eaten. By now he had grown, and was a pineapple with legs.

A girl rushed into the shop, dashing up to Chaoji with an eager expression on her face. "Chaoji!" she called out, attempting to raise the pineapple into her arms. "Father is so much kinder now, and has agreed to accept you for Christmas dinner!"

"Dinner?" Chaoji repeated. His eyes were not visible through his blubber, but if she had seen them, she would have done the smart thing and set him back down. However, she missed the hungry glint in his eyes and continued on excitedly.

"Yes!" she sang. "You can eat dinner with us!"

"I can eat you for dinner?" he interpreted it.

Her faced dropped. "No, Chaoji I said-"

"She was a kind, giving girl," Lenalee said in a faraway voice. "She would have made a great woman, if only she had had the chance."

"She died young," Chaoji agreed.

Lenalee grimaced. "You _ate her_!"

Unable to watch the rest of the scene, Lenalee brought them into the next part of his life, where he roamed about, by himself, with no help in sight. While he was chewing on a birdfeeder, Anita and Mahoja passed by, watching with pitying expressions on their faces.

"Look at that helpless creature," Anita spoke, mostly to herself. "I feel bad for animals nowadays. No one can afford a pet anymore!"

"We could afford to have a few more crew members, though," Mahoja sighed. "Too bad the only strays out there are…what would you say that is? An obese raccoon?"

"I thought it was a puffer fish."

"Those only live in water."

"Maybe a skunk, then? It smells pretty damn bad…"

"It's gotta be a crossbreed of…_something_. Don't get too close; it's probably diseased."

"Eventually, Anita and Mahoja discovered your species was human," Lenalee explained, "Although that may or may not be true. Anyhow, they took you in as one of their team, and gave you a home until…"

"Until the _devils _killed them," Chaoji spat.

"Until you tried to eat your crew members," Lenalee corrected. "You turned against Anita's wishes."

The scene faded into a new one of Chaoji sitting in the kitchen, inhaling cookies as if they were oxygen. Anita watched in horror as he stacked them one on top of the other before sucking in the entire pile in one mouthful.

"Chaoji," she sighed. "Do you not remember the reason why you joined this crew? You wanted to fight back against the demons that killed your mother, remember?"

Chaoji's mouth was full, and he didn't answer.

"I feel that your motives have changed," she went on in a sad, reluctant tone. "I preferred you as a starving child on the streets who lived off his beliefs for nourishment!"

Chaoji rolled his eyes. "I was an idealistic young fool!" he cried. "I thought I could live on ideas alone, but now I realize that without snacks, I cannot exist!" He wrapped his arms around the pastries in front of him, drawing them all nearer to his mouth. _I wonder, can I fit them all into my mouth at once? _

Anita sighed, tapping the scale in front of him. "I know now that in your eyes, ideas are weightless while only food holds substance. You show this whenever you try to eat another one of your crewmembers."

"I can't help it!" he defended, stuffing another cookie into his overflowing mouth.

"We all have to make sacrifices!" she cried. "We give up our bodily contentment for our overall cause!"

"Ha!" Chaoji scoffed, spitting crumbs in every which direction.

"I leave you now," Anita told him, "to go fight with the exorcists. I hope you are proud of your decision, and that you live with a full stomach."

Anita turned and left, leaving Chaoji alone with his cookies. He sat for a moment before calling after her.

"Anita-SAAMMMAAA! ANITA-SAAAAAMA!!!!"

There was no response.

"Dammit. She looked tasty, too."

The scene faded out. Lenalee turned to see a sad look in Chaoji's eyes.

"I really missed out," he sighed. Lenalee glanced away, feeling pity for him once again. "After all," he continued, "she would have been a damn tasty after snack."

Feeling it was helpless to show him anymore, she returned him to his candy wonderland. "The next ghost will arrive shortly," Lenalee informed him. "Realize, Chaoji, that your troubles always arise when you put your need for food before your need for companionship."

Chaoji couldn't hear her over the sound of chomping on his gum. With one last huff, Lenalee faded away.

_Failure_.


	58. Chaoji and ghost of Xmas present Failure

Chaoji and the Ghost of Christmas Present – _Failure_

Chaoji had returned to his field of candy flowers. At least a minute had passed since he had met the first ghost, so he had obviously forgotten what had happened; his brain couldn't think that far back. It took too much effort! The last thing he wanted to do was burn _brain calories_. It made his head hurt.

Instead, he concentrated on picking out his next snack. His spiky hair worked as sugar detectors, alerting him to nearby Hershey's kisses.

"DOES IZE SMELLZ CANDEHZ?" he sang out, falling onto his knees as he crawled on the ground, scooping up the chocolates as he went. He was too fucking stupid to realize that they were all in a line, leading him over to a tree with a small hole in it.

Out from the hole came a bright, blinding light and the sound of booming laughter. Of course, everyone reading this has already figured out what's going on, but Chaoji had no idea and continued forward lamely, sticking his head into the trunk of the tree as he tried to find the remaining chocolates.

Inside, Lavi sat on top of a throne, still laughing at Chaoji's pathetic nature. "It didn't take you as long to get here as I thought it would!" he chuckled. "Maybe we should use chocolate on the battlefield, too. Maybe if we throw candies at the akuma, you'll aim for them instead of the nearby concession stand!"

Chaoji smiled. "Look, my best friend Lavi is snickering! This must mean he has Snickers bars!"

Lavi ignored the lame comment. "I am the ghost of Christmas present!"

Chaoji's eyes lit up. "PRESENTS?" he cried at the top of his lungs. Somewhere, in the real world, a sharp ringing started in Noise's ears. "I GET TO OPEN PRESENTS? DID YOU GET ME TELETUBBIES DVDS? DID YOU GET ME A PLUSHIE OF DORA THE EXPLORA'S BOYFRIEND? DID YOU GET ME A TALKING, WALKING, LAUGHING, LOVING ELMO DOLL? Elmo's my friend. The three of us should have a tea party sometime! We can sing songs and tickle one another!" Chaoji began to move forward. "Want to be tickled, Lavi?"

"I'm a ghost," Lavi reminded him, forcing out a shaky laugh. "Mess with me, and I'll fuck you up."

"Best friend Lavi is so funny!" Chaoji cackled. "Where are my presents?"

Lavi ignored him. "Let's get this over with," he suggested. "If you keep your hands to yourself, never talk about Elmo _again_, and keep your mouth shut, I'm sure we can get this over with quickly!"

"But I love spending time with Lavi!" Chaoji cried, blinking his lack of eyelashes in order to appear cute. Which failed.

After Lavi was done throwing up, he responded, "If you waste time talking to me, you won't be able to eat all those flowers out there."

And so, Chaoji agreed to go along with Lavi. After he forced Chaoji out of the hole in the tree – which his gigantic ass had been stuck in – by using his hammer to smash him out (after all, his head was thick as lead), they headed off to the Order, where the exorcists continued to prepare for the upcoming holiday.

They sat around a small table in the kitchen, discussing their preparations. The smell of pie filled the air.

Miranda smelt the air, taking a deep breath. "It's been a while since we've been able to enjoy a meal," she commented, freely speaking now that there was no one to interrupt her. "It's a lot easier to eat without…"

Krory finished for her. "Without _Chaoji _around."

Johnny sighed. "He's relatively new, so I did my best to help him," he added, "but…when I tried to take his measurements for the uniform, I ran out of measuring tape."

"Couldn't you get another roll?" Miranda asked quietly.

"I _did_," Johnny told her. "About _seventeen _times. Eventually, the nearby shops ran out. I ended up buying out the fabric store as well. Besides, he seems to grow everyday. I'm constantly making a new uniform!"

Miranda let out a long sigh. "I feel bad gossiping, especially this time of year. Perhaps…perhaps we just don't _understand _Chaoji?"

"What's there to understand?" Krory demanded. "His brain is a giant Tootsie pop!"

"His body's a giant jawbreaker," Noise added, struggling to rid his ears of the strange ringing sound. "It's large, hard as rock, and impossible to break apart."

Krory stared off into the distance. "Back when I lived in my grandfather's mansion, a bird once flew up to my window. I became excited, since not much wildlife made it past my front gate. I waited for it to reach me, but it ended up flying straight into my window." He glanced at the other exorcists. "It fell down, struggled against my flowers for about an hour, before flying back up to the window and crashing into it again. This pattern went on for about a week until Elliade cooked it." Everyone cringed, having no idea what the point of the story was until he added, "At the time, I thought the bird was stupid. Now that I have Chaoji to compare it to, I admire its strength and devotion. And it didn't taste too bad, either."

"I've seen _lice _more intelligent than Chaoji," Noise agreed, "I'm referring to _Leverrier's mustache, _in case anyone was wondering."

"There's a question!" Johnny piped up. "Would you rather spend an evening with Leverrier, or Chaoji?"

"Would you rather be eaten alive, or dismembered slowly?" Noise translated. "Tough one…"

Link returned from the kitchen with Allen close behind. He was holding a pie the size of an apple on a tray, which he placed in the center of the table between Noise, Miranda, Krory, and Johnny.

The six of them stared at the small sample of food for a moment before Link explained, "There was not enough ingredients left for me to bake an entire pie."

"Leverrier's lice is bigger than this," Noise commented.

"Chaoji's brain is large than this," Krory countered.

"His _stomach _is, at the very least," Link snapped, a dissatisfied frown on his face. "It is that abominable exorcists who prevents me from baking to my full capacity." He glared at the pie, as if he couldn't believe he had created such a monstrosity.

"It's the Christmas season," Allen remarked. "The least we can do is make a little sacrifice here and there."

"Here that, Chaoji?" Lavi smirked. "Sometimes, you have to _give_ rather than _receive_."

"Why would I give?" Chaoji snapped. "That means I get less! How does this benefit _me_?"

Lavi sighed.

Allen's stomach began growling loudly. Miranda searched her pockets for candy, but today she didn't have any.

"I had to give my candy to Chaoji so he'd leave me alone," she explained. "He kept bothering me about the way the stockings were set up. He was upset that his was placed below everyone else's, claiming that Santa would ignore it."

"Like _that's _why he'd ignore it," Noise muttered.

"It's fine," Allen assured her, putting on a strong face. "I'll…find _something _in the kitchen. You guys enjoy the pie while you can." He began to walk away, pausing and adding, "GOD BLESS US, EVERYONE ONE!" before scurrying off.

They watched as he left with sad expressions.

"Poor Allen," Miranda murmured. "I wish there was something we could do for him."

"That greedy Chaoji is going to be the death of him!" Noise cried. "Allen has a parasite Innocence, and needs to eat more! Chaoji's bracelet doesn't require that he constantly be fed!"

"If he doesn't get fed correctly soon…" Krory's voice wandered off.

Johnny crossed his arms. "And yet, he still says that we should be giving to Chaoji! Even on Christmas, I can't bring myself to feel that way!"

"Poor, Tiny Allen!" they all cried.

"Gee, I wonder what _that _symbolized," Lavi muttered. "So, Chaoji, what did you learn today?"

"That pie looks tasty," he remarked.

Lavi let out a tired sigh. "I guess I have no choice. I was hoping I wasn't going to have to show you this, but I suppose it's the only way you'll see." He sucked in a deep breath. "You say that giving doesn't benefit you, but if you continue to live as a selfish idiot, you're going to end up with no other emotions than _ignorance _and _want_. Do you know what these emotions look like?" he demanded.

"What is this?" he demanded. "Is this like Coke and Pepsi?"

Lavi rolled his eyes, having no idea what he was talking about. He reached into his pocket, pulling out a picture. He handed it to Chaoji, pointing to the two people in the photograph.

"This," he said, pointing to George W. Bush, "Is ignorance. This," he continued, pointing to Barrack Obama, "is want."

"I don't get it," Chaoji whined.

Lavi rolled his eyes. "This is what you'll become if you keep up what you're doing!" he cried, waving the pictures in his face. "You're no different than either of these people right now! Bush hates broccoli, and Obama's obsessed with speeches concerning pie! Do you want to end up like these two, Chaoji?"

"I don't get it."

Lavi tore the picture in half, letting out a groan. "I guess this isn't something I can take care of. Perhaps I'll have to leave this to the _next ghost_ to figure out."

"Does this mean I can go back and eat now?" Chaoji asked.

_Failure_.


	59. Chaoji and ghost of XMas future Failure

**Chaoji and the Ghost of Christmas Future – **_**FAILURE**_

Rather than wasting their precious Christmas on trying to solve Chaoji's problems, the ghosts left him to devour the candy realm he lived in. Therefore, they decided to put their task to the side and occupy themselves with other things, abandoning what they had originally set off to do until over two weeks had passed by. At first, they were going to finish their project during the twelve days of Christmas, figuring it'd make a good excuse, but unfortunately something called a practice AP English exam- I mean, something came up, and they didn't have time to deal with Chaoji.

So, while these ghosts celebrated New Years and such, Chaoji sat in his own candy world, eating trees, kittens, sidewalks…anything that was edible (though what _isn't _edible to Chaoji?) Eventually he ran out of things to eat on his planet's surface, and used the bounce from his blubber to project himself into the sky, snatching the stars one by one until there was none left. Eventually, he was left in a dark, empty world, with no company and no friends.

"Now what?" he asked himself, staring out into the dark after he devoured the moon, as if it was made of cheese. Which it is. Maybe.

As Chaoji glanced around at the black world around him, the third and final ghost descended from the sky. He intended to land on his feet, but because it was dark, he ended up falling on top of Chaoji, bouncing off of him, and crashing on the ground beside him with a thud.

"Fucking hell!" the ghost snapped, "who the fuck signed me up for this job? They should at least provide a frickin' landing pad."

"They did," Chaoji assured him, "but I ate it." It took his slow brain to process the fact that, if he was talking to someone, it meant he wasn't alone. "Milano? Is that you?"

"I'm not a friggin' Milano, you dumb ass!" the ghost snapped. "I'm the third ghost, or whatever! I can't read my note cards when it's this dark!"

Chaoji sniffed the air loudly. "Kanda-Nissan? Is that you?"

Disturbed, it took Kanda a moment to respond. "…Yeah…"

Chaoji smiled. It was a good thing it was dark, or Kanda would have barfed. "I thought so. I'd recognize your scent _anywhere_."

Kanda began to back away. "…All right. Let's get this over with, okay? Neither of us wants to be here, so I want you to shut up and listen, or I'll fucking _kill you_."

"Kanda-Nissan is so funny!" Chaoji laughed. "You put on the façade of being a tough guy, but inside, I know you're as soft as vanilla pudding!" Chaoji licked his lips. "Sugary, sweet, and tasty!"

Kanda snarled. "I'm a ghost. Try to eat me, and you're dead."

"Kanda-Nissan is the last person I'd ever eat," Chaoji assured him in a serious tone, despite how absurd the sentence was. "If I _had _to become a cannibal, I'd save you for last, since you're the dessert. But I'd never _desert _you. Get it? Do you get it, Kanda-Nissan? Was it funny? Did you think it was funny?"

Kanda ignored him, squinting through the dark to the read the queue cards the other ghosts had prepared for him, since he obviously wouldn't be able to accomplish the task himself. However, his efforts were in vain. He was left to use his own judgment to adjust Chaoji's character.

"All right, Chaoji," he spat, "we're going into the future, so try to pay attention and follow along."

"You never said if you thought I was funny or not!" Chaoji whined.

Kanda was doing all he could not to kill Chaoji, and continued to ignore them. A portal opened up beneath their feet, sucking them through a red and white vortex.

"Candy canes!" Chaoji sang out. "Speaking of candy, have you ever seen the movie Willy Wonka, Kanda?"

"Shut up," he muttered, not waiting for the punch line, "or the candy canes will turn into carrots."

Chaoji immediately fell silent. Being in the presence of carrots gave him hives, unless it was carrot cake.

They finally appeared at their destination. Lenalee and Lavi were walking down the streets of London with solemn looks on their faces.

"They're sad!" Chaoji observed. He knew what it was like to be sad – once, he had actually run out of cookies, and had experienced this emotion firsthand.

"Che."

"I think he's recovering," Lavi piped up after a moment, shrugging. "I'm sure he'll be out of the hospital in no time."

"And then where will he go?" Lenalee replied bitterly.

"…Back to the Order, of course," Lavi responded hesitantly, thinking the answer was obvious.

Lenalee sighed. "And what is the _Order_ at this point in time?" she rephrased. "I really wished we had relocated sooner, but everyone kept procrastinating. They were all so reluctant to give up their home, that they got into severe debt."

"The Order got into debt while I wasn't there?" Chaoji gasped.

"Listen!" Kanda snapped.

"No one wanted to give in that easily," Lavi reminded her. "We shouldn't have moved out sooner. We should've kicked _him _out, before his food bills made us poorer than Cross Marian!"

"There was no way that was happening," Lenalee argued. "There's aren't strong enough bulldozers to move him! He never would have left any other way. And then, how to keep him out? We'd have to find chains heavier than the continent of Africa to tie that beast down! We'd be just as poor as we are now, after paying for that kind of equipment."

Lavi frowned. "Whatever. We made a mistake by taking him in, in the first place."

Lenalee frowned. "And whose fault is that?"

Lavi shot a glare at her from the corner of his eye. "Don't look at _me_! You're the one who was riding his ass the entire way back from the boat to Edo! Maybe if you hadn't been draping yourself all over him, he wouldn't have been so excited about joining the Order! It was your fault his Innocence activated, anyway!"

"We'd both be dead if his Innocence hadn't activated," she argued. "That's something!"

"What about _Allen_, though?" Lavi demanded, his tone lowering. "You saw him. Chaoji started eating non-edible foods after we stopped supplying for his appetite, and became…insane."

Kanda stared at the scene in horror. "Crazier than he is now?" he hissed under his breath, surprised himself. He glanced at Chaoji from the corner of his eye. He was wearing a stupid expression on his face, and probably wasn't picking up on half of the conversation, but yet, somehow, he was a beast to be feared, simply because he was so fucktarded.

"I can't believe he actually went so crazy that he _actually thought _Allen was a bean sprout," Lenalee sighed.

"I can," Lavi disagreed. "That's what happens when people eat plaster walls, not to mention stealing Leverrier's baked goods. There's enough crack in that alone to make a philosopher's brain deteriorate after one bite!"

"Poor Allen," Lenalee sighed under her breath. The two exorcists fell silent again, walking on, deep in their thoughts of better days, and what could have prevented this.

Kanda, anxious to finish his job, asked Chaoji, "So? What did you learn from this?"

"I defeated the devil!" Chaoji cried out joyfully.

Kanda cringed. "What else? Think, Fat Ass!"

"I…became a ninja and stole the Inspector's cake!"

"Wrong! You drove away all your friends, and took over the Order yourself!"

Chaoji thought about what Kanda said. If this was true, it meant that there were less people to divide the food between, meaning more for him to eat!

Seeing that Chaoji wasn't following, Kanda decided, "I'll show you what became of yourself. _Then _you'll understand."

And so, the two appeared at the vacant Order.

"It's deserted," Kanda pointed out, figuring Chaoji wouldn't see this himself.

"You mean, _Desserted_?" Chaoji sang out. "Do you think it was funny _this time_, Kanda-Nissan? Are you laughing? Did you think it was funny? Didja? Didja? DIDJA DIDJA DIDJA HUH HUH HUH? You did, right?"

"Sure, why the fucking hell not!" Kanda snapped. "It was goddamn freaking funny! _Now pay attention_!"

Chaoji fell silent for a moment, smiling like he was a pedophile Teletubby on LSD. "You're so cool, Kanda-Nissan. I love you."

"Kill me now..."

"I'd never kill you! But I'll kill you with brotherly love and adoration!"

"_Touch me_, and I'll send you back to the dream world you ate!"

Chaoji fell silent.

"See this?" Kanda continued once he thought it was safe. "It's _empty_," he rephrased, not making the same mistake twice. "Everyone left because they hated you and you were messing up their lives. Now you sit around, eating the walls because there's no food left." Without missing a beat, he hurried on to ask, "Now that you've seen this, have you had a change of heart?"

"What does that mean? Like, sweethearts? The candy?"

Kanda smacked his hand to his forehead. "That's it, we're going back. This is useless."

As he said this, a group of snickering children hurried up to the Order. Upon hearing them, future-Chaoji stumbled out of his home. He was larger than the ball that drops on New Years. His diameter had tripled.

"There he is!" one of the boys shrieked. The children began to pelt future-Chaoji with tomatoes.

Chaoji had never seen anything more horrifying in his life. Children were throwing _tomatoes _at him!!!! Vile tomatoes! There was nothing – _nothing _– worse than a tomato! Not only was it considered a vegetable, but a fruit as well! Everything Chaoji hated was mashed together in one soggy, nutritious, red, seedy ball of HORROR!

"BRING ME BACK!" Chaoji begged Kanda suddenly, even though he was about to do just that anyway. "I'LL DO ANYTHING! I'll change my diet! I'll join Jenny Craig! _Anything_! Just please, please, don't let me become this!"

_Failure_.

**Author's notes: It's officially the 'twelve weeks' of Christmas. So I'm on time…**

**Sorry for not finishing this before Christmas! As you can guess, a lot has come up. Thanks for hanging in there, and for reading anyway!**

**The idea for relocating the Order comes from ****Kuro-puuAndFaiLuvers**

**E.R. Burke requested the upcoming idea for Jenny Craig. I have everyone's suggestions, but I never write anything in a particular order, so I just complete them as ideas come to me. So I'm sorry for any requests that haven't been completed, but I assure you, I haven't forgotten them! **


	60. The Order Defeats Chaoji Failure

**The Order Destroys Chaoji – **_**Failure**_

The members of the Order had enjoyed three months of pure bliss while Chaoji was in his sugar-induced coma. During those months, everyone had gained back the weight they had lost because of Chaoji, their blood pressure had lowered, and overall, the atmosphere at the Order had been a lot cheerier and comfortable than it had been since that time when Anita and Mahoja had stuck the Order with the Fat Ass.

One day, however, the inevitable happened. Allen, Link, and Lenalee were eating happily in the cafeteria when the light streaming in from the window suddenly vanished. They were cast in a dark shadow, and the flowerpots that Lenalee had placed on the table gave a shake before all the petals wilted and fell off of the plant. Lavi, who had been reading in the library, suddenly couldn't concentrate any longer. Miranda, who had been able to walk without tripping for several months, tripped over a Finder, who had just passed out, and took down half the people in the hallway with her. Kanda, who had been in a better mood lately, was about to help her up when suddenly, the old homicidal urges crept back into him. Noise, whose super-hearing skillz hadn't bothered him lately, suddenly had a massive headache. Outside, babies screamed, flying birds collapsed in defeat, happy children began crying, and local grocers screamed up to the Heavens in agony. A dark aura fell over the Order, and everyone became alert.

The beast had awoken.

Komui dashed out of his office frantically to find the Order in chaos. "Everyone, arm yourselves!" he ordered loudly, shouting over the screams of fear. "Everyone in the cafeteria, run for your lives! Put on your Anti-Chaoji gear and go!"

That's right: the Order had been preparing for his moment. Everyone pulled on their Anti-Chaoji equipment, consisting of an oxygen mask (to protect from his breath), a plastic suit (to protect from his germs), earplugs (to protect their brains from the nonsense Chaoji spewed out), and they all armed themselves with spray cans, provided by the Science Division, that spurted out the stench of burnt cake, in order to repel the Fat Ass when he chose to emerge from his cave (aka the closet they had locked him in).

The doors of the closet shook. Everyone waited for his large body to burst out but was surprised when, instead of his entire body crashing through, they heard the sound of his teeth scratching against the wood.

"He's gnawing his way out!" Komui cried in shock, standing on one of his robots as he directed his Anti-Chaoji army. "Point your cans at the door, and be prepared!"

"This time, we'll get that Fat Ass!" Kanda declared confidently, overwhelmed with anticipation.

At last, his teeth broke through the wood, and soon he had smashed his way through the barrier between him and the outside world. The army watched in horror as his large shadow approached them from his dark prison, a ball of blubber wobbling towards them on two small legs.

"Here he comes," Lenalee warned everyone, sucking in a deep breath.

Everyone raised their weapons, prepared for anything. And so, Chaoji stepped into the light, revealing himself, and how he had changed over the three months.

Of course, anyone would expect that, after three months in a coma, he might have lost a little weight, but he was just as massive as before. The only thing that had changed was his hair. During three months without shaving, he now had spiky sideburns, a spiky mustache, and a spiky, pineapple beard hanging from each of his chins.

Plus, he hadn't bathed in months.

At the horrifying sight, a few soldiers collapsed.

"Stand strong, men!" Komui cried out to his army encouragingly, though he was becoming dizzy himself. "We've waited this long! We can't lose now!"

But then, Chaoji took another step forward, shaking the ground. Even more members of the Order collapsed, and the ones that remained sunk deeper into their costumes. This, of course, didn't help; the stench was so strong that their protective uniforms began to melt under the pressure. Defeated, the army fell apart, and Komui fainted, falling all the way down to the ground from atop his robot.

Chaoji glanced around at his unconscious 'friends' and smiled, his beards moving up with the corners of his mouth. "Wow, everyone was so happy to see me that they _fainted_!" he congratulated himself. "I'm so glad to be back to the Order!"

At this moment, the automatic sprinklers set in, spraying the beast down. In the meantime, all of the members of the Order remained unconscious, and probably preferred it that way.

_Failure_.

**Author's Notes:**

**60% completed! Sixty chapters of Chaoji bashing…wow. Thanks so much for all the reviews and ideas – they're what have kept me going with this. Over 800 reviews- holy crap! Thanks sooo much! I read all of them, and appreciate all your feedback!**

**Each time I write a chapter of this, I get more and more amazed at how disgusting my sense of humor becomes when I write this story. My apologies for all the disturbing mental images I've provided you guys with over the past year and a half. **

**Anyhow, thanks so much for reading and I hope you'll let me know what you think! Next time, Chaoji tries out Jenny Craig! Do you think he'll be successful? …Didn't think so. **


	61. Chaoji goes on Jenny Craig Failure

**Chaoji Goes on Jenny Craig – **_**Failure**_

After being properly bathed for the first time in months, and devouring nearly all of the Order's food, Chaoji's microscopic, pathetic mind revived a distant memory. With a gasp that sent tables flying, Chaoji realized that he had vowed to join Jenny Craig.

"You're going to do _what_?" Lavi cried in disbelief, nearly falling off his ladder when Chaoji announced his decision to him.

Chaoji, who was receiving hives from being so close to a bookshelf, squirmed uncomfortably as he responded. "Well, that guy from _Seinfeld _did it, and so did the girl from _Less Than Perfect…_"

"You're basing your argument off of _celebrities_? Celebrities that haven't been _born yet_?"

"I'm just looking ahead," Chaoji insisted. He turned towards the window, and Lavi and him gazed out onto the promising horizon. "See that, best friend Lavi? That's our _future_."

Lavi continued to stare for a moment before wincing. "That's a freaking _thunderstorm_."

And so, Chaoji joined Jenny Craig. He waited expectantly, all day long, on the front steps of the Order, waiting for the food to arrive.

Lenalee and Allen gazed out through one of the rainy windows, down at where Chaoji sat. "Do you think he'll stick with it?" Lenalee asked hopefully after a moment.

Allen was silent for a moment before letting out a sigh. "…There isn't a chance."

Lenalee let out a soft moan. "I guess we can enjoy it while it lasts." They were quiet for another moment before Lenalee asked in a slow, curious voice, "How doesn't he get wet sitting out in the rain?"

"He's huge and has massive body heat," Allen answered. "The water evaporates within a meter of him."

The members of the Order all helped Chaoji with his diet by eating healthy themselves, especially in front of him. They wanted him to diet even more than _he _did, and would benefit more from it, so it became a group effort. Link didn't bake, in fear that the smell would attract the Fat Ass; Allen only ate snacks in his room, and Lenalee locked her strawberry perfume in the closet (not that fruit tempts him anyway, but she wanted to feel useful).

At last, the first package arrived. Starved, Chaoji had to force himself not to eat the deliveryman, and accepted the packages of food excitedly. He set the boxes down on one of the tables in the cafeteria.

All the members of the Order gathered around excitedly, prepared to witness an extraordinary moment in history. Lavi and Bookman sat front in center, closely observing with their notepads open. The exorcists (and Link) watched curiously from the side, the members of the Science Division had their cameras prepared, and Jerry was blinking back tears of joy. Everyone held their breaths as Chaoji lifted one of the boxes…

And ate it whole.

The Order was silent. Lavi dropped his pen, Johnny dropped his camera, Lenalee dropped to the floor, and Jerry burst into a hysterical fit of tears.

Kanda was the first to speak. "You fucking _dumb ass _fatso! You're supposed to eat one meal at a _time_! That's the whole point of the damn program!"

Chaoji stared back and forth between Kanda and the remaining boxes. "I thought this _was _one meal?"

No one bothered to hold Kanda back as he plunged forward, his fists balled.

_Failure_.

**Author's Notes: I figured I'd update while I had time, to make up for my long hiatus recently. **

**The Jenny Craig idea was requested by ****E.R. Burke**


	62. Chaoji reconnects with nature FAILURE

**Chaoji Reconnects with Nature – **_**Failure**_

"I think I need to reconnect with nature," Chaoji declared one fine morning, staring out into the fine morning with wide, gawking eyes.

Lavi and Allen exchanged a look. "…You're not going to _eat _it, are you?"

"I'm going to savor the blessings Mother Nature has bestowed upon us, before…" his voice broke, and Lenalee lowered her head, as if she understood his pain.

"Before the akuma destroy it," she finished solemnly.

"No, before _Allen _kills it," he corrected her. "Every time we step outside, the flowers begin to wilt…it must be the evil force surrounding him!"

"Yeah, it's definitely Allen, and not you," Lavi agreed sarcastically, turning back to his book.

"Yes," Chaoji said in a distant, distracted tone. "Today, I will reconnect with the savory- I mean, I will savor nature, and take in the spicy- spacey scenery, and _relish_ its beauty, its fragrant aromas, its taste…_tasteful _landscape, devour-delve in its rich fields, and _inhale_ the _fresh_, _delicious_ scent of fall."

"It's spring, Chaoji. And if you plan on eating any of the landscape, you'd better brush your teeth first. We have to walk on this stuff, you know?"

"Your casual tone is unsettling," Allen muttered to Lavi. "It's like we've all given up."

"_You _try persuading the Fat Ass not to eat the front lawn," he challenged him, "When it looks so _ripe _and _appetizing_."

"Oh, _scrumptious nature_!" Chaoji cried as he said this. "Oh, delectable dirt, palatable prairies, mouthwatering moths and bitable butterflies, barbequed bunnies and roasted raccoons, appetizing acorns and tasty trees! How I have missed thee, salty streams and caramel clouds! Come to daddy!"

Lavi raised an eyebrow at Allen expectantly, and he hesitantly cleared his throat. "You know, Chaoji, trees kind of look like broccoli, when you think about it."

To everyone's relief, Chaoji fell silent for a moment. Slowing turning around (not only for the drama, but also because it was impossible for him to move in any other way, when he could move at all) he spat, "Only a sick, demented person like _you _would ever think that!"

With that, Chaoji rolled right out of the window, bouncing off into the wilderness. Allen glanced out the window after him, but Lavi didn't bother moving.

"I always hope that someday, he'll land on a pitchfork and deflate."

"Another disappointing day," Lenalee sighed sympathetically.

"There's always tomorrow."

Everyone thought that statement over before moaning.

"Damn it, there's still tomorrow…"

Chaoji spun down the hill before finally crashing into a tree, sending leaves falling down onto him in a gentle drizzle. He tried to catch them in-between his teeth, laughing as he practiced more alliteration with the few words he knew (all of which pertained to food.)

"Chompy caterpillars," he sang out lamely, "and lickable leaves! Bitable bark, gnawable gravel…"

Suddenly, he heard the chirping of birds.

"Are you singing with me, my dears?" he cried out, raising his eyes to the sky. Overhead, a row of birds rested on a tree branch. "Let's sing some more! Here's a song I made myself. _FRUIT SALAD! YUCKY YUCKY!_"

The birds' cries grew louder. Chaoji misinterpreted this as enthusiasm.

"Let's sing another one!" he urged them. "_The time has come, my little friends! To come and eat all sorts of things!_" The birds fell silent, and Chaoji patted his stomach. "Come to daddy!" he repeated again, as if it hadn't been disturbing enough the first time.

Infuriated by his sketchy words and his horrible twist on the _Alice in Wonderland_ song, the birds rushed down to him. Chaoji was sure they were coming to sacrifice themselves to his appetite, but instead, they pointed their beaks downward and plunged straight into his flesh, stabbing him at every angle.

Inside the Order, the exorcists could hear Chaoji's high-pitched, ear piercing screech. "HELP! ANITA-SAMA! MAHOJA-SAMA! _EVEEYONE_!"

Lavi peered out of the window, smirking. "It seems he's succeeded."

"Succeeded?" Lenalee repeated skeptically.

"It seems Chaoji has reconnected with nature."

(but it was actually just another) _Failure_.

**Author's notes: I am so, so sorry. I know I suck at life. It's been like over a month since I've updated. I appreciate everyone's support, and anyone who is still following the story, despite my irregular updates, an extra thank you to you! It means a lot to me. I've been overwhelmed with schoolwork but, believe me, I never forget I had stories to update. **

**Anyhow, the idea of birds attacking Chaoji was requested by pompom25. **


	63. Chaoji celebrates Halloween FAILURE

"I almost didn't bother getting up this morning," Lavi remarked with a sad, tired sigh, slouching back in his chair. "I've been dreading this for three hundred sixty-five and a quarter days, guys. Happy October 31st."

Allen and Lenalee smiled sympathetically, nodding in agreement, but Kanda abruptly rose to his breath, his eyes wide with shock. "What are you talking about, baka usagi? Halloween is a great holiday, because it means the Fat Ass goes out and bothers someone _else_ for a change!"

"Isn't it sad that, even without saying his name, everyone knew who I was talking about?" Lavi grumbled lowly.

"Maybe that's true," Noise agreed with Kanda. "I hear him coming, so we should know soon enough."

"He's so loud that you can hear him from miles away," Lavi reminded him, "which means we have a few more moments of peace."

The group finished their dinner and were ready to move out of the cafeteria by the same the Fat Ass actually reached them. Chaoji came wobbling in, his doughy arms swinging limply on either side of his rotund, fleshy form. He beamed over at his fellow exorcists, his lips struggling to push up his thick cheeks as he smiled.

"I want candy!" he screamed dumbly.

"Then get the hell out of here and get some!" Kanda barked, pointing towards the door. "Go, go, before the other kids get it!"

"Wait!" Chaoji cried with wide eyes. "It's Halloween?"

"He's so stupid he can't tell time," Kanda grumbled to himself. "Why the hell did you think those fucking bats were hanging from the ceiling?"

"I figured Allen was decorating the place with his demonic fashions!" he explained openly, as if Allen wasn't standing right there.

"As much as I wish I could take the credit for this," he grumbled sarcastically, "it _is _Halloween. Why don't you get going, Chaoji?"

"I can't go without a costume!" he argued, continuing to wobble towards them. They began to back away in unison. "Lenalee-chan, help me dress!"

She stuttered for a moment, too appalled to respond. "I-I think you can manage that yourself, Chaoji."

"Yeah, who needs costumes?" Lavi laughed nervously, continuing to walk backwards as he approached. "Tell them you're the Pillsbury doughboy, or a giant, or…you can always go as _yourself_. That's something no one but you could pull off, right?"

"Wow, best friend Lavi," he murmured with watery eyes. "You're so kind and inspirational."

"Who knew he could say words that long?" Kanda muttered to himself. Lavi let out a loud yell as Chaoji sprang forward, pulling him into a tight hug; for a moment, the young Bookman vanished in a sea of Chaoji's fat, until he finally emerged, released from the flabby arms as he fell into an unconscious hump on the ground.

"He may have died from fright," Noise mumbled mournfully as Allen and Lenalee gasped, falling on their knees before Lavi.

Lavi let out a cough, gasping for air. "…There is…no…light…at the end…of the tunnel…"

"Just go, Chaoji!" Allen cried, unable to hide the annoyance in his tone. "Just put on a yellow shirt and say you're a pineapple or something."

"Yeah, you're hair's perfect for it," Noise agreed.

"You dare to call me a _fruit_?" he snarled, barring his teeth. "I've been called a lot of things, but never – _ever _has anyone called me something so cruel! I wouldn't expect anything less from you, Allen Walker, especially on Halloween! You may trick, but all _I _want is treats! You should follow my example."

"If everyone followed your example, there'd hardly be room for one hundred people in the world," Kanda hissed under his breath.

"Go on, Chaoji," Lenalee urged him as calmly as possible. "Go ahead, grab that flower pot off the table, just put your candy in that all right? Just go outside, and ring the doorbell of the first house you see, all right?"

"Fine," Chaoji agreed. "I'll close my eyes and follow my ears, going where the candy calls me."

"Yeah, whatever, just _go_," Kanda sneered through barred teeth.

Chaoji wobbled out of the room, and the group sighed in relief. Lenalee and Allen helped Lavi to his feet, Noise unplugged his ears, and Kanda finally lowered his hand from Mugen. Just as everyone was about to go about their way, the doorbell rang.

"I swear, if he's already gotten into trouble…" Kanda grumbled, storming towards the door. "_What_?"

"Trick or treat!" Chaoji sang, holding out the pot. "I came to the first place, just like you told me to!"

Failure

_**Author's Notes: **_

**I hope everyone is still out there, and will forgive me for the hiatus and let me know what they thought of this chapter! I had a full time office job this summer, and I'm taking three advanced placement courses this year, so I had a ton of homework over the summer and over the weekends now that I'm back in school. Life has been hectic, and the latest chapters of D. Gray Man have frustrated me more than anything, so inspiration to write was hard to come by. **

**Nonetheless, I hope you all enjoy this and let me know what you thought. I've missed having the chance to write this and still hope to reach 100 chapters, with your help!**

**Happy Halloween, guys!**


	64. Chaoji meets Cross FAIL

Chaoji Meets Cross – FAIL 

Cross, being the epic ninja bad ass he is, perfectly avoided Chaoji during each of his stays at the Order, but all good things must come to an end, and Chaoji – believe it or not – _snuck up on him _– yes, Chaoji _snuck up _on someone – one day, when Cross was distracted by thoughts of pretty women instead of our least favorite pineapple brained exorcist.

He was sitting on a couch, enjoying a glass of wine with Cloud Nyne when Chaoji sniffed him out.

"I've snuffed him out!" he announced proudly. "No one can escape _my _snuffer!" he went on, pointing in his nose in the air. Rather than correcting his English, the passing Finders lowered their eyes and walked by as quickly as they could manage.

"Soon enough, the General will be _snuffed _by the sight of his face," one of them whispered as he darted around a corner.

As Chaoji struggled to squeeze himself through the doorway, he watched the General like a sketch. He wondered to himself what it was that made Cross so popular, so renowned! (Of course, _renowned _was a big word for him, so he merely thought _why he cool when Chaoji not? Why?_)

"Cross has cool powers," Chaoji thought aloud. "And the chicks totally dig him."

He stomped over to Cross, standing right in front of him. He stood there, staring intently into the confused General's face, wide-eyed and motionless.

Cross was silent, waiting for a moment before crinkling his nose in disgust. "What?"

Chaoji sucked in a deep breath, sucking in the air around him in one big gulp. "ANNIIIITAAAA-SAAAMA!"

Cross didn't respond.

"ANIIIIIIIITAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-SAAAAAAAAAMMMA!"

"Um…" Cloud said slowly. "Should I…_go_?"

"She was a good friend of mine," he admitted to Chaoji. "What about it?"

"ANNIII-"

"Yeah! I know who you're talking about," he responded gruffly, annoyed by Chaoji's yelling. "What, did you know her?' Cloud turned to Cross, shaking her head anxiously, but it was too late; Chaoji was already beginning his monologue.

"I was just a young, abandoned boy, and ANIIITA-SAAAMA and MAHOJA-SAAAMA took me in," he started excitedly.

"Poor Anita," Cross mumbled under his breath. "She always _was _too kind."

"So, in conclusion," Chaoji said, loosing his chain of thought, "I'd like to become your apprentice."

"Like hell," Cross responded without a second of hesitation. "I already have one idiot apprentice. While you have the _idiot _part down, I don't need another apprentice."

"I won't get in your way!" Chaoji assured him. Cross was already laughing. "I'll just follow you and watch your every move at every hour the day until I become just like you!"

"As tempting as that sounds," he mumbled sarcastically, "I think I'll pass."

"Pass the _butter_?" Chaoji joked, waiting expectantly for a laugh. "See, see, Cross? We have the same sense of humor."

The two generals merely stared in disbelief.

"I think I'm fine without, all right?" Cross repeated slowly.

"Who turns down butter?" Chaoji continued to joke.

They exchanged a glance, only to realize that neither of them had any idea what Chaoji was trying to say.

"When did we start talking about butter?" Cross asked slowly.

"I'm _buttering _you up, get it?" Chaoji laughed. "So you'll let me stalk you!"

Cloud glanced into her glass. "Cross, I swear if you put something in this, I'll kill you!"

"I'm hearing the same nonsense you are," he assured her. "Hey, if I say yes, will you leave?"

"Of course!" Chaoji agreed, beaming.

"All right then," Cross said after a moment. "Exit over there."

Chaoji's eyes widened. "What are you talking about?"

"You just said you'd leave," Cross reminded him impatiently.

"You just said I could stalk you," Chaoji argued. "How can I stalk you if I leave?"

And so began Chaoji's pursuit to become Cross Marian. HOW WILL IT CONTINUE? WHAT WILL HAPPEN NEXT? ONLY I KNOW!

(ahem)

Failure

Author's notes: Thanks to everyone who reviewed the previous chapter! I'm glad to see this story still has readers, and I truly appreciate all the feedback! I hope everyone enjoyed this (I've been wanting to have Chaoji meet Cross for ages but kept putting it off) and hope you'll stick around to see what happens next (though it's not as dramatic as I made it out to be, I assure you…)


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